[EvanL]

Hi everyone. I don't know exactly where to begin, but at the moment I feel paralyzed and helpless. My girlfriend has a borderline personality... she believes that she is fundamentally unlovable... that everyone will ultimately leave her... that she can't trust anyone. It seems that the only way she's discovered to not feel totally alone is for me to have sex with her. But if it all doesn't go perfectly, she has extremely negative reactions. She feels ugly and unlovable, she gets angry at me for making her feel that way, and then she "shuts off"... she doesn't display any emotion, doesn't talk much more than 1-2 word answers to questions, doesn't move, doesn't really do anything.

About a week ago this has led me to develop a pretty bad case of performance anxiety. I can't "keep it up" for the life of me, and she totally blames herself and her "ugliness". I tell her how I feel, and she tells me to "just stop it" or "just fix it" .... she believes I have the power to fix it all right now, in the blink of an eye. I don't. It all feels like a big downward spiral. We saw a therapist about it a couple days ago, but my girlfriend expected everything to be fixed within a few hours, and of course it wasn't, and she applied more and more pressure on me to get it fixed, which only increased the stress and anxiety on me.

Now she's giving me ultimatums left and right, and she's even started cutting herself and offhandedly mentioning suicide. I love her, but it's awfully hard to be sexually attracted to what she has become, even if I could fix the anxiety.

What on earth can I do? I don't know how much time I have left, and I don't know what's going to happen when I run out. Is there anyone that can help me? She hates the idea of therapy... hates even more the idea of medication... she'd kill me if she saw this post, I think, but I'm doing my best to help her. I love her so much. Please, can anyone offer any advice?

Thank you,

Evan

evan, i'm so sorry that you're going through this. is your girlfriend seeing a T? and is she on meds? do you see anyone, personally, to talk this out? i don't have the life experience to advise you, but i'm here to listen and support. perhaps someone else will know more about it than i. xoxox pat

[seeker1950]

It sounds like a lot of pressure and anxiety for you.
Seeker

[Myzen]

Evan,

Once those negative beliefs become entrenched, they are very difficult to shift. Your girlfriend will need to accept that she is ill and get some help. This is, in a very fundamental way, not your problem, although you are clearly affected by her illness.

She will need good therapy, and lots of it, as I don't believe that borderline personality tends to clear spontaneously.

As for you, I would recommend (it's only my view) that you don't get drawn any further into her destructive game; it can only end badly, because that is where the illness is taking her.

Sex is loving intimacy, not some kind of test, and her attitude here shows the extent of her ilness. I feel very sorry for her, as she is in crisis, and her coping strategy is not working.

Do let us know how things go,

God luck, M

hello evan.....your girlfriend needs to continue to get professional help.......by the sound of the severity of her problems, i think that hospitalization would be her best bet although i can see that either of these options are going to be difficult.i agree with myzen that you may need to withdraw from the situation if she does not get help.i understand that you love her but all the love in the world is not going to solve her problems.....good luck and let us know how things progress.......

[SeptemberMorn]

Evan, the best I can do for you is suggest very strongly that you listen to Myzen and Butterfly. They are right.

You need to take care of YOU, ok?

[bonaire]

No matter how much you love someone else ... you have to take care of yourself. You still have to love yourself more than anyone else.

Take care - and give yourself the peace in life you deserve.

[EvanL]

Thank you all for your support through this. Things have changed dramatically over the past couple days. I was able to stave off my anxiety using some techniques the therapist gave me, and I personally feel fine. My girlfriend is happy once again, for now, but I know that her problem still exists. She has a tendency to shift between extremely happy and idolizing of me to extremely angry and demonizing of me in the blink of an eye (part of the source of my anxiety... but now that I understand and expect that kind of behavior it doesn't bother me as much).

Hopefully, though, now that she's in a good mood it'll be easier to get her to think about treating her problem. I bought a couple books about treating borderline personality disorder, and living with a borderline partner, and I'm sure they'll be insightful once they get here and I have a chance to look at them. =p

Thank you all once again for your advice and support. I may need it again in the future, but for now things are looking up.

Evan