[Elysium]

So, I put the trigger icon on because I am going to be talking about some sexual content that could be triggering. Nothing graphic, but I wanted to give folks a heads up.

I recently moved back to my home state, closer to family and old friends. Being back is bitter-sweet as some members of my family abused me when I was young and still attempt to on an emotional level. My saving grace here is my animals and my old friends whom I am starting to get closer to again.

I currently live about 100 miles away from family and friends, but I have one friend who lives about 15 miles from me. Him and I were neighbors/friends when I was younger, 15-20 yrs old. I moved to Oregon and spent 15 years there and in that time, we naturally grew apart as our lives went separate ways and we grew up. No I'm 34 and he's 37. Our friendship has picked up from where it was 15 years ago, but now I am seeing some things that scare me a bit and I'm not sure if I am being too critical or if it's really something to be concerned about.

Some background on him....he's 37, lives at home with his Mom...still....so he can "save money/pay down debt" which has been his story for the last 20 years. He runs around like he is still a teen....going to parties, having random relationships with women. He's not financially well off. All of this I can look passed for the most part, but there are some weirder things.

I had to return my car to the bank in a bankruptcy....but he told me that he had friends in Mexico that could make my car disappear and never be found, and that I could get the insurance money. Now...I thought he was joking and I laughed with him about it....but he WASN'T joking. He meant it. That bothers me that he is someone who would seriously suggest such a thing and to me spells trouble. But what really bothers me is something he told me about a "relationship" he had with a young woman when he was in the UK studying abroad during college.

He told me that he had been at a party overseas and had met this girl and she had been drinking. He said he was sober and stayed sober as he had an early class the next morning, but that this girl was really loosened up by the alcohol. He told me that he feels a little bad because he knew she was drunk and would give into his sexual advances, so he took advantage of her being drunk and they had sex together. He said it was consensual and that she at no time said "no" or "stop" and that he would have stopped if she had said so.....but that he knew she wouldn't due to being intoxicated so he just did his thing with her.

Being a survivor of SA, to me this screams that it is wrong...very wrong....for a man to knowingly take advantage of a woman while she is intoxicated when you believe that she would not have sex with you if she were sober. She didn't say no....she didn't say stop. She went along with it and wasn't forced. But she was intoxicated and not in a position to make the best decision for herself, and he was sober and states that he knew she wouldn't have slept with him if she hadn't have been drunk.

I don't know how to feel about this. I'm actually quite uncomfortable with it and it makes me uncomfortable to be around him now. I feel like he took advantage of her on purpose.

He has many issues and I think it's a good idea to start to see less of him and more of my other friends. But I guess I wanted other people's opinion on this issue with the sexual act.

Am I being too critical/judgmental? Or am I picking up on something that's not quite right? I'm worried...and kind of scared of him.

[Soul Quake]

This guy is weird in more ways than one. The living at home, making excuses for himself, having 'connections' in other countries, and taking advantage of someone without being remorseful after the fact indicates bad news.

At least he's upfront about it. Take the information he has given you and stay far away.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Trust your gut instinct -- this guy is bad news. Suggesting that you let your car be taken to Mexico so it can't be found? He's still living with his mother so he can party and mess around?? Taking advantage of a drunk woman? This guy is MORE than bad news -- he's amoral - and he could get YOU in some hot water if you continue to hang around him. Tell this one goodbye. You are correct that you should back off. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Bottom line is you are both not the same as you were 15 years ago; one can't really "pick up where we left off" as one's experiences with each other and life have diverged so much. He scares you now; that's all you need to see/know; if you're not comfortable with him, you're not comfortable with him; there's no need to feel you have to remain in contact just because you knew him when you were younger. Friends are people you choose/like, not "forced" upon you like family.

[salukigirl]

I agree with Perna. If you are not comfortable with his life choices then you don't need to be friends with him anymore. Especially if he really hasn't changed since the last time you knew him. It sounds like he doesn't have much empathy for women in general and, if you were ever in a situation where you needed him to come through for you, it doesn't sound like he would.

I have had some friends that I loved dearly but had to cut ties with. One of my best friends in high school actually. She started getting into drugs, got a nasty attitude and was sleeping around. I had to just stop associating with her. That was about 7 years ago and she found me on facebook about a year ago and has changed a lot. She doesn't do anything that she used to so I was okay with starting up our friendship again.

It's all to your discretion. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who did those things. Especially knowing your past and how this would affect you, telling you about it. Even if he did those things, he could have just not told you to spare your feelings but it doesn't sound like he even cared about that! I would drop him like a bad habit.