[UneasyPeasy]

Hi, everyone. I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to help me with this. It's been taking a toll on my life for far too long, I've finally decided to reach out.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now. I am 20 and he is 18. First off, a little background on my dating life: before him, I had never been in a relationship for more than a few months. I would always get bored or lose interest. There was always that feeling inside me that I was meant to be with someone else. Then I found him.

He is what I've always looked for: sweet, strong, caring, and most importantly my best friend. However, he isn't perfect. Our problems started around the 1 year point. The story of that first big fight is long and I'll spare you the details. Basically he pretended to be his ex girlfriend by getting onto her e-mail account and telling me things that ultimately would get him out of hot water with me. I'm not stupid so I didn't fall for it. When I confronted him about it, he denied it for hours then eventually fessed up. When I asked why he had done it and why he then lied about it, he had said that he just didn't want to fight and lying was like an automatic response.

That ruined us. After he exposed that fact about himself (his lying reflex) I questioned every single thing he had ever said. Was he really out with his guy friends that day or was he with another woman? Is he really not talking to his ex or do they speak every night? I was (and am) consumed by this constant feeling of distrust and worry. I get this tight painful knot in my stomach that makes me so sick and I lash out. I tear him apart whenever something even slightly suspicious happens. Granted, there have been times when he has actually done things that merit my anger and confirm my suspicions, but 90 percent of the time I end up apologizing for acting like a crazy person.

I am at my wits end with myself and I know he is too. I don't want my paranoia to end up killing our relationship completely. I love him and I know he loves me (if he didn't, there's no way he would put up with all my craziness for this long). Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I felt toward him the way I used to feel toward other men. Being detached and uncaring about some things would really help. It's that ball of anxiety and fear and sickness in my stomach that gets me every time. That voice that says HE IS LYING! GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!...I hate what I've become. I want us to be happy and I never want to feel that feeling ever again.

How do I deal with this? Has anyone else gone through something similar?

[FooZe]

Hi UneasyPeasy, welcome to Psych Central!

Originally Posted by UneasyPeasy

... When I asked why he had done it and why he then lied about it, he had said that he just didn't want to fight and lying was like an automatic response.

That ruined us. After he exposed that fact about himself (his lying reflex) I questioned every single thing he had ever said.

It sounds as if he's warned you that he plans to lie occasionally and it's not safe to trust him. What I don't get is why you seem to be blaming yourself for your unwillingness to believe him.

I was (and am) consumed by this constant feeling of distrust and worry. I get this tight painful knot in my stomach that makes me so sick and I lash out. I tear him apart whenever something even slightly suspicious happens. Granted, there have been times when he has actually done things that merit my anger and confirm my suspicions, but 90 percent of the time I end up apologizing for acting like a crazy person.

That sounds like a lot to keep putting up with. You seem to be getting enough of something from this relationship to stay around for more, but not enough so that it feels like a very good deal to you.

There's no way you'll be able to stop your boyfriend from lying to you until he's ready to stop. He may even feel as if he wins either way -- when he succeeds in deceiving you, and when he gets you to accuse him for nothing.

I think you have two workable options and one not so workable. You could learn to enjoy playing his game enough so that you want to stick around and keep playing. You could give it up as a no-win situation and leave. Or you could stay, apparently for reasons you're not entirely clear about, and keep wishing something would change.

I'm pretty sure others here will have some even better suggestions for you shortly.

Welcome to the Community, UneasyPeasy. If you believe the relationship has been ruined, is there anything your friend may do to change your perception? If not, why do you remain in the relationship?

[UneasyPeasy]

Thank you both for taking the time to give me advice. I guess I didn't make it clear in my last post that we get along perfectly fine as long as I have nothing to worry about. He is not a bad guy as far as the way he treats me. He's very sweet and fun. Our relationship would be picture perfect if it weren't for the trust issues/lying issues. I'm not willing to leave him. I know he's the one for me and I can't explain how. I've tried dating others multiple times as I have said, but none of them fit me like he does or made me feel the love he makes me feel.

That's why I remain in the relationship. I can't see my life without him. I guess it might be helpful to look at it like this: if you were having problems with your closest family member, you wouldn't just leave them and be done. He's like family, he is part of my family now. My parents love him and he fits with us all so well. He's the closest person to my heart. I just want to know how to build trust in him while not turning a blind eye and being one of those girls who gets lied to constantly and doesn't even realize it. I want our love to be enough for me to stay calm and stop thinking the crazy suspicious thoughts that I come up with.

Hello, UneasyPeasy. You pose a dilemma. Have you talked to your friend about how you felt when you discovered he had gone to great lengths in an attempt to deceive you? Have you and he discussed what he may do to help him regain your trust?

If you have not, is your query here solely one about what you alone may do to trust and/or accept your friend again knowing he lies to avoid his aversion to "fighting"? Does you question imply your friend will not or is incapable of working with you to resolve your concerns? If so, you have taken on a formidable task that may require divine intervention.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

[boodles]

Hello UneasyPeasy. You know, you refer to your "paranoia" but he has lied and this has been validated. That's not paranoia, my dear.

How I wish I would have trusted my gut instincts about similar patterns in a relationship that took over 10 years of my life. But I kept trying to deny what I couldn't accept. I would take on the "oh, it's me imagining things again." Guess what? When all was said and done, it was everything I had feared and much worse. And I can never get those years back, and the damage done by participating in this relationship has left permanent scars.

The lack of peace of mind which results from being in this type of relationship is very damaging. Always wondering what is true and what is a lie is painful. It is truly not worth it.

In my case, my bf was a master at turning things around so it was ME who was being paranoid or delusional. And I was so manipulated by this, that the long term result is that I often don't trust my instincts - I often can't decipher WHAT MY INSTINCTS ARE because of the manipulative relationship that I particpated in and the way it formed a pattern in my thinking. BUT, I AM THE ONE WHO CONTINUED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE RELATIONSHIP with him. I had a choice. I just chose the wrong direction I regret it so much.

So really, give yourself some credit for questioning his honesty. He has given you very significant reasons to question it. Good luck to you....I hope you end up with a happy and peaceful relationship.

[youOme]

This is actually typical of a controlling person. They are indifferent or the complete opposite, hardly in between. They are also known for leaving their relationships because they fear being left first. I recently read an article on Wikihow, its under "how to tell if your in a controlling and possessive relationship," I personally liked it but it made me see things about myself I didnt like. It was insightful with tips. Id paste the link but I am mobile. Hope this helps. BTW I can completely relate.