[englishteacher]

Has anyone else been married for more than 10 years and found that your roles are reversing?

When I was in my 20s I was a go-getter. Always organized, always on top of things. I was the responsible one who took care of things because otherwise they just wouldn't get done, or they wouldn't get done properly. So yes, I was a perfectionist and probably very annoying.

Why my husband was in his 20s he was lazy, irresponsible and disorganized. He might take care of things eventually, but not in the efficient and timely manner that I would want them handled. Which meant that I 1) complained about it and 2) just took care of everything so it would get done the way I wanted it done.

He badgered me for years to relax, quit being so **** and such a perfectionist. I couldn't.

I badgered him to be more responsible and not leave everything to me. He said it wasn't in his nature to be that way, and I understood because it wasn't in my nature to relax.

Then about 5 years ago things just changed. I had a very demanding full time job 45 minutes out of town, so he had to take over certain responsibilities that could only be handled by someone who was right here in town. After two years, I quit that job because it was making me insane. However, I had gotten used to not being responsible for everything. I had finally accepted that just because there are dishes in the sink, that doesn't mean that I should jump up and wash them RIGHT NOW. So...he got what he wanted - I'm more relaxed- and I got what I wanted - he's more responsible.

BUT - now he is constantly criticizing me for being lazy and irresponsible. I did have some serious issues with depression over the summer and I was pretty lazy (okay - not lazy, just really didn't care and no energy to do anything). However, I'm doing better now. I'm holding down 2 part time jobs. I'm keeping the house clean, the laundry done, the cabinets in the kitchen stocked and the bills paid. Still, if I forget one little thing, he's complaining.

Somehow we have switched roles and it really sucks! I understand where he is coming from because when I screw up it makes things harder for him, but I'm not screwing up because I don't care...I just forget things now. I'm not as much as a perfectionist, so I don't obssess about every little thing. Plus, he can't sit still and relax anymore. It makes me nutty when I'm done with work and done with household chores and I still can't just read a book or play a computer game because he's got this horrible restless energy coming off him in waves.

Why didn't anyone warn me when I was getting married that we would turn into each other and drive each other crazy? It's funny, but not funny.

[lotusflames]

yeah my relationship is a bit like that.

when i'm "well" i manage the money and everything else to do with bills / the house. since being "unwell" for over 18 months he's had to manage more things.

When i'm "well" i hate spending money and am always telling him to stop. When i'm "unwell" he's having to stop me from spending.

I think you need to just find a happy medium.

[englishteacher]

Ah...we seem to only operate at extremes....

[lotusflames]

yeah i know how that feels! I'm not sure there is EVER really a happy medium in a marriage - i've only been married 5 years (next week).

does it even bother him? I mean that you no longer do most of the things you do? Perhaps he likes it despite you leaving the job you were in because it makes him feel useful

[englishteacher]

It makes him nutty! He keeps telling me that he wants the old me back - the one who didn't make stupid mistakes and forget things all the time. I just don't want to be that stressed anymore. It's not worth it.

However, since writing this post, other things have occured that have us both distracted from our marital problems, which aren't really problems - more like inconveniences. We ultimatly love and trust each other. Things have just been really stressful lately and sometimes we end up taking it out on each other. It may not be healthy, but it seems pretty normal.

A To Do List? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_do_list

[englishteacher]

Hey Byz! I have lists all over the place. I have an organizer. The busier I get, the better I seem to get at multi-tasking again. It's like I'm re-learning those skills, but when I was young, they were ingrained - just part of my personality.

Thanks for the suggestion though.

Perhaps you and your husband could discuss what each of you will be doing on the to do list. Both you and he could check off the items once done. That way you could look out for each other.

[englishteacher]

I'm beginning to think that all of these problems will take care of themselves if we can just cut some of the stress in our lives. Stress from our neighbor is making me feel weak and incapable, and my husband's job is stressing him out, making him angry and jumpy.

However, I can see the validity of your suggestion. Unfortunately, hubby just won't cooperate with that sort of planning. He says if he isn't getting paid to be that organized, then why should he do it? It seems obvious to me that being organized would help us to stop arguing about things, but he doesn't agree.