Any advice appreciated

Hi everyone,
I will try to keep this brief--my sister in law fits the description of a person with NPD to a tee. She displays all of the traits -- including a complete lack of ability to see her own behavior clearly or take responsibility for any of it. Everything is always someone elses fault. She lies about everything constantly, whether there is any discernible reason to or not. If you point out a lie, she simply denies it or deflects and changes the subject.

My question is: what hope is there? Some of us have discussed an intervention of sorts, but I know that part of her thinking is that nothing is wrong with her, just with everyone else. She also seems paranoid and tries to drive wedges between everyone in the family--viewing us as enemies, although all anyone wants to do is see her get better so that her kids dont suffer. She lies to her friends and speaks in a very calm and centered tone --describing herself as a victim in her relationship with my brother--but those of us who see her regularly have seen rage, manipulation, lying and excessive control issues.

It has crossed my mind that she could have BPD, but at this point, the label is secondary to the main problem, which is how do you get a person with a personality disorder to see themselves clearly for long enough to get help?

Is there any hope other than all of us learning to live with this woman?

Thank you for any advice you may have!

nikola, wish i had a crystal ball to help you with this. the one question that i have is your brother aware of her abberant behavior? i am concerned for the children too. if your brother would be agreeable i wonder if child counselling would help them? would your brother be willing also to do some family therapy with the kids as well?
as for your sister in law if she does have NPD she is toxic to everyone in your family. sounds like everyone is aware of this so that should lessen her impact. i can't see how an intervention would help cause she doesn't see herself as having a problem. if her dx of NPD is correct it would be most difficult to aide her in seeing the problem. idk.
others may have more helpful suggestions. i have a son with BPD so understand the dynamics but am unable to help him. i had to sadly pull away cause he has outrageous rage among other things. it is most upsetting if i have much contact with him. i think the same situation would happen if he had NPD.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder from psych central resource.

If your S-I-L indeed has NPD, I also think that an intervention would not be helpful & might also make things worse. Those with NPD do not live in a world where they can be the primary problem & I don't think you, or a group of you, will convince them. I also agree that if you and other family see through her haze and understand it to some degree, it should help all of you cope. I appreciate your concern for the children, but they may do okay provided your brother has a healthier personality. I think this is a situation where the healthier members of the family help each other compensate. Good professional help (as needed) for them would be a more fruitful approach. Since I don't think you can change the S-I-L much, the better strategy is to limit the collateral damage I think. Good luck.

I'm not sure if this advice is good or bad, but here is how I would handle it...

If she does have NPD, which it seems that she has it to some extent, then I'm not sure how confronting her will help unless it is done on an individual basis. I feel like maybe, since she is not a part of the "immediate family", she might feel very threatened by the whole group approaching her with concerns about her behavior. The reason she acts that way to begin with stem from feelings of inadequacy and rejection, so she might interpret an intervention as confirmation that she is inadequate and that no one likes her.

So, instead, maybe try to speak to her one-on-one, and begin the conversation on a positive note, listing the qualities that you like and admire in her. I usually try to level with the person by admitting some of my own faults, followed by things the other person does well that I have have a hard time with, and then gently start talking about MY feelings about their behavior. This opens a line of dialogue, making the situation more about how I feel about their behavior, rather than coming at it from an angle of "you should really fix this". A person with this disorder is very sensative, so I would be very careful with my words to try and make sure that I don't come off as being "better" than they are in some way. Maybe if you are able to make it a personal conversation between two friends who love and trust each other, she will be much more cooperative and responsive.

Again, this may not be the best way to handle it, but based on the information you gave, it is how I would go about it. I hope it helps! Good luck, and I hope you are able to find a solution that works for everyone!