[callingforthesun]

oh, where do i start *sigh.* it's a very large concern regarding my boyfriend & me. i've tried to talk to some people in real life about this, namely my family (who are very supportive), but although they mean well, they are gossips & now i'd rather not open up to them at all. i've said countless "please keep this between us's" but the info leaks nonetheless.
anyway. this is the deal: i have clinical depression, social anxiety with some general anxiety mixed in, dysthymia, and i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder 10 years ago. i thought i had "recovered" from being borderline, but the traits have crept back up. over the last 2 years i have just crashed, mostly due to medical issues, losing my job, having my life being in limbo, etc. etc. and also med changes. this is when i started having panic attacks. back in march i had to go off the med that had been the most beneficial to me due to side effects & since then i've just been spiraling downward. i 've been trying different meds, seeing my therapist & pdoc regularly and getting my thoughts out in a journal every single day. but i've also gone back to cutting semi-regularly, crazy mood swings, meltdowns, a little bit of splitting, but the splitting passes. i never act out; i always act in. i always take it all out on myself. but anyway, i sought help for it; i went to an outpatient program at the psych hospital near me where my pdoc is and met some really great clinicians who taught the small group of all women DBT. it was great & i feel like i'm making progress.
(so what's the problem, right?) here's the problem:
my boyfriend is a wonderful guy; he's stuck with me through all of this (we've been together 4+ years & live together) but as i've gotten worse i've realized that he just doesn't know how (or can't handle) to support me emotionally. i've attempted to have multiple talks with him about the relationship- about my worries, concerns & fears. he tries to avoid these talks as much as possible. i even wrote him a 10 page letter telling him my needs & how depression is for ME on a daily basis and how I'M aware of how I'VE contributed to us growing apart and i read it to him. he didn't even want to hear it but i read it anyway. whenever i ask him for feedback he says "i don't know what you want me to say/do" and "i don't know how i feel." He finally admitted to being overwhelmed and distancing himself from me when i'm really, really down. but this goes beyond the stereotypical "guys have trouble communicating" problem. he just can't deal with any negative emotions. he detaches. and it makes me feel like he doesn't care, which triggers me to get very angry & cut. he won't tell me what's on his mind, his feelings, wants, needs, goals, anything. he's barely ever affectionate & we never have sex. yet he says that he doesn't want to break up and tells me multiple times a day that he loves me. i bought "stop walking on eggshells" for him & am reading it & highlighting/making notes before i give it to him. i also bought "emotional intelligence" and plan to do the same thing. he has admitted that he has communication issues. he thinks the relationship will sort of magically work itself out. my therapist, pdoc & the therapists & social worker at the outpatient program i went to all suggested couples counseling. i'm not totally opposed to the idea, but he's SUCH a closed book in general; is he going to open up to a therapist? what are your experiences with couples counseling? i know all signs seem to point to the best thing being to break up but in every other way he's always been great and has so many good qualities. he's trying, but he knows i need more at this point. i don't know what to do.

[bridgie]

You've made it very clear this is very much about you. Give him some tlc. Give him a break and some time to feel good so he can be there for you. Assess what Need not just Want. You don't feel well. He is there. Caretakers need to be cared for too. To know that they are cared for as well. What does he do that is correct for you? Tell him what he is doing right. Couples counseling may just be what you need. I can't say. But give him a break people have a hard time dealing with loved ones that are ill. Its hard on everyone.

[callingforthesun]

i try to be affectionate towards him every day & he`s not into it; he just whines. i thank him for absolutely everything he does for me. i`ve asked him what his wants & needs are & he tells me he doesnt know. he tells me just to focus on myself. i want to be there for him too but i don`t know what he needs! he`s becoming increasingly distant. when i kissed him this morning after he got into bed (he works 3rd shift) he completely ignored me. that triggers me. i immediately went into a panic attack & really have the urge to cut. i feel like such a burden & that people would be better off without me.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Do you think it is a possibility that he is staying with you because you have a mental illness and he is afraid of what you will do if you break up?

Just the way you are describing his behaviour, it seems as if he is very afraid of what you might do at any given time.

Has he ever seen you attempt S or SI? or has he been there in the aftermath? All this really does take a toll on them that we cannot fathom. It's nothing at all to do with us being a burden it is to do with the mental health of the carer. It's not about us at all.

I'd be really interested in what you think about this,

Rhiannon

[sanityseeker]

Excuse me for cutting to the chase but.... why no sex? I think that is where I would start with him.

I know for my relationship when I moved out of our bedroom it was the beginning of the end. Intimacy is so important and when it is taken out of a relationship it changes everything.

I would be focusing on why he doesn't want the intimacy with you anymore and work from there. It won't be an easy discussion but I think it is at the heart of everything else you shared. You clearly want the intimacy so maybe started by honouring that want, need, desire will expose the real issues between you. Maybe he is having some problems you don't know about and maybe by asking him straight out it will open him up to getting some help. Just a thought.....

[callingforthesun]

heyo, i tried to post back a couple days ago but my stupid phone erased it before i was done. note to self: use a computer to write important things, not the internet through your phone.
anyway. rhiannon, yeah, i've definitely thought of that. i've actually talked to him about it. i told him that i didn't want him to feel like he needed to stay with me out of obligation because of my mental & physical issues. i told him that i want him to be happy and if he'd be happier without me, then it's ok to leave. he says he doesn't want to break up. but who knows what's going on in his head. if we broke up and i did something drastic, he would probably feel responsible (i probably would if it were the other way around).
sanity, i wish i knew. i really do. i've brought it up, tried to make the discussions as laid back and non-threatening as a discussion like that could possibly be. and he just says he doesn't know. he doesn't know why he doesn't want to do it. i told him why i didn't want to do it when i was going through the same thing (depression, performance anxiety, etc.) but he won't tell me. he's a perfectly healthy 38 year old guy. we were never a couple that did it frequently, but now we NEVER do it. i told him i just wanted him to be honest with me; that i just want to know why. he has said on more than one occasion that he has never cheated on me. so i don't know. it's a big mystery. this non-intimacy thing is really tearing at my heart strings. i know he loves me and wants a future with me and i do love him, but how can you be with someone and consider yourself b/f-g/f with someone that you're never physical with? and that won't open up to you? should we go to couples counseling? is it too late?

[sanityseeker]

Its never too late to work on your relationship. If he is willing to go to couples counselling race him to the car. It sounds like he is really confused and could benefit from professional help. I hope he agrees and I hope it brings you closer together. It sounds like you really love each other but have come up to a wall that neither of you knows how to scale yet you both really want to try.

Wishing you both well. Be strong.

[angelbud]

It seems to me, that this situation is adding more to your already heavy load, than it is decreasing it. From what you've said it sounds as though he has issues of his own that have nothing to do with your illness at all, and could be dealing with his own depressive episode. Perhaps dealing with you and your relationship is his way of avoiding his own problems. Just a thought.

Good luck.

[callingforthesun]

i'm having the biggest panic attack ever because i just don't know what to DO. i'm confused about my feelings and what i really want and what's best for me and we're both pretending that our relationship isn't in dire crisis and i don't want to initiate a big talk because i don't even know what i want to say. i'm jumping out of my skin.

[sanityseeker]

Breath hun. Focus on something beautiful like a flower or a piece of art or the clouds in the sky, rocks on the ground.... anything but what is flooding through your head. Get yourself out of the panic. You don't need to decide anything now. Right now you need to settle yourself down.

Can you go to your doctor or do you have a therapist you can talk all this through with? If you don't want to have the big talk with your bf maybe talking it through with a therapist on your own will help you discover your options.

Hope you feel better soon. Focus on taking care of you for now. Sooth your soul.

[callingforthesun]

i do have a therapist who i see weekly. i see her on thursday. this is definitely the #1 issue we're working on *laughs* i try to write as much as i can in my journal, but sometimes the thoughts are zooming around so quickly i can't even catch them. i try doing mindfulness activities; i try de-escalating myself appropriately but then end up relapsing over and over. i hide the bandages, wear clothes to cover them & i'm sure my b/f knows, but he chooses not to acknowledge it.

[sanityseeker]

I know what you mean about the zooming thoughts. It gets pretty overwhelming. Coping skills get us out of a moment but yea... relapse after relapse is the name of the game. Going through some of that myself right now. It has been a rough day. I talked my way through the crisis but have no energy left to pick up the pieces. I am opting not to fight the negativity tonight.... maybe tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.

Enough about me.... back to you. I talked about this with Belle the other day and it may ring true for you too if you think about it. It has to do with holding on to your personal power. Not giving it up to a man when you fall in love.

Why are you waiting on him to decide the future of your relationship? I get that you feel some guilt, shame.... whatever you want to call it.... for how your condition impacts your relationship but don't give it too much credit or influence. It is just one piece in the puzzle. Sure its a big piece and it is tough to live with someone suffering. I lost my relationship in part because it was too hard for him to deal with all the drama but I am not giving the issues of my condition all the credit. He was looking for a way out and by the end i was looking for a way to get him out. I could blame the condition but as hard as it is to live with someone like me it is still harde to be me living with the condition.

Back to my point... not in the best frame of mind right now. Thus the disjointed ramblings but I will try to stay on point. lol

I am just wondering if you put the guilt and blame aside and looked at the relationship from your point of view instead of wondering about his point of view what would you see? Would you see the man you want standing by your side as you learn to cope with the effects of your condition and work towards recovery? Is he meeting your needs? Are your needs not valid enough to be met? He has driven you into silence. Is that okay with you? Is that working for you?

Just seems we as women loose ourselves to men and often we loose sight of our own needs in the process. We become men pleasers and worry more about loosing the man then making sure we are with a man worth keeping.

Your bf may be the most wonderful guy that ever walked the planet but he is falling short in being your partner. He has issues he is choosing not to deal with. He is letting you take the blame by not talking. You have set aside your need for intimacy in exchange for keeping him with you. Not only that but you have turned over your therapy sessions to him. Time spent trying to sort out your feelings about your relationship with him could be spent on other issues important to your overall wellbeing. You are investing so much while he avoids everything. Sorry if I am sounding harsh.

I get how and why it happens that way. I lived it. Only since recovering from the loss of my man have I been able to consider how the relationship impacted me. How it stiffled me. How it controlled me. How staying together trumped me being happy in the relationship. Looking back I think had I been more vocal about my needs, more requiring of my needs being met by him we might actually still be together. As friends and co-parents I am much more vocal and to my great surprise he is much more accommodating.

Loosing a relationship isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Living in a relationship that denies a person their voice is much much worse.

I hope you will find your voice and not be afraid to express it to your bf. Don't blame your condition for all that is challenging your relationship. Give it its due but don't give it more then that. And besides its not your fault you are sick. You are receiving treatment. You are working towards recovery. As you partner he has a role to play. He needs to step up and be your partner or tell you he isn't up for the task so you are not dragging the extra weight of him through your recovery process.

Be not afraid. Love yourself more so you can see what you need and you can walk in your personal power to attract it to you. Love yourself more or at least as much as you love your bf. The bf who has shut down on you and has you backing off, demanding nothing from him.

Its tough. Figuring out the intricacies of relationships can be mind boggling. No matter what you can't go wrong by increasing your own self awareness and strengthing you connection to your own power. From a place of strength you can see more clearly.

That is my hope for you... that you will see clearly going forward. Blessings.

[serenity4559]

Thanks for this thread gals. I am a recently diagnosed borderline, and grateful for the input. I have not done DBT yet so I am glad to be able to read about these techniques being put into practice, especially within the context of a relationship.
I also think it is great how we can use these forums as a safe place to vent and release some of the frustration and get helpful feedback. I wish I had found this site before my boyfriend and I broke up, it may have helped me to NOT say alot of stuff to him that I regret saying now. (He triggered me alot!) His diagnosis was psychosis and I think he thrived on the drama. It sounds like your guy is the opposite. I have to agree with Sanity that it sounds like he is overwhelmed right now and has shut down. I also agree with Sanity when she asked the question, let's forget about what is going on in his head, or what he wants for a moment, and focus on you and what you want? That I think is a good place to start. Please keep posting.

[sanityseeker]

((((((calling))))) How are you doing today? Sending good energy your way that you might feel some peace and calm surround your day.

(((((serenity))))) welcome to PC. Looking forward to getting to know you and seeing you around the forums. Wishing you well.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello Calling, (Sanity, Serenity)

How are things going with you? for you? I've been thinking about you the last couple of days and hoping things have sorted since you haven't posted Calling. Please let me know so that I don't worry about you,



Rhiannon