[mllw]

I could write for hours right now but to make things as short as possible... I have a very sweet husband. He is the stepfather to my son. I have always felt like I'm in the middle. I know my son can be a pain but what teen is not. Anyway, my husband has had outbursts of anger towards my son. It does not happen frequently but when it does, he really explodes way beyond what the situation calls for. Others have seen it before. Like I said it does not happen frequently but... This past week, my husband, son, another family member and her 4 year old daughter were at my house. I have large dog that is normally friendly but for some reason, she bit the visiting family member's small dog. I paniced, as we all did, and I yelled "get the dog" while diving for them. In the excitement, my son jumped up and ran over. I remember him yelling "it's your f...ing dog mom" or something to the affect. It all happened so fast. I know he should not have yelled or cursed but at the same time, we all paniced because of the dogs. My husband immediately jumped up and confronted my son. They were face to face and my husband screamed at my son and tried to provoke him to hit him. I was scared as were the others present. He looses control. I kept telling them to stop. I know how he looses control and it was scaring me to hear him this angry. At some point, my husband left the room and my son went outside to get away from him. Then the unbelieveable happened. My husband came out of the bedroom with a shotgun. He was yelling and screaming "where is he..." We were in shock. He would not stop. He went up the stairs looking for my son yelling. I finally said he left... When he came back down, he stood by me yelling as I tried to ask him to calm down and that a child was present and that we were all scared. It took a little while but he finally stopped. Later, instead of saying he was sorry or realizing what he did was wrong, he tried to say he was protecting me and that he saw my son with a knife in his hand... That was so crazy. In no way did any of us feel threatened by my son and why would he have a knife? It was all about dogs fighting and nothing else. I'm still confused by him saying this. Others were present. No one saw anything like that and it would not make sense since there was no arguement or anything between my son and myself going on. This is not the first time. He is always negative when it comes to my son. If I try to tell him he went overboard with the gun and we are afraid, he continues to says things like he only tries to protect me and stick up for me. I could go on forever but... At this point, everyone is quiet and not saying anything. I have been depressed and confused. I don't even want to be around people. I did not feel up to working today. I just don't know what to do or how to feel. He made the comment that he has not gotten angry in 3 years and he tries to stay out of things... he is a calm person... That's why it's confusing. He is generally sweet but I lived with an abusive husband in the past and I know my currrent husband is not like that but at the same time, I keep asking myself if I'm repeating what I did once before. His getting the gun has made me question if or when he might have another outburst and how bad can it be then even if it is 10 years from now. There is no end to what I could write right now. Please just help me start somewhere. Am I being overly paranoid about this because of my past or are my concerns ligitimate??? Oh, he even says "the gun was not even loaded. I just wanted to scared him since he always talks badly to you."

[IceCreamKid]

This is a dangerous situation. All weapons should be kept locked up, and maybe you should be the one to hold the keys. As soon as possible get your son alone and ask him if your husband has ever weirded out on him when you have not been around. It's important for you to know the extent of the conflict between your husband and your son. Then if I were in your shoes, I'd have a calm discussion with your husband, when he is calm, and tell him that you were frightened and it's time to get some outside help with the situation -- then get to a counselor. Is your husband ex-military or a former police officer? Has he suffered a trauma in his past? The way you described the situation made me think it was not really your son your husband was seeing, but a flashback to a previous traumatic incident. I hope for the best for you and your family.

[Leed]

You just described an EXACT same scenario at my house some years ago, when my ex chased my son with a shotgun. I too was in the middle of this, and it happened more than once. My ex was extremely hard on OUR son because he could not live up to my husbands' expectations - and my son would try to tell him so, and that would INFURIATE my husband because in his stupid little mind he thought of that as "sassing." He wasn't sassing - UNTIL my husband would hit him in the mouth or the eye - and then my son would shoot his mouth off.

It was a nightmare. My husband would NOT go to counciling, would NOT listen to reason, would NOT listen to my son or anyone. So I got the kids OUT of there, and divorced the S.O.B. He had put the kids thru enough trauma - and I'd had enough too. We never knew when he was going to blow up -- he had a hair-trigger temper, and we were always walking on egg shells.

If you cherish your kids, MAKE him get some help or else get your kids OUT of there. You have no idea how this affects your kids. This will stay with them for a good long time, and counseling is/will be necessary. I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[mllw]

Thank you for the advice. I am working on getting counseling. He is not ex-military or anything. Actually, mostly he is a very calm, mild mannered person. That makes me more confused by this. It does not happen often but he does seem to always nag me about my son. It's like he has a grudge. He trys to stay out of things between my son and myself most of the time. Maybe he just holds things in too much. But, when he explodes, it is never even at a time when I feel it is warented. It so out of proportion to what is actually going on. This time was the worst. I still cannot believe he got a gun... I just cannot shake it. I cannot even get myself motivated to want to do anything in my life right now but then I will sit there and think "am I making this worse than it is" or "why am I acting so down." And I wonder if I should just let it go, after all my son will be moving in the summer because he will be transferring to another college. Then maybe it will never happen again. I know I sound crazy, I feel like that right now. He is not opposed to going to counseling with me. As I told you, he is generally a very sweet man. At the same time, I'm worryed about bringing up my worries about the gun when he is present because he still thinks that is not the problem and he also thinks he is helping me by going because I have have things in my past that seem to come back sometimes. I fine but for some reason, like since this happened, everything from my past came flooding back which is another reason I keep having doubts about it all and wondering if I'm making this worse than it is.

[Leed]

This REALLY needs to be brought up in therapy. What he did was OUTRAGEOUS!! You are not making it worse -- it couldn't GET any worse!!! What he did was terrible - and I KNOW it affected your son terribly. Your son should NOT be confronted with a GUN in his home. That is just beyond all normal and sane reactions. This man definitely has a screw loose somewhere. He has something against your son for some reason, and God only knows what it is.

I feel for your son -- he probably doesn't know how to act now. I'm sure he doesn't feel safe in your home. He probably wants to brain his step father -- or worse. When my husband did this to our son, I wanted to kill him myself!! No one hurts my son!!! NO ONE. I'd rather be single that let ANYONE hurt my kids. I don't care who they are.

Make sure you bring this up in therapy. It has to be brought to someone's attention. Best of luck and God bless. This cannot happen again. Hugs, Lee

[cutebagaddict08]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Your first priority, I think, needs to be your son's and your own safety. You have to protect you son.
I agree with others, you should ask your son privately if this has ever happened before when you are not there. YOu may find out your son was scarred and didn't know who to turn to. If your husband refuses to get help or continues to put you and your family in danger-you need to leave. Your priority needs to be your son's safety.

[cutebagaddict08]

Personally, I think you and your son should leave as soon as you can- at least stay away until your husband gets help. What happens if your husband does this again- what if no one is around to calm him down?

Ya know what? This situation is your warning.You are very lucky to even GET a warning.Please think for a minute......You say(he explodes...has outbursts of anger.)The "face to face" screaming you mentioned is one breath away from something unthinkable.You were frightened,your friends were frightened....did anyone call the police?This is a reportable offense.One you could be held accountable for as his mother for not reporting it.Then he LIED and CLAIMED your son held a knife when clearly everyone there witnessed your son had NO knife.He further claimed he was defending you.Well,to retrieve a SHOTGUN...he is implying that he felt your very life was in jeapordy.Rediculous!!!!!You say he is "always negative" toward your son.Um...."went overboard with the gun"...??????Are u kidding me? One breath could have made a difference in the existence of your son.YOUR CONCERNS ARE LEGITIMATE!!....I am yelling it from the rooftops!Please....you need to take action.I am so afraid for you and your son and the lengths this man will go to if you attempt to act on this.Let me say...if it was me...I'd pack my shi*...grab my son,and my i.d....and disappear off the face of the earth as far as this man could tell.Because the law isn't so great at protecting you once you say...I am leaving you...and if you stay...you may as well say...this man is more important than my own sons life...because you'd stay by choice...your son has NO choice.If nothing else...put your son somewhere else...in a dif state.He actually needs his mum...ugggghhhhhhhhh I am terrified for him.>.< I am terrified for you.

[Perna]

I would make a medical appointment with you all's regular doctor and tell the doctor about the experience, see if he needs neurological testing; I can see why you would be confused, it does seem extreme and out of character for your husband, he could have a brain tumor or other such problem. Ask a doctor for help?