[lisadhum1]

Hello Everyone,

I have been looking for a good discussion board to... tell my story? Get help? Figure out what the hell is happening. I will try to make it short but in order to understand I guess you need some details.

My husband of almost 4 years is Bipolar (although I think he may have something different unless there are things I don't know about Bipolar). More or less we have had a good marriage, we rarely fight and when we do it's mostly because he's going through something and it gets resolves pretty quickly. In 4 years he has been hospitalized twice. Most recently at the beginning of this last month. Here's the long story short - we found out that a family friend who he's known for 35 years is abusing her daughter. We tried to talk to his friend and she basically threw a ***** fit and told us to get lost. My husband spoke to his mom about this and she said she supported our decision to call CPS and try to get this friend help. Well, when the time came to call my husband told his mom we did and she denied ever saying she supported us, she criticized him, insulted him, and then hung up on him. I had predicted this because his mom is all talk and no action but he never saw that because he was close to her.

Well, the next day after this happened he said he was suicidal and after an emergency therapy session he wanted to go to the ER because he couldn't make a verbal contract. He was court ordered (but that's a whole other issue) committed to a psych hospital where he was for 6 days. He got on meds - but he doesn't stay on them long - when he got back he was better than I'd seen in him a long time. He said he actually liked the meds, he felt like he could think clearly, he said he understood now how unhealthy his parents are and he didn't want anything to do with them anymore, which was fine by me. I encouraged him to take some time and write a letter to his parents telling them everything he's never said out of fear to them, this way he would have closure and he hates confrontation so this would be a baby step dealing with that.

On the day he was supposed to mail the letter he also had an appt. with a new therapist (community since we couldn't afford his usual one anymore). When he came back he was acting weird, distant, and I knew something wasn't right with him. We spent the evening together, holding hands, it was a good night then I asked him if he was going to put up the new shower curtain like he said he would. So he's putting it up and I said while he took the old one down I would clean the tub, he said "you're not going to clean it while I'm standing in it right?" and I asked why he would say something stupid like that, of course I wasn't going to. I didn't mean it in an malicious way but it set him off and he said I was verbally abusing him and that he wasn't stupid. I thought I would just walk away and let him vent, I went to lay down on the bed and when he was done he came in and laid his head down on my chest and said he was sorry and he loved me. I apologized and said I wasn't calling him stupid it was just an odd remark to make then I said I was worried about him because he was acting weird all day. Next thing I know he's packing a suitcase saying he hates my guts and wants to leave. He packed his Xbox, games, computer...no clothes, no medication (he's on heart meds for a heart attack he had in Feb '10 and insulin too). He said he was done with this marriage and left. This has never happened before!

I had been keeping tabs on his mood since he was on the new meds I thought maybe that he was having a reaction. I tracked him down at his friends house and said I thought it was the meds and let's just rule it out, if he still hates me that's fine I will give him space but to let me take him to the ER to get checked out. He reluctantly agreed and I took him there and the whole way he was insulting me, saying I was crazy, and he didn't look like himself. His eyes were different, he was full of hate and he is VERY passive. While in the ER he kept it up and I said I know it's not him talking it was the Bipolar/meds and that I loved him no matter what he said to me and he said to keep telling myself that but it's not Bipolar it's me and that there is nothing wrong with him. Well... it's been 2 weeks and he has not returned. We have communicated briefly by email and when I finally got an answer as to why he left he said because I was a liar and his mother would never do anything to hurt him, he denied she hung up on him etc... now he's asking for a divorce. We've never discussed divorce, like I said we had a good loving marriage, he's a wonderful husband. I tried to petition to have his hospitalized again but I was laughed out of court. Apparently the court order he had was never filed with the county so he wasn't in the system and I was denied. Now he's living (last I heard) with this friend in a nasty environment, he's drained our bank account, he isn't seeing his doctors and some of his meds are still here so I he's not on them. His personality has changed completely and he HATES me. Just the day prior the his he was telling me I was the best thing he's ever done and he couldn't wait to grow old together....

So...here I am, broke, confused, I don't want a divorce but our state is a no-fault so if he files I can't fight it. I want to get him help and get him back in the hospital but nobody is willing to help me. I sound like a disgruntled wife who's pissed her husband left, but I'm not. I don't understand what kind of episode this. I don't know what to do....I have never seen him act like this and he's never left. Is this a Bipolar behaviour? What can I do?

Sorry this is so long but this is what's happened. How can I help my husband? How do I get through this? I feel so helpless and hopeless.

Hello, lisadhum1. In my state, commitment proceedings are conducted by the city or county attorney, depending on which one has been designated by law. Generally, the commitment proceedings are commenced when an affidavit has been filed stating grounds to believe the person is mentally ill and a danger to himself, others or property.

You know he has a mental illness. He did not take the meds with him. Call the city or county attorney to ask about the procedure and whether his leaving his meds is sufficient grounds to act on.

Ultimately, if he is not taking his meds he may very well end up hospitalized again.

You likely would be well-served to contact an attorney. If you have joint credit cards, he may be going to the limit on them. The credit card company will still come after you even if your ill husband ran up the debt. The joint accounts need to be dealt with so you do not end up destitute.

Most states have legal separations. The court divides the property and debts and deals with custody issues and support if there are children. In my state, if no one notifies the court within a year, the separation becomes a divorce. Doing a legal separation will allow you to not be at the mercy of your husband regarding diminution of marital assets. Too, it allows for the possibility of a reconciliation.

You also would probably benefit from talking to organizations like safe shelter. The people there can be supportive and have a lot of useful information. You might even consider formulating a plan to get to safety. If you husband is off meds and says he hates you, you could be in danger.

Lastly, you may benefit from therapy.

Good luck.

[lisadhum1]

I am going to be seeing a therapist at church this week and am trying to hold myself together. I have a safety plan need be. I am looking for a pro-bono lawyer to help because I was denied petitioning myself. The ER who originally had him committed had a court order but it wasn't filed with the county or signed by a judge just a doctor and social worker. So when I went to county court they said he wasn't in the system and because of that I would have a hard time proving he is ill, but I have the documents!

I feel completely helpless. It seems like nobody in MI specializes in mental health law or the ones that do want a $2000 retainer which I don't have that kind of money. It's really un-nerving to me that the people that need help can't get it and I think it's because of the stigma of mental illness. If I could pay with a limb I would cut it off to have my husband get the treatment he needs, ya know?

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, lisadhum1. In my state, commitment proceedings are conducted by the city or county attorney, depending on which one has been designated by law. Generally, the commitment proceedings are commenced when an affidavit has been filed stating grounds to believe the person is mentally ill and a danger to himself, others or property.

You know he has a mental illness. He did not take the meds with him. Call the city or county attorney to ask about the procedure and whether his leaving his meds is sufficient grounds to act on.

Ultimately, if he is not taking his meds he may very well end up hospitalized again.

You likely would be well-served to contact an attorney. If you have joint credit cards, he may be going to the limit on them. The credit card company will still come after you even if your ill husband ran up the debt. The joint accounts need to be dealt with so you do not end up destitute.

Most states have legal separations. The court divides the property and debts and deals with custody issues and support if there are children. In my state, if no one notifies the court within a year, the separation becomes a divorce. Doing a legal separation will allow you to not be at the mercy of your husband regarding diminution of marital assets. Too, it allows for the possibility of a reconciliation.

You also would probably benefit from talking to organizations like safe shelter. The people there can be supportive and have a lot of useful information. You might even consider formulating a plan to get to safety. If you husband is off meds and says he hates you, you could be in danger.

Lastly, you may benefit from therapy.

Good luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hey Lisa,

Obviously you are in a situation that is unenviable. This however sounds more like DID (though there is some specific things you haven't mentioned that would indicate clearer whether it is DID), than bi-polar. I'm not qualified to assess or dx so the best thing you could do is contact the doctor and social worker who was inolved in the last hospitalisation. If you tell them what has happened and how he is behaving they may say "Hmmm not in his best interests for him to be behaving this way" and again go for an order this time through the court.

I'd also find out what happened in his last counselling session, by letting the Dr know where he went the Dr can call up any records the counsellor made.

I really hope that things go well for you Lisa but please be prepared for any eventuality, if he has truly snapped then in his mind if he doesn't love you any longer then you have to be prepared for that. I hope for your sake that it doesn't happen that way,

Loving thoughts,

Rhian

[lisadhum1]

I think that's what I don't understand most... I mean, I know it's not really him acting this way which gives me false hope that he'll snap back. I don't even know how I would begin to move on. In a way I feel widowed. I used to think the love part of the mind worked separately from well, everything else but I guess it doesn't. What types of things would indicate DID?

I will call the hospital then, I didn't think it was a viable option that they could help. Thanks.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

On the day he was supposed to mail the letter he also had an appt. with a new therapist (community since we couldn't afford his usual one anymore). When he came back he was acting weird, distant, and I knew something wasn't right with him. We spent the evening together, holding hands, it was a good night then I asked him if he was going to put up the new shower curtain like he said he would. So he's putting it up and I said while he took the old one down I would clean the tub, he said "you're not going to clean it while I'm standing in it right?" and I asked why he would say something stupid like that, of course I wasn't going to. I didn't mean it in an malicious way but it set him off and he said I was verbally abusing him and that he wasn't stupid. I thought I would just walk away and let him vent, I went to lay down on the bed and when he was done he came in and laid his head down on my chest and said he was sorry and he loved me. I apologized and said I wasn't calling him stupid it was just an odd remark to make then I said I was worried about him because he was acting weird all day. Next thing I know he's packing a suitcase saying he hates my guts and wants to leave. He packed his Xbox, games, computer...no clothes, no medication (he's on heart meds for a heart attack he had in Feb '10 and insulin too). He said he was done with this marriage and left. This has never happened before!

Hey Lisa,

This was what caught my eye; that he seemed not there, that he was someone else, and that he changed so quickly, from the moment he put his head on your chest, and that he responded in such a juvenile way by packing his puter games only. His response and the fact even that he did not look like your husband indicates a major displacement of his "self".

But please only be guided by qualified experts and work with them for your husbands health,

I really wish you well, but we'll be here to support you no matter what,

Rhian

Lisa, call the city attorney or county attorney, explain your circumstances and ask for assistance in getting involuntary commitment proceedings started. Ask whomever answers the phone if their office handles commitment proceedings.

Good luck.

[lisadhum1]

So...today I get a bank statement in the mail for my husband...who still is missing...he opened an account in a city 2 hours away from where we live. WTF does this mean? If he wanted to hide it he wouldn't have used our address but why would he open an account?

Perhaps he used the address so you could not find him?

I hope you have an attorney. You might be able to get some of the money in the account for your expenses.

[lisadhum1]

I'm trying to find one. NAMI just gave me a bunch of resources. I am starting to feel overwhelmed... also they said to file a missing person's report. Has anyone done this before? What happens when I file and if they find him?