[Kisstal3]

About 3 weeks ago, I was engaged/happy/ about to move in with my fiance.. and today I am single and indifferent. What a big change in 3 weeks! I had been dating this guy for 2 years, and we have been friends for 8 years. We always got along really well, but our relationship was extremely turbulent because of me It ended with me leaving his personal belongings on his porch with a gorgeous engagement ring in an envelope. I did this because I was angry, irrational, and I was being spiteful.

No matter what he did, or what happened, or what solutions we had to ANY problem, I would cause another argument almost right away. Upon reflection, I think that I did this subconsciously because "it was never my fault" at the time. I would cause arguments over everything.. and I mean EVERYTHING. I always wanted to be alone, he didn't do anything quick enough, or what I wanted... and now I've been faced with thinking "wow I was a selfish brat" I care about him so much, but I kept treating him like I didn't. I did not want to be mean to him, I'd even say it in my head before I saw him "He's a good guy, I need to calm down, I need to be nice, we won't fight" - But it never worked. Ultimately, he could not handle me anymore - and in retrospect - I believe that he deserves better than what I had offered him.

I am not saying that I was always a horrible person, and that I was always mistreating him because we really did have our good days - days when we would be loving to each other. It makes me smile to think of those days, but it's hard to accept that I had actually made someone feel so awful. I always like to think - I want everyone to be happy, I want people to be able to come to me, and I don't ever want to hurt anyone. But - the truth is- I may think that way - but I have not been acting like that. I've been pretty distant to most people in my life.... and I am now acknowledging that there is a better way to live.

Now I am faced with the issues - was the problem that I was not truly in love with him? Do I have commitment issues? Why can't I control my emotions? Whether it be anger or sadness. Why would I treat ANYONE in the way that I treated him? Maybe I need to think about making some changes in my life.. for myself to become who I want to be. Maybe one day I will be able to be in a honestly rewarding relationship with someone who I can make feel lucky to have me because I am such a great person... Who really knows? I guess I will have to try.

I just though I'd vent... I've got a lot on my mind - and no one to really share my feelings with.

[shezbut]

Do you have a tendency to do this in most relationships? Particularly in close relationships? How is your relationship with your family (parents, siblings, etc.)?

My first thought is that you're afraid of making a commitment to him (or maybe anyone). Perhaps you saw tragedy in marriages, and fear those same things happening in your marriage. Maybe you let him close in your heart, and that fear pops up, causing you to freak out for no apparent reason. Like: I love you, leave me alone! Any of this sound familiar?

Talking these things out with a professional, a T, would be advised. Someone that you could be upfront and honest with. Someone that you could share very intimate thoughts and feelings with, and get preofessional assistance in working through.

Best wishes to you!

[Kisstal3]

You are pretty much dead on! Yes I do this in a lot of my relationships...which I usually regret, but during the relationship I am caught in the moment!

I've read the signs for commitment Phobia - I've read Kiss and Run - and BPD and I am reading "Get me out of Here" - I seem to have a lot of symptoms for both! It is scary.

I have only recently accepted that there is an issue... this is new to me. As of now, I cannot afford a therapist - I am a single mom! However, in the future, if I can... I think you're right - it would be beneficial.

Thank you for your comment... It is nice to hear other people's opinions and advice

[jenkins09]

I'm assuming you treated him the way you did because you felt safe in doing so. You know that saying "you always hurt the one you love." I have dealt with something similar to your situation. You want someone to get close, and as soon as they do you become uncomfortable, and do anything to cause conflict so they withdraw. It becomes a very sick dance, that repeats itself over, and over.

Seriously, go to therapy. You can move past this. Look to your childhood and see who you feel abandoned you, abused you, etc. Interview any potential T though..there are a lot of ineffective ones out there. You CAN be happy and in a fulfilling relationship. You have to be brave and willing to be a little uncomfortable when looking at your behavior. I wish you well.

[Kisstal3]

Originally Posted by jenkins09

I'm assuming you treated him the way you did because you felt safe in doing so. You know that saying "you always hurt the one you love." I have dealt with something similar to your situation. You want someone to get close, and as soon as they do you become uncomfortable, and do anything to cause conflict so they withdraw. It becomes a very sick dance, that repeats itself over, and over.

Seriously, go to therapy. You can move past this. Look to your childhood and see who you feel abandoned you, abused you, etc. Interview any potential T though..there are a lot of ineffective ones out there. You CAN be happy and in a fulfilling relationship. You have to be brave and willing to be a little uncomfortable when looking at your behavior. I wish you well.

I already know why I am like this Ive looked at my past.... I dont know. I will take the advice of everyone.

[jenkins09]

Are you near a local university? they often have graduate students who offer counseling for 10-20 dollars, and they are supervised. Maybe that is an option for you? Good luck.

[salukigirl]

At least you can admit those flaws now. Being able to see your own self-sabotage is one of the hardest things to do. You probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you learn how to deal with these issues on your own. I urge you to see therapy and maybe someday you can have a happy relationship devoid of unnecessary arguments.

[Kisstal3]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

At least you can admit those flaws now. Being able to see your own self-sabotage is one of the hardest things to do. You probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you learn how to deal with these issues on your own. I urge you to see therapy and maybe someday you can have a happy relationship devoid of unnecessary arguments.

You are absolutely right! I've spent a ton of time reflecting on EVERYTHING - and I know why I am like this, I know what caused it, and I know that I will only add stress and drama to my life and someone else's life if I try to be in a relationship. And I say TRY because right now, it just won't/can't work.