[fransin]

Having a hard time accepting the position I am in. I am 42 years old, divorced with a beautiful boy who is 7. In July 2008, my ex-husband passed away. Though my son didn't have a "typical" relationship like a father and son usually do, because he was always working and never home, my son was still very sad and misses him very much. During this time, I was in a relationship with a man I have known and loved since 2nd grade. We "dated" twice in high school (LOL), and ran into each other in 2006 at a high school reunion. We've been together ever since. With him came his triplet boys, which was not hard to accept, but just a big change for me. I was very thankful tough that they were in our lives at the time of my sons dad passing, because my boyfriend and his triplet brothers were there for my son. I love the triplets and my now fiancé very much. He is a wonderful man and a great father. When our relationship started, he told me about another son he had prior to the triplets. He was never in his sons life, but has been paying child support for 10 years. His son is now 17. He tried looking for his son over the years but was never able to find him. He has always felt bad about turning his back on him. So recently, his son found him and wants to have a relationship with him and I am just having a hard time with it all. Though I knew about him, I just never, never, never thought this would transpire. I know that what happened years ago was not the kids fault and all the kid says he wants is a relationship with his dad, but I just don’t see myself welcoming him like I did the triplets. And also wonder if there is another motive. I don’t know why I am feeling like this except for the fact that I am happy with the family I have now and don’t want another person to add. And I really don't want another woman to deal with, though the triplets mom and I get along very well. I feel like a horrible person and I have asked God to give me the strength to accept this because if I don’t, my fiancé has made it very clear that he will not turn his back on his son again, which I don’t expect him to. I haven’t asked him to choose, just to give me some time. I also don’t want to take another daddy from my son, so another reason I have to accept it. I love kids and that’s why I feel so selfish and wondering why this is so hard for me. As I read this website, I was shocked and felt comforted that I am not the only out there who can’t explain why they cannot accept their significant other’s kids. Can anyone offer me a bit of advice? I’ve been reading about acceptance to get me through this but just don't know.....

Does wanting to have a relationship with his father mean the son is moving in?

[CedarS]

Originally Posted by fransin

Having a hard time accepting the position I am in. I am 42 years old, divorced with a beautiful boy who is 7. In July 2008, my ex-husband passed away. Though my son didn't have a "typical" relationship like a father and son usually do, because he was always working and never home, my son was still very sad and misses him very much. During this time, I was in a relationship with a man I have known and loved since 2nd grade. We "dated" twice in high school (LOL), and ran into each other in 2006 at a high school reunion. We've been together ever since. With him came his triplet boys, which was not hard to accept, but just a big change for me. I was very thankful tough that they were in our lives at the time of my sons dad passing, because my boyfriend and his triplet brothers were there for my son. I love the triplets and my now fiancé very much. He is a wonderful man and a great father. When our relationship started, he told me about another son he had prior to the triplets. He was never in his sons life, but has been paying child support for 10 years. His son is now 17. He tried looking for his son over the years but was never able to find him. He has always felt bad about turning his back on him. So recently, his son found him and wants to have a relationship with him and I am just having a hard time with it all. Though I knew about him, I just never, never, never thought this would transpire. I know that what happened years ago was not the kids fault and all the kid says he wants is a relationship with his dad, but I just don’t see myself welcoming him like I did the triplets. And also wonder if there is another motive. I don’t know why I am feeling like this except for the fact that I am happy with the family I have now and don’t want another person to add. And I really don't want another woman to deal with, though the triplets mom and I get along very well. I feel like a horrible person and I have asked God to give me the strength to accept this because if I don’t, my fiancé has made it very clear that he will not turn his back on his son again, which I don’t expect him to. I haven’t asked him to choose, just to give me some time. I also don’t want to take another daddy from my son, so another reason I have to accept it. I love kids and that’s why I feel so selfish and wondering why this is so hard for me. As I read this website, I was shocked and felt comforted that I am not the only out there who can’t explain why they cannot accept their significant other’s kids. Can anyone offer me a bit of advice? I’ve been reading about acceptance to get me through this but just don't know.....

Remember - you don't have to do anything. You don't have to have a close relationship with the 17 year old or his mother. Ideally you'll be able to be friendly, but you don't have to be otherwise involved, you don't have to raise the 17 year old. Your man and this son can have their own relationship.

Your feelings are your feelings, all your feelings are okay. Change like this can feel stressful. Sounds like you are concerned that your own son will no longer have a father figure, or one that isn't as available. You can talk this over and make sure you and your son are okay.

Might be worth checking round online, at bookstores and libraries for good ideas and books on blended families.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey there fran,

What are you afraid of?

Rhian