[pimprenelle]

Hi everybody.
New developments with Mr don't-know-what-I-want-afraid-of-commitment.
As some of you suggested, I left this mister alone for a while. I didn't turn up "by chance" nor did I write for a good month. Just to remind you : the last 3 times I saw him, after I wrote about my feelings to him, he told me he was HAPPY alone, he didn't need ANYBODY and that I obviously needed something he didn't want (he meant: a child, I am 35 and he is wrong about that). The next time, he started a very enthusiastic discussion with me about children and mariage in general. I had to remind him to go back to work !
The next time he offered his help very cautiously because I was looking for an appartment. The time after that he said he didn't want to share an appartment (I never mentioned anything like that but he believes he knows what I think). The last time I saw him he was hiding (!).
After a month I met him by complete chance. He started a discussion again, trying to find out where on earth I had been, suggesting I had probably many friends etc... well very interested. He insisted on telling me where I could meet him "by chance", but I didn't show interest. He then inquired where he could meet me (first time he did that), the exact time and days etc... but no specific date was arranged and I believe he may change his mind again. I think he may just have felt bored because his buddies were not in town. He said that "often you see only the good side of things, but you forget about the bad parts". Like buddies don't replace a girlfriend ? Do you think it is a start of a thinking process or should I give up right now ? I must add that I have given up my job in another country and moved back to France, but I think he still believes I may change my mind and move back after the vacation. He is also very cross at my friendship with his best friend. I think he is looking for obstacles because there are no real ones. I wonder how far he could take it. Could he really sabotage everything out of fear ? I must admit that I was pushy in the beginning but now I started to calm down and build a new life. Friends are not really helping. Sometimes they say what they believe I want to hear, sometimes they give contradictory advice : let's see what comes, don't be pushy, he needs time after 6 years of being single, let him come AND if he was interested, he would have done more, time flies by, he is going to drive you away one way or another, maybe he is going to find another, easy girl to get away from a commitment with you (she did that with several guys right after her divorce)... The psychological articles I read say : wait, wait, wait, build up trust and show that you have your own life, that you don't depend on him. Hurrying things means losing him.
He is a very fine person otherwise. Also selfish, a bit childish and into his habits, but I don't mind. I like his bad sides.
The thing is : I am pretty lost right now. I am starting a new treatment to calm down but I don't want to stop the pain because it helps me to make changes in every aspect of my life. I think I want to wait and see. I think there is progress even if it is not spectacular. Am I wrong to be an optimist here ?

i feel that your wanting to wait and see is excellent. and of course it isn't wrong to be optimistic here. it seems to me that you have a very good grip on this and you've done some admirable things to change.....much luck, pat

[seeker1950]

Hi, again, Pimprenelle,
In reading this last installment with the man, my primary thoughts are that there should not be so much confusion and anxiety in meeting a prospective partner. He still sounds very screwed up to me!
Seeker

[Myzen]

Hi pimprenelle,

I too agree with seeker. I want you to be happy, and the only way I can see this happening is if there is a big change in this man.

Of course it's not impossible, but I still feel that you have described a certain type of personality. I hope I'm wrong about this.

Peaceful thoughts, M

[pimprenelle]

Thank you for your help ! Glad to hear I am not nuts. I was starting to believe it.
I just got an e-mail from a psychologist. She also told me to let him come and show him I have a life. She said I shouldn't be too available. But I should also make it very clear that I am not interested in his best friend. You are right, he needs to make more changes and I need to be cautious. But people do change and I believe he is starting to be fed up with his current self.
I will keep you posted.

[pimprenelle]

Hi everybody !

Thanks for listening. I need to share this. I just got a call from my childhood "friend". As usual, she started making small-talk, which was fine coz I was finally at peace with my plans. I had met this guy again, on a parking lot and as I had predicted this time he tried to run away, but he couldn't avoid me without being exceedingly rude, so he was holding the door of his car in front of him like a shield (!), looking scared like I was going to expect unspeakable things from him. No Hollywood film would get away with this !! It had some comedy potential.
Once again, he couldn't help it but answer a simple question ("new car?") with a life story (he said he had borrowed the car from the "mother of his daughter" and given her his own for her to go on vacation with their daughter. Why can't he say "ex-wife" ? Weird. Is a woman just a mother or a child, never a partner ?). Anyway, I didn't talk to him that day because it is useless to talk to somebody on the run. I will do so IF/WHEN he comes to me. Funny, I didn't feel really angry this time. Maybe, because the fact that I can predict his moods is reassuring somehow. Don't know.
Anyway, I didn't feel like talking about this with my friend, because in my mind it was time for "action" and I was getting in the mood for it.
She just said :"I told you he was making fun of you !!! He wasn't really interested!". When I said that I didn't agree, she got mad at me, saying that statistics don't lie (?), that it was so obvious, that she was dealing with facts (unlike myself) etc... When I pointed out to her that 2 weeks ago, when I was reasonably sceptical, she said to me "It's obvious he likes you ! He wouldn't spend so much time talking to you otherwise!!! His behaviour is pretty clear !", she got even madder. She said I had misunderstood, that she warned me, blah, blah, blah
I hung up on her. She was just yelling. She seems to feel entitled to knowing what is right or wrong, what's true and not because she had a rough childhood. I was probably too understanding with HER. I learned a lesson: don't listen to your friend's advice if your gut feeling tells you otherwise ! don't listen to them, unless you are sure they ARE your friends, don't listen to them unless you are sure they don't project their bad experiences on you.
She is probably talking to her boyfriend, telling him I am hysterical and that I can't handle the truth. I don't care anymore. I finally realize that she is an abusive person. What do you think ?
I guess I should thank this man for helping me understand this ! If only for that, he had a positive influence on my life. Now, let's take care of the rest, right ?