[maymie]

I'm looking for some advice support. Guilt, anger, and worry consume 85% of my thoughts.
I feel guilt because I'm moving on with my life while my mom is with a man who treats her badly. She won't leave him. And yet I feel bad because I'm moving on with my life, to a new part, chapter in my life.
I'm angry because my mom treats me like a relationship of convenience. I'm the one she goes to when she is lonely or bored. We can't even go eat dinner without her boyfriend cause she doesn't want to hurt his feelings or upset him.
I worry about her. As I move forward and she stays where she's at, with him, with a man who makes her cry daily and who makes her pay for everything. A man who tells her she is fat and this is a man she's scared to make mad or go to dinner without.
Then tonight she says next week lets go shopping. She can't even go eat without him what makes her think she is going to be able to go shop without him. I told her no, that I didn't need any clothes that I just needed to lose weight cause I do. Not only do I need to lose weight but I really don't have the money to go shopping. Yes, I was given a $100 but I really can't afford to go shopping and plus I'm not really a shopper. But as I said it I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to tell her everything I'm typing and everything I'm thinking but I didn't. I knew that it would start a fight. I knew that it would.
She acted hurt that I said no to shopping but really whats the point she can't do anything without him. I kid you not if I say lets go eat dinner she turns and looks at me and says lets go tomorrow when he's working. Its not like he has anything to do with her when their together.
I don't know what to do. If I talk to her about it, it will just upset her and start a fight. If I don't talk to her about it then the guilt of not spending time with her and moving on will just eat at me. Its a no win situation.

[lynn P.]

((maymie)) - I don't think you should feel guilty for going on with your life. I think you should in a caring way, tell her how you feel or write her an email. You want to word it in a way where you don't sound jealous but you're concerned for her welfare. You should be able to go shopping or out to dinner, just mother/daughter alone time.

At the top of this forum, there a sticky post which gives some of the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=134233
Try not to let this man get in the way of your relationship, where you stop seeing your mom. Could you tell her "mom I would really like to spend some quality mom/daughter time that doesn't include your BF". Explain that you don't like the way he treats her.

Very good advice from Lynn.

[maymie]

Thanks for the advice but I tried this before and it got me no where. Thanks anyways.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

There is only one thing you can do encapsulated in this is several actions which lead to one hopeful outcome your emotional freedom and freedom from guilt

It seems to me that your mother in a way is treating you passive aggressively the way he treats her she is obvsioulsy in a very unhealthy relationship but does not know how to and does not want to get out of it I say does not want to because she turns to you for company or friendship when he is not there but will not exclude him when he is

Now is time to tell her that soon you will be leaving for college and you will simply not be there for her to turn to so you wish now to spend some time with her one on one before you leave If she refuses you have the option to tell her that you have done all you can to try to keep the mother/daughter relationship going but her boyfriend has got in the way

In all fairness you cannot be expected to carry the guilt of your mothers choices with you for the rest of your life Yes it is time to move on and when the boyfriend is gone you may have the chance to rebuild with your mother

Hoping and wishing for you a positive resolution