[ApatheticLoser]

Recently I was talking with this person that I know, but am not that close to, yet they felt the need to vent and apparently had no problems letting me into their world. I will call this person "A" as I do not want to violate their privacy. Okay, so A was upset because A's adult daughter has turned out to be gay and has told A. Well, A thinks being gay is a sin and was pondering aloud to me- how could my daughter be gay?! WHY?! A said that A did not believe people were born gay so A thought something must have made their daughter gay. A then said that the thought had occoured to them that some female might have touched their daughter while she was growing up at some time when A wasn't around. Perhaps when the daughter was at with a babysitter or at school or at camp. A didn't have any proof of this as it was just one of many ideas she had came up with in an effort to understand what could possibly have caused her daughter to be gay. A then admitted something to me. A said that when A was a child some of A's cousins who were the same gender and relatively the same age as A, had touched A sexually. A said that it had bothered A and A told them to stop and left and told the adults. A said the adults punished the cousins. However, A then told me that although it was wrong and gross, A did not think it was uncommon for kids to do this with their relatives because they were just kids and didn't know any better. A was confident they had watched their daughter as best they could, but they could not stand over her constantly and A was concerned that this might have happened to A's daughter when she was a child without A's knowledge. A says, however, that A's daughter denies having ever been touched sexually by any of her relatives and she denies being touched sexually by any female or male until she was in highschool and she says it was all consensual. The thing that gets me isn't that A's daughter is gay. Gay isn't as uncommon as some people think. I know a lot of gay people. What really struck me is that A said during A's childhood, A had been touched sexually by relatives, children themselves at the time. Really, I don't think they were little kids as in 5 year olds, but I take it they were prob. preetens from the way A let on. This is mostly assumption though, but A did give me some details that made me think this. Now, we do live in an area where most of the people are kin to each other and I know kids do sometimes do things such as "playing doctor" with each other growing up, so given this area, and the lack of non familial kids to play with maybe it isn't that odd or uncommon, but it just seems so sick and disgusting and shocking to me and I wonder if something was wrong with A's family. A seems perfectly normal to me, though. Just a bit on the conservative side, which irks me, but it isn't like we're good friends, so I don't have to deal with that! Thoughts?

[wisewoman]

Please do not second guess A's sexuality. But if you are friends you can speak with her about life in general and any issues she has carried. You can also make a friend of her and just love her the way we all desire. If she trusts and loves you then she may speak. As for her mom, I can't think of the name but there is an organization for families of gay/lesbien children.

[ApatheticLoser]

Oh, actually A is the parent and not the gay daughter. Sorry, I know it was worded in a way that made it confusing. I am sorry if I came off sounding like I was second guessing her sexuality. I'm not. I'll take her word on it because really who knows better than her? And quite frankly, I don't care if she (A's daughter) is attracted to men, women, transgendered people, or bi-gendered people or any combo. It really doesn't bother me. I don't think A's daughter is gay because of her family either. I think she's just gay. It happens. That was A's concern, not mine. What I was wondering about was what happened to A. A seemed to think that when A's young cousins touched A sexually it was normal and common, even if it was unwanted, but I was wondering if A was right or is it an indication of problems in A's family? I've never had children. I don't really know what's normal behavior for kids, but the thought of my kids messing around with their cousins makes me ill. So basically I was just wondering if other people thought it was normal and expected of kids or if it might be a sign of problems in A's family. Anyways, that organization sounds like a good idea. I think you are prob. talking about PFLAG. I'll suggest it to A, but A is pretty much opposed to accepting their daughter as gay anyways, so I dunno if A will even attend a meeting or contact the group. I don't guess it would hurt to suggest it to A though. Thanks for the reply.

[Artist]

Kids finding out and experimenting sexually is normal. It might be that those cousins were to young to understand the taboo that we put on this kind of behavior. Just because they were preteen does not mean they understand the concept of incest . In some cultures cousins are allowed get married. We know that it could be a problem with the children of such a union. Our taboo on that is not so much a moral issue as one about birth defects and the health of the child.
i think your friend A has a long road ahead of her. She needs to except her daughter being gay.