[Rio_]

Found out last week. Nothing's been sorted out yet as far as I can tell - mum's still in the house but will be moving down to England to be near her mum and her friends when she gets some money (she doesn't work so any money she gets will come from the separation), dad will be keeping our house so my sister and I will still be able to stay there, which is something I guess.

I think the worst thing at the moment is that there's so much I don't know - it's not my parents' fault, mum's trying to keep my sister and I as up-to-date as possible (dad's not really talking about it), but I have no idea when mum's leaving, what she's going to do when she gets there, whether she's going to find work, what's going to happen at Christmas (it's her relatives that come to visit us, doubt that's going to happen when she's not there), what's going to happen to the car my sister and I drive (which is owned by mum), and how this whole separation process actually works. I'm away at uni at the moment so am feeling a bit disconnected from the whole thing, which is good in a way because I can carry on pretty much as normal but at the same time I hate not knowing what's going on.

And as irrational as it sounds, I'm also worried that this is a bad omen for my boyfriend and I. My mum's parents split up as well after she left home, my boyfriend's parents are in the process of splitting up after 30 years of marriage...I know it doesn't mean we're definitely going to end up the same way, but the worry's still there.

Any support would be greatly appreciated, also anyone who could explain how the separation process works in the UK as well since I don't want to bug my parents too much about it...

[Perna]

I'm sorry, Rio, that you have this going on in your life right now. However, I would see if I could watch more than try to participate in this situation, since it is your parent's situation, not yours. It wasn't caused by you and what happens now, doesn't depend on you; what happens will happen but it's a little like wanting to know what is going to happen next month in your own life; no way of knowing. Yes, your car is your mum's but what happens with that, too, will be between your parents, their decision, just as it has always been.

Since your mum has been keeping you informed, this far, I would imagine she will let you know as soon as she knows when she's leaving! She and your father may not have figured that out yet and/or I can't imagine they have even given a thought to what will happen come next Christmas!

Here's a good site where you might inform yourself generally but, since you can't know the details of their marriage or why they're breaking up because it is their relationship, what you read won't be very useful since you can't choose paths because you can't know the details. http://www.divorce.co.uk/

I'm sorry it's uncomfortable not knowing what is going to happen, feeling helpless that way, but it is your parents lives (hard to be forced to separate ourselves from our parents before we might feel ready!). Can you talk to your sister and use her companionship to help comfort you since she's in the same boat?

[googley]

I'm sorry that your parents are splitting up. That really sucks. I hope that you have friends at school that you can talk about this with. One of my friend's parents split while we were in college. It is really hard. While it doesn't make it better, I'm sure that some of your parent's friends have divorced and so will be able to talk to you about what it was like for them and give you support. There were times when my parents threatened to get divorced, and I agree, the not knowing was the worst. Remember that Christmas is a long way off and things will be settled more by then. As an adult (I'm assuming that because you are in uni you are over 18-though I could be wrong because I can never keep straight the English educational system) you will be able to make a lot of decisions for yourself such as who you visit when and how long you spend with them, so even if your mother's family does not come up for Christmas, you could go and visit them. I hope that everything turns out as well as possible in this stressful situation. Keep posting here as we are here to support you.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Perna. I'm not trying to actually participate in the divorce - I know it's their decision and I respect that, as much as I don't like it. I'm just worried about the amount of stuff that is still so unclear, especially how mum is going to afford to live - she doesn't want to work, yet she wants to buy a house, and I have no idea where that money is going to come from and how much this has been thought through. I'm hoping that mum will keep me up to date, but unfortunately it's quite common in our family for information not to be shared, mum's sister still doesn't know she's leaving and she doesn't want to tell her... Also, mum's mentioned that dad has a solicitor and hasn't said whether she has or not. In a way, it almost feels worse being old enough to understand what's going on because I'm worried for my parents as well as my sister and I. I have been talking to my sister about it, but I can't see her that much because we're both busy with coursework.

And also, it's now always at the back of my mind when my boyfriend's around that my parents must have felt this way about each other at one point or they wouldn't have got married, and look where they are now...

[Rio_]

Thanks, googley. I haven't really talked about it to people at uni because it's not exactly the easiest thing to bring up in conversation, but my boyfriend knows (he was there when my dad phoned to tell me, and my boyfriend has also told his family who have been great about it) and so do a couple of my friends from home. Actually, other than my boyfriend I don't know anyone whose parents are divorced, I don't have a particularly large group of friends. Sorry you've had these sorts of problems with your parents too, that sucks. I'm hoping Christmas won't be too bad, but it will certainly be weird the first time. I'm 21, so you're right at least I do have a level of control there, plus I can afford to go visit mum when she moves - she'll be a 7-hour train journey away. Thanks, I hope so too. I keep thinking of all the things that won't be the same any more.

[googley]

(((((((((((Rio)))))))))))))

Just take it one day at a time. Trying to figure out everything about what will happen will just be overwhelming. So it sounds like your dad has a lawyer, and you are wondering if your mom does. That would be something simple to get an answer to (ask her). That can relieve that anxiety. If she doesn't she may have a good reason not to. And you can ask her why. You can also ask her (and your father) questions about how they see things like holidays happening in the future. They might not have thought about it yet, but it is their responsibility as the ones who are getting divorced to think about those things.

While you say that it is an awkward thing to bring up (which I agree) you could do it by when a friend asks you how you are saying, "well right now I'm doing pretty badly (or whatever phrase fits you). They may then ask what is wrong. If they do you can then go on with "I just found out my parents are getting a divorce." That will give you an opening to talk about it. And even if your friends themselves have not had parents who have divorced, they probably know people who's parents have divorced.

If your school provides mental health services you might want to stop in there just to have someone to talk to about this who can be a sounding board through the stress. (assuming you don't already have a T).

[Rio_]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((((Rio)))))))))))))

Just take it one day at a time. Trying to figure out everything about what will happen will just be overwhelming. So it sounds like your dad has a lawyer, and you are wondering if your mom does. That would be something simple to get an answer to (ask her). That can relieve that anxiety. If she doesn't she may have a good reason not to. And you can ask her why. You can also ask her (and your father) questions about how they see things like holidays happening in the future. They might not have thought about it yet, but it is their responsibility as the ones who are getting divorced to think about those things.

Thanks, googley. Overwhelming sounds about right. Fortunately I'll be seeing mum at the weekend, so you're right, I can ask then. It did worry me when we last spoke about it that she was so vague about the financial stuff...

While you say that it is an awkward thing to bring up (which I agree) you could do it by when a friend asks you how you are saying, "well right now I'm doing pretty badly (or whatever phrase fits you). They may then ask what is wrong. If they do you can then go on with "I just found out my parents are getting a divorce." That will give you an opening to talk about it. And even if your friends themselves have not had parents who have divorced, they probably know people who's parents have divorced.

My friends don't tend to ask how I am very often. :| But you're right, if it does come up that's a good idea - I did manage to tell one girl on my course the news that way, and she was good about it.

If your school provides mental health services you might want to stop in there just to have someone to talk to about this who can be a sounding board through the stress. (assuming you don't already have a T).

Yeah, I've been considering going back into counselling over it, but I didn't find it all that helpful the last time I went...will have to see. At least with this sort of thing it's ok to talk about it in real life with friends, unlike hair pulling, which is something I'd never talk about with anyone. (Other than my boyfriend, who's been great about it even if he tells me off whenever my hand goes anywhere near my hair now. )

[Rio_]

Just thought I'd give a quick update - turns out the car isn't actually in mum's name, so no problems there, but also discovered that dad's re-mortgaging the house to pay for wherever mum ends up, which doesn't sound good to me. I have at least managed to tell a couple of uni people what's going on, though, and they've both been very good about it, so that's something.

Mum's in England this week looking at houses...