[multi_gal71]

Oh, Facebook...the ultimate in modern love/hate relationships.

The love of my life. My soul mate. My one true love.

All three are constructs to which I never wanted to subscribe, but here I am, believing this about this man (who was not a man when we were together eleven years ago) and hoping for something that I am afraid to hope for...we met in our twenties, both single and child-free; the expression, "a house on fire" applies to how we were together: In love, off the bat, mutually and earnestly, we had a passionate summer together (we met in May), we developed and nurtured a trusting and fun and healthy friendship, we were great lovers and it seemed so perfect, like everything I thought love was supposed to be -- and, like I said, it was mutual.

In October of the same year, I became pregnant and I was 28, he was 27, I saw little reason to not have the baby: Sure, we were young and not terribly stable financially, we weren't married (but were sincerely considering it) and we'd have to buckle down and get ready, but that's not unique in and of itself, plenty of babies are born into imperfection and are still loved and healthy...but he didn't want it, he was too afraid and after a lot of grief and sadness it was decided that we would abort. It was very sad, we didn't entirely agree on the decision but we wanted the relationship more than the baby and I believed that having it against his desires not to would ruin it, so I went ahead...needless to say, things started to crumble then but we HUNG ON for almost two years and it was mostly unhappy and full of grief and regret and at the time, I believed it was a stalemate: Neither of us wanted responsibility for its failure, so we hung on until it seemed there was nothing left to hold onto. And when it ended, I went through my fourth major depression and mourned his absence and worked really hard to put our relationship behind me, to "get over it," but I never really did.

So yeah: Facebook. I'm almost 40, he's 39, we are light years away from "then" and we start chatting; I tell him about my widowhood, my son and my life as it is now, he tells me about his fantastic job, his dogs, his photography, AND his miserable relationship with his [much younger] girlfriend that is verbally abusive and on the cusp of [probably] ending. I should read this as a red flag, but there's no proposal on the table (yet) for anything to happen between us and we agree to meet last weekend for a long hike in the state park with our cameras and a picnic and it is AMAZING, the connection is still there, we picked up right where we left off and, most importantly, he apologizes for his part in the breakup of the relationship the first time, tells me he never really got over me and feels like he abandoned me -- he felt as if he were responsible for the whole thing falling apart, never really wanted it to end but didn't know how to save it. I confess that I did, in fact, mourn the end of it but felt helpless to stop it and that I, too, had never really gotten over him.

Now he's in therapy, he's clearly much more mature, he has a great job and a lucrative hobby, but he's in a relationship and it's evidently miserable, but he needs time to sort out whether or not it's salvageable or if it's not worth saving -- the latter is the probability, but there's always the possibility that it can be saved, and I essentially have full control here: Tell him to get lost, no thanks, it's a position I'd rather not be put in -- or wait and see what happens and hope that I "win."

Red flags all over the place, I know, but the love is definitely there BUT we have been apart for over a decade and NOT getting him back wouldn't be the biggest loss, but my heart is aching and I am really pulling for victory. He is fully aware of all my diagnoses (some of which were present during our relationship) and is committed to working with me towards wellness -- sincerely. I believe him.

Is this a terrible idea? I mean, it's not like I'm going anywhere, I'm not in a relationship, and it won't kill me if it doesn't happen; then again, the waiting is agonizing and while we continue to have contact (via email and the phone -- no physical contact, although I know that infidelity doesn't have to include sex, that emotional affairs are real and that I am, essentially, part of one right now) and his position is steadfast -- he wants US to be, but he's not asking me to wait, I get to choose -- I don't know how long I can or should entertain this.

Help!

[bridgie]

sounds enticing. i am a believer in second chances but usually thats with clearer circumstances.(him being free and not deciding whether or not his current is worth working on) if he wants to end his current and then see where you guys want to go. i would feel like he is working things with me and her playing to see what happens with both when it should be done with one to start the next. thats how i would feel anyway. i think it would make me feel worse because he is saying he is unsure what he wants with her.

[Yoda]

Would you not be "a house on fire" if you were together again?

Perhaps he should continue his therapy and make decisions regarding his current failed relationship before you and he pursue a relationship more than friends.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((multi gal))))

You are aching for something that never was. There was more than maturity missing from your relationship with him and the same pains are still there you are just taking a walk around them and ignoring them.

Do what you will, but don't forget the anger and pain and hurt that was left unresolved when the relationship was abandoned last time. That is very important and is something not to be ignored

[multi_gal71]

These are all valid and thoughtful replies. I don't want to pursue anything more with him while he's still in his current relationship -- I won't play a part in someone else's infidelity, nor do I want to be strung along, so I'm just living as usual, waiting to see what may or may not happen

I have considered the "house on fire" scenario and I worry that it may go the same way this time. So in the event that something should come of this, attention will be paid to, "is this moving a little too fast for a positive outcome?" and my foot will be on the brake should it need to be pushed.

Rhiannon, yes: There was a lot more at play than immaturity, I agree, but then I also think that immaturity was a major contributor towards the pain we caused each other...*sigh*...it's all so confusion, at the same time as it's clear as glass.

So, we'll see; we haven't spoken in several days, I asked for distance until he has a better idea of what he wants -- I don't want any communications between us playing a part in his decision, the idea is out there, there's no need to "make a case for Me" any further, he either wants to make the change and then pursue something with me or he doesn't, I can't make that decision for him.

I don't deny that I have hope, though -- just trying to stay busy and not let it consume me. Thanks for weighing in, guys, I appreciate it!