[RomanSunburn]

So, as some of you may have read in my recent thread, I'm having troubles with my best friend of 3 years. He is basically the other man in a sexual and emotional affair. I was not a fan of it, to put it lightly. It started out sexual and turned emotional and he still felt that the girl should stay with her boyfriend because the boyfriend was capable of handling her bipolar much better than my friend would be able to, but that the two of them (my friend and the girl) could still cuddle, talk and share an emotional bond while she stayed with her boyfriend was fine. When that happened I made it clear that I didn't think he should talk to this girl any more because she needed time to figure out what she wanted; it's not kosher for her to have both boys. My best friend then said that me and him should not talk for awhile.

The whole thing upsets me so much because my best friend is making poor choices and I understand the feelings of betrayal that come with cheating and it bothers me that he is okay with inflicting that on another human being.

We haven't talked in over a week. We have gone this long without speaking before, but never on purpose. I'm extremely angry and hurt, both because I feel that he is being irresponsible, selfish, and simply not someone I want to be friends with, but also because I feel he is throwing away our friendship for this girl and his own selfishness. Part of me wants to send him a message and part of me wants to wait for him to talk to me. I feel like if I send the message first, I've caved and admitted what he is doing is okay. But I also want him to know how angry I am and that I am not taking his silence lightly. A mutual friend suggested I simply send a message that says "Hey, how are you?" just to get us talking again. I feel more like sending a message along the lines of "Now I know the true depth of your change from the person I became friends with since you have decided to put this girl between us. I remember a time when you said that would never happen..." Or even just an angry, ranting email.

I just don't know what to do. Message him or not? If yes, then what kind of message? I feel like I cannot just let this friendship dissolve into nothing without saying something, but at the same time, I feel like saying something would bring it back to where it was before all this happened, which is not really what I want either.

Please tell me what you would do... This is driving me crazy and making me extremely angry, frustrated, and hurt.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

So, as some of you may have read in my recent thread, I'm having troubles with my best friend of 3 years. He is basically the other man in a sexual and emotional affair. I was not a fan of it, to put it lightly. It started out sexual and turned emotional and he still felt that the girl should stay with her boyfriend because the boyfriend was capable of handling her bipolar much better than my friend would be able to, but that the two of them (my friend and the girl) could still cuddle, talk and share an emotional bond while she stayed with her boyfriend was fine. When that happened I made it clear that I didn't think he should talk to this girl any more because she needed time to figure out what she wanted; it's not kosher for her to have both boys. My best friend then said that me and him should not talk for awhile.

The whole thing upsets me so much because my best friend is making poor choices and I understand the feelings of betrayal that come with cheating and it bothers me that he is okay with inflicting that on another human being.

We haven't talked in over a week. We have gone this long without speaking before, but never on purpose. I'm extremely angry and hurt, both because I feel that he is being irresponsible, selfish, and simply not someone I want to be friends with, but also because I feel he is throwing away our friendship for this girl and his own selfishness. Part of me wants to send him a message and part of me wants to wait for him to talk to me. I feel like if I send the message first, I've caved and admitted what he is doing is okay. But I also want him to know how angry I am and that I am not taking his silence lightly. A mutual friend suggested I simply send a message that says "Hey, how are you?" just to get us talking again. I feel more like sending a message along the lines of "Now I know the true depth of your change from the person I became friends with since you have decided to put this girl between us. I remember a time when you said that would never happen..." Or even just an angry, ranting email.

I just don't know what to do. Message him or not? If yes, then what kind of message? I feel like I cannot just let this friendship dissolve into nothing without saying something, but at the same time, I feel like saying something would bring it back to where it was before all this happened, which is not really what I want either.

Please tell me what you would do... This is driving me crazy and making me extremely angry, frustrated, and hurt.

I would be inclined to start: "We were best friends. Now I am terribly said because I miss you, but I am angry at what I think is your foolish behavior with this girl."

[Leed]

Hi ~ I think I would hold my ground and NOT say anything. He needs to know how STRONGLY you feel about this, and by saying something he will know how much you miss him, and that will send the message that "anything he does is ok with you" because you NEED him so much. That's not what you want him to think.

You want him to know that with friends, there HAVE to be some boundaries -- some morals & ethics. You want to be a stand-up person, and if he's going to play these kinds of rotten games, then maybe he's not the person you want to hang out with. Perhaps he'll grow up and see that you mean business and if he values your friendship, he'll knock off this nonsense.

Best of luck and God bless. I hope your friend copies YOUR behavior!! Take care. Hugs, Lee

[hippiechick]

What do you want? Do you want to end your friendship because you no longer respect this man? Or do you want to confront him in the hope that he might change something about the situation? If you can answer one of those questions with a clear, firm "yes" that seems like you've got your answer.

If you can't, maybe you could take a different approach altogether. Send your friend a note asking to meet somewhere neutral for a coffee and a talk. If he agrees, when you have the talk just tell him that you value him as a person and you value his friendship. However, you can't respect the way he is handling his relationship with the young lady in question. Tell him that because your feelings on the matter are so strong and becauese they are affecting your friendship, you are asking him to agree that this particular subject is off the table. You don't want to discuss the girl or his relationship with her and you won't spend time in their company. You may actually find it a relief to have forbidden yourself from discussing this situation with him. He obviously doesn't share your point of view. That doesn't make him a bad friend to you. It just means he may not be the person you thought he was.

Good Luck,
Hippiechick

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I just don't know what to do. Message him or not? If yes, then what kind of message? I feel like I cannot just let this friendship dissolve into nothing without saying something, but at the same time, I feel like saying something would bring it back to where it was before all this happened, which is not really what I want either.

Please tell me what you would do... This is driving me crazy and making me extremely angry, frustrated, and hurt.