[cocodemer]

Please give me some perspective in this situation, If ive been a bad girlfriend please tell me.. Im so lost and sad.. I have been with my BF for 2yrs, we were both at a low times in our life when we met, he had just seperated from his ex wife who cheated on him and i had got out from a 6yr relationship were my ex bf who had cheated on me too..

Things were great first few weeks, then I started arguing and breakin up with my BF, its been going on for many months now.. was it fair for me to tell my bf to leave cause he is not contributing enough? only 5% of the household outgoings? we never go out, he rarely buys me anything, I have to be the one to always initiate things, its led to me getting very frustrated/resentful..
when i try talking to him about issues he goes i knew his situation when we started dating so why am i making it an issue no?? i get so mad that sometimes i hit him and lash out at him, and even say alot of cruel words to him which when im calm he says he forgives me...Im frustrated because I dont see my bf being very enthusiastic about our relationship, i feel he hasnt moved on from his past even thou he tells me he loves me..

This situation has been goin ever since we started dating, when I met him he had just got out of a 10yr marriage from his ex wife and he says he was heavily in debt, I was there to help him thru his divorce and past his fears... we have a great sex life, we do the household chores together and we do other things together that does not require money which he says he cant afford, we live on a tropical island were we spend most of our times outdoors...
my problem is I feel my bf is lying to me cause he does alot of overtime at work but never shows me how much he earns in his job, he keeps all his papers and mails at his mums, yet we live together for 2yrs, i told him this makes me insecure, but he just says i should trust his words and that he dont have to show me proof, I have my own business and makes considerably more then him,and he knows that very well, just that i feel he is not contributing as he should cause he knows i will do it anyway, and this gets me very frustrating and angry sometimes, cause he did so much for his exwife when they were together and now with me he doesnt give a damn about my welfare..

we broke up several times over the same issues,yet he does nothing to try and solve the situation, I am the one to make the first move over the breakup, its a vicious cycle, he would never call me to make up if i dont call him or go to see him..
he keeps telling me that I knew his situation when we started dating, yes he did tell me he is in a lot of debt cause of his marriage, things have improved for him and he is less in debt now... so I feel he should contribute a bit more..he says i should not make it a stress on myself now cause he is doing the best he can for me???
well in my eyes i cant see the effort he is really making to contribute a bit more, cause he does alot of ovetime at wrk yet he still gives the same amount each month and never takes me out or buys me anthing, I am the one who is doing all the giving and feel he is just using me, I ask him and he says no that he loves me....
why would he not discuss his earnngs with me so we can work on a financial plan on how the money is spent....instead he would go to e if i dont trust him then i should not be with him, how can he say that if he loves me???
I got so mad last tuesday and told him in front of my grown up kids to leave my house and leave me alone cause this situation was making me soooo unhappy even thou i love my bf sooo much, he left and I havent heard from him since to even try and sort out these issues that was making me unhappy....
Im sure he is waiting for me to make the first move, cause thats how its been everytime we break up...
was I wrong how Ihandle this situation??? should I have given him more time or have i been too harsh on him???

I feel sad cause I love him deeply,all my past boyfriends have all cheated on me yet they all helped me alot financially, now this one i know he is not a cheater, yet cant help me financialy...Dont know what to do or if i made a good decision, my kids think i made a good decision, they feel he was just using me, my close friends says so too...im the only one that feels ive been harsh on him, yet i think if he was sooo into the relationship he would try and sort things out, we are both in our early 40s, surely he should be mature enough to see my POV..
I have a low self esteem cause of my past and im sure he has picked up on that and he knows i love him alot too...

his cousin tells me that when my Bf was with his exwife he did everything for her, that makes it even worse for me and i throw that in his face when we argue cause he is not pulling his weight with me??that makes me even more insecure about the relationship, makes me feel there is something wrong with me and his wife was perfect so thats why he was wiling to do so much for her to make her life better, whereas with me he doesnt really give a damn if i got food, if the bill is paid, if im happy, I have told him so many times how i feel and what i want from him, he goes to me im paranoid and that im creating problems cause he cannot see anything wrong with the way our life is...ok thats because he lives in my home rent free, i pay all the bills, he never buys me anything, i do all the shopping, if we go out i have to pay or share the bill with him, cant see i have needs too... I told him how i feel sooo many times, i have cried alot and got into tantrums, fights with him, he just calmly shuts himself out and says absolutely nothing and then blames me to say im crazy for my behaviour which wont get me anywhere. he says im paranoid too..oh my god..Please tell me if i overeacted and if indeed im crazy, cause i love him very much and never wanted our relationship to be this way..did I wrongly handled the situation by breaking telling him to go??its happen so many time before and after few days I miss him so much and ask him to come back...he will never call me when we break up..
Give me some perspective on this situation....was it fair for me to tell my bf to leave cause he is not contributing enough? only 5% of the household outgoings?evrything else is ok, we have a great sex life, we do the household chores together and we do other things together that does not require money which he says he cant afford, we live on a tropical island were we spend most of our times outdoors...my problem is I feel he is lying to me cause he never shows me how much he earns in his job, he keeps all his papers and mails at his mums, yet we live together for 2yrs, i told him this makes me insecure, but he just says i should trust his words and that he dont have to show me proof, I have my own business and makes considerably more then him,and he knows that very well, just that i feel he is not contributing as he should cause he knows i will do it anyway..we broke up several times over the same issues,yet he does nothing to solve the situation, i am the one to make the first move over the breakup, its a vicious cycle, cause he would never call me to make up if i dont call him or go to see him..he keeps telling me that I knew his situation when we started dating, yes he did tell me he is in a lot of debt cause of his marriage, when i met him he had just seperated from his exwife, he is now divorced...he feels i should not make it a stress on myself now cause he is doing the best he can for me???well in my eyes i cant see the effort he is really making to contribute a bit more, cause he does alot of ovetime at wrk yet he still gives the same amount each month and never takes me out or buys me anthing, I am the one who is doing all the giving and feel he is just using me, I ask him and he says no that he loves me,,yet why would he not discuss his earnngs with me so we can work on a financial plan,he woud rather leave on tuesday after i got mad and told him to go then try and sort it out....was I wrong how Ihandle this situation???I feel sad cause I love him deeply,my past boyfriends have all cheated on me yet they all helped me alot financially, now this one i know he is not a cheater, yet cant help me financialy...Dont know what to do or if i made a good decision, my kids think i made a good decision, they feel he was just using me, my close friends says so too...im the only one that feels ive been harsh on him, yet i think if he was sooo into the relationship he would try and sort things out, we are both in our early 40s, surely he should be mature enough to see my POV..I have a low self esteem cause of my past and im sure he has picked up on that and he knows i love him alot too...his cousin tells me that when my Bf was with his exwife he did everything for her, that makes it even worse for me and i throw that in his face too when we argue cause he is not pulling his weight with me??that makes me even more insecure about the relationship, cause i feel there is something wrong with meand his wife was perfect and thats why he did so much for her, I told him how i feel about that too and he says im paranoid..oh my god..

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Dear coco de mer

You are best without this man in my opinion he is not telling you truth and is hiding his money from you so that he does not end up in the situation he felt he was in before when he left his marriage which was in debt which there is trouble believing

I think that you do need to have help with your violent streak because that is not a good thing and will only bring you more grief but this man is not open and honest and after 2 years with you contributing 95% and he 5% that is in my opinion ruthless and selfish of him particularly when he is working overtime and still not contributing it is as if he sees you as a free ride and meal ticket I would be angry too and I would be waving him goodbye but first find out if there are defacto laws that award you any kind of settlement when you seperate

Julia