Jealousy justified or am I overreacting completely?

My partner (whom I'm marrying in a few months) recently got in touch with a girl he used to know in school - apparently they had crushes on each other back then but never dated. She contacted him on social networking and they started emailing back and forth.

She was passing by Sg for a couple of days and really wanted to meet him up. I've seen a couple of their emails prior to this; she is very flirtatious. He had dinner with her, which made me uncomfortable but he assured me that they were just going to catch up on old times, and during dinner there was a fair bit of flirtation from her. Apparently she's married, but not happily. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to cheat on her husband but she seemed very okay with creating emotional intimacy with my partner.

My partner tells me that he tried his best not to respond but at times he got drawn in to the emotions of things too, and he might have gone a little far with innuendoes. Yet he tells me that 'nothing happened'. I believe what he says and I believe the events he told me about. However, I feel that some things went too far - for example, she spilt her drink and was very embarrassed; she sat next to him on the couch in the restaurant, he put his arm around her and she leaned her shoulder against his head. Am I making too big a deal of this??

They had coffee again the next day and this time he was more platonic, but he did ask her "what was up with us yesterday?" and she told him what a gentleman he was, and how nicely he treated her.

To be fair to him, he did say some lovely things about me to her and he doesn't want to be with her at all.

It just makes me VERY uncomfortable that she's clearly very interested in him and keeps wanting to spend time with him. They spent the entire evening today chatting to one another back and forth on blackberry messenger - about the soccer apparently, but I'm sure there was more too, and mostly flirtation and innuendo from her side. She was meant to be out with friends tonight but she sure was replying to him very fast.

My partner thinks I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and that I'm being very unfair to him since he was faithful to me. I just snapped at him asking him why they're constantly chatting and he's pissed off with me for being pissed off with her.

I'm actually not that angry with him - I just feel REALLY angry with her. My anger with him is because he doesn't get why I'm so pissed off with her.

I don't know if I'm overreacting. Please help!!

I would be frustrated too.

I don't think that you're overreacting. In my opinion, it's perfectly reasonable to ask your partner to keep a little more space between his friend and himself.

Are you present when they go to dinner or coffee? If not, you could ask to go with. It wouldn't be real appropriate for her to be hanging upon him with you right there! Maybe just being present a couple of times will help her back off a bit.

I wouldn't say that your fiancee is entirely innocent either. It takes two to tango. Messaging one another everyday isn't very normal in simple friendships. Perhaps he's testing his boundaries?? Personally, I would not feel comfortable with that component. That concern is justifiable. While your finacee's words are holding her back, his actions aren't. If he truly is not interested in the woman, he needs to break away a little bit to be more clear to her.

That's my opinion. I hope that everything works out well for you and your finacee!

Personally, just from what you've said and how I would react, I would be mad too. My husband has many female friends. He was single until we met when he was 35, so he developed a lot of "girl" friends. At first this really didn't bother me because I didn't realize how "intimate" a lot of the women treated him. I pointed this out to my husband and he didn't even notice what they were doing. He's a really sweet guy and thinks that everyone's intentions are pure. I say bs to that! Anyway, it has led, over the past 5 years, to him not really talking with 3 particular women very much. I do not think that I have the right to pick his friends, but I do have the right to be the only person he's intimate with.

Just my perspective.

I can't imagine my husband meeting with another woman and not wanting me to go along. If she is worth meeting/talking with and he feels the same about you, why isn't he introducing you to her too? If I didn't like something, my husband would probably drop it like a hot potato since he wants me to be happy, not make me feel bad/odd/embarrassed to be feeling what I feel. It's not like you're stopping him from meeting her in the first place; he did that but what is so interesting that they're keeping it up? It's not like he works with her or had a prior, recent, relationship with her.

This isn't my definition of "being faithful," even though he thinks otherwise. He put his arm around her which is totally unacceptable. An emotional affair is in the works here, and if you can't make him see how out of line he's behaving, then it's a lost cause. He should be respectful enough to you; his fiance, and this woman's husband by ceasing contact. He's leading her on because she is clearly interested (if it's even true those feelings are not being reciprocated by him).

Tell him it's either you or her. Don't stand for this crap. Ask him how he would feel if you were engaging in such behavior.

At best he is being niave at worst disceptive. He is not respecting you or your relationship. He is not 'free' to have dinner with another woman without you being present. If she is 'just' an old school mate and he wants to play catch up then arrange a foursome to include their partners. A private dinner is playing with fire.

I would take this as a huge warning that he is not ready for marriage. Being mad at the woman seems displaced to me. Sure I get it and I would be mad at her too but the only person you need to concern yourself with is your fiance. You can't hold the other woman accountable for behaviour your man is encouraging. Let her husband deal with her. She is out of line on so many levels but she is not the issue. He is. His lack of concern for your feelings. He is acting like a school boy and not a man due to meet you at the alter in a few months.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Recognize you are playing with fire and disrespecting me and show me you get that or the wedding is off until you do get it. I want to marry a man I can trust and who I know respects me and will not behave in ways that will hurt me. If you aren't that man then hit the road jack. I will find a way to move on.

I have men friends from school days and I exchange emails with them now and then. If they are married the rules are clear. No intimacy. No flirty and no way is there dinner or coffee get togethers without bringing the significant others along. That is just asking for trouble.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I really hope your partner gets a reality check somehow and puts you first. Right now he is putting another woman ahead of you. Not good.

I don't understand why he hasn't taken you out with him to meet her; afterall you are the one he is going to marry. Plus he's not a single man any more if he's engaged he shouldn't be going out with other women at all.

I'd make a point of it to him that he shouldn't be putting his arm around her and he shouldn't be creating intimacy if he is in love with you; I think his reaction is because he knows what he is doing is wrong but doesn't like being called on it.

You deserve not only fidelity but total honesty and openess; this woman can be a friend to both of you or neither of you and there is nothing wrong with saying that,

Supporting you totally,

Rhian

Creating emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse is cheating, at least in my book. I would be upset as well. My wife had an affair and it started the same way as with what your husband is doing.

It was friendly at first, they had been attracted to each other but never dated, he was in an unhappy relationship and before you knew it they were having an affair.

I would express your concerns to him. If he cares about you he will take into consideration what you say and cut ties with this woman. If he doesnt I might be worried. Good luck.

Your a better person than me I would of insisted on going to the dinner with them .... lol.

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. I realized that the way I was dealing with the situation was very reactive, and I was falling into old, passive patterns. When I decided to become more empowered, I was able to express my feelings honestly and clearly to my partner, who agreed that he had been unfair to the relationship and to me. It did highlight some minor issues in our relationship - taking one another for granted, not making the effort to go out and have a good time together, and so on - and I feel that it's now much better and we can move on.

I did feel very hurt for a few days, but I found that the better I felt about myself, the less hurt I felt. This was an important lesson for me in self-respect, and I'm not afraid to ask for what I want in the relationship (I used to be, for a long time).

Thanks, everyone, for the replies and encouragement. They kept me going when I was feeling really low, and gave me the affirmation I needed to do the right thing for me.

x

That's awesome. Self empowerment is a gift only we can give ourselves. I am glad your partner is able to see he has been unfair to you and the relationship. If good can come of it and you both can move on with new awareness then it was a useful learning opportunity.

I hope he has set some boundaries with the woman that he will apply to all similar encounters with women from his past and his future.

Wishing you well. I am glad it working out and that you feel stronger going forward.

Good for you, amrinae.