[Allykay]

The guy I am seeing is wonderful, funny, sweet, sexy, etc. I love him more than anyone I have ever dated but he has a problem, he is afraid of commitment. From what I have been researching, he is Commitment Phobic! What he has done and says falls completely into what a Commitment Phobic man does and says. We have been together going on 5 months. Everything was wonderful until after Thanksgiving. We were still dating but it was clear he was starting to pull away (not calling or seeing me as much, having excuses why he can't see me, etc.) This again, is something I read that a Commitment Phobic man does when things are going too good and strong feelings are starting to emerge (which they were). However yesterday, he told me he "wants to be friends" with me. He says he still cares about me, loves talking with me and wants to continue to see me but he wants our relationship to be more friendship based than physical (we have been intimate, but have not made love). He says he has never had a friendship with a women he has dated (his past relationships have ended badly and it bothers him that they did). He says we have a great friendship (which we do) and he doesn't want to lose that. He said that he wants to stop being intimate with me to see if our relationship is based on more than our physical attraction to each other. He said he wants to know that we can be true friends as well as lovers but that he won't know that unless we stop being intimate. He admits that it will be difficult for him as he is very attracted to me, but he is willing to do it because he wants to be sure about us. He said that I am "an amazing girlfriend" and he doesn't want to lose me, but that he is confused about what our relationship is based on. He said he know this probably sounds weird since most guys are thrilled to be having their sexual needs fulfilled in a relationship but that he doesn't want our relationship to be based on that alone. He said he thinks "above the waist", not like other guys who think "below the waist". He also voluntarily told me that he is not seeing anyone else and has no plans to. While all this might sound good/moral, I am devastated because from what I have read, this is one of the things a man who is afraid of commitment will do (withhold intimacy) just before he leaves totally. This is where I need help because I LOVE this man, I DON'T want to lose him and most of all, I want to HELP him! I want so much to tell him what I know/suspect but how do I do that now without looking like I am a desperate girlfriend trying to get him back? I read that the Commitment Phobic person needs therapy in order to help him realize what he is doing to himself and the relationship. It is also recommended that BOTH parties go to Couples Therapy. Again, how do I suggest this when he thinks he doesn't have a problem? (yesterday I asked him why he fears commitment and he said he doesn't). I am trying to be rational about this but I am also heartbroken. It's not like I didn't know this would eventually happen because of what I read about Commitment Phobic men, but I had hoped I would be able to somehow help him with his problem. I know I am the only person in his life that has recognized his problem and if I don't help him, he will continue to go through his life not committing to relationships and not knowing why. Now that he has moved our relationship to friendship only, I am afraid to bring up his problem and have him think I am doing this as a ploy to get him back. Yes, I want him back but I want him to come back because he wants to. Can someone please help/give advice? p.s. FYI: we are both 18, very mature and responsible and live with our parents.

[Belle1979]

This may come off as harsh but.... are you sure that you are not reading too much into the 'break up', hoping that this is the cause and not anything else... perhaps he really just does want to be friends and not lovers anymore.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I think this guy is pretty cool ~ I wouldn't get too psychological with him. I don't think he's planning on dumping you. From the sounds of it, I think he paid you a very NICE compliment!! He said he values your relationship alot, and he wants to make sure there is something more to it than just physical ~ in other words, he's thinking about a future with you! So, don't go jumping on him about counseling cause this guy doesn't need it!! He's got his head on straight, big time!!! I'd hang onto him, and be grateful that he DOESN'T want you for just a physical relationship -- that he WANTS to pick your brain for awhile. I wish there were more guys like this.

Be good to this one. You won't find another. Hugs, Lee

I agree with Belle.But think it sounds like a gentle breakup from being 'almost lovers' to...I like you ,but not that way..... I don't think he needs to be counseled ,he needs to be clear in his communication with you...jmo.