[VoidOfDream]

As far as I know, I wasn't sexually abused in any way as a child.

But when I was 9-14, I lived my life online. I homeschooled, so I didn't socialize. I hated being outside. I felt lonely a lot but I felt less like that when I'd go online. Started 'dating' someone and got emotionally attached at a very young age because I didn't have my family in the picture. My mom was jobless and depressed, and my dad was gone. I think I got the affection I needed from this person. I thought they were a guy who 'loved' me and was a boyfriend. Found out when I was 12 that they were a girl. I got confused and devastated. Messed with my head, my sexuality, everything. But I needed this person so badly, they were my foundation, so in my desperate attempts to stay close despite this new revelation, I (WARNING: GRAPHIC, leave if sex/porn/lesbian triggers you )

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Anyway, I psychologically convinced myself that I was attracted to girls, by touching myself to women online....I did it everyday. For hours. I then began to truly feel like I loved this girl and was sexually attracted to her still. We "dated" and then she dumped me and I still was certain that I wanted girls. Then she came back, we 'dated' again (ALL LONG DISTANCE) for 3 years...no touching, I haven't had touch from any boy or anybody from ages 9-14 at this point...

Then my true sexuality started peeking out. I began to be turned on by guys. And a guy I found hot was actually FLIRTING with ME. I unfortunately was quick to "cheat" on my "girlfriend", and hid it from her, and continued to do it with any guy willing to touch me, while getting the emotional comfort from her.

I ended up feeling guilty. Endlessly guilty. I weighed 90 lbs at 15 for throwing up from the large amounts of anxiety that I harbored from the guilt. I told her, and she screamed and cried, and called me things like '*****' and 'slut'...she was so hurt. I felt 2 inches tall...I felt like I was worthless. I was wrong for having these feelings, I felt.

I got tested for STD's (her calling me a slut really snapped something in me), and they found nothing. I usually had them re-do them. I told them I was convinced I had something (for some reason I thought I had HIV..)

I met her in person. At this point, she was forgiving me, and I was pushing any straight feelings I had out of my head and ignoring them. We kissed.

I felt nothing. My world seemed to fall apart. It was messed up. All of that, I lost my relationship with my mom because I thought I was gay, the girl I was dating was doing stuff like CUTTING HERSELF while I was on the phone and making me listen for cheating, I lost FRIENDS because I told them I was gay, and she was all I had. Now I was lonely and lost...

I finally ended things with her a month later after I finally accepted I was straight.

Now I'm dating a guy for going on 2 years.

My issue?

Sex scares me. Horribly. In the beginning of our relationship it was fine, but I get scared and want to cry thinking about sex, and I want him to come over and hang out with me...

BUT NO TOUCHING. Not even a kiss or hug. Just sit there. We can talk SOME, we can look at eachother, but I get so scared and weird and hot flashes whenever he touches me, even if it's not sexual.

Please help me. I feel lonely... I want to be touched. I can't seem to allow myself to be touched though..

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there Voidofdream,

This has been very unfair on you. I honestly think you have a fear that sex will somehow make you feel less than you are. Please know you are a wonderful person who is allowed to make her own choices.

Some girls who experiment or try lesbianism are captivated and are happy with it; it doesn't mean they are lesbian or that they will be for life. But what I think has happened here is that your ex-gf's reaction to you being honest with her has affected you much more deeply than you realise and now just the thought of it scares you.

Being insulted like that by someone you love would have a terrible affect on you.
I think you need to have some therapy for this so that you can work your way through it and find the reasons for it all in your own time and in your own headspace.

Giving you my support,

Rhian

Welcome to the Community, VoidOfDream. You have been through a lot and it has caused some confusion. Like Rhiannonsmoon, I think you would benefit from therapy.

Be well.