Husand unwilling to work on marriage

Good evening,

I have been married for 3 years now. My husband loves me of that I have no doubt and I love him. We have been seeing a therapist together for about 6 months. He always seems to be interactive and willing to try things when we are in the office. He takes suggestions and we have bought some books that were suggested. The issue comes to getting home with the information. He always shared his inner most secrets before we got married. Now he doesn't want to talk at all. Well that isn't entirely true. He will talk about everything under the sun except our marriage and why neither of us is happy.

We have been hit pretty hard by the economic slow down and I have tried everything I know to help keep him optimistic during the times he has been unemployed. The problem is that as each day goes by I start feeling more and more like he is just using me. I just keep giving and doing everything I can to make things better for the both of us. He continues to sleep and slouch around the house. How are things suppose to get better if only one of us is really trying?

Any input would be great
Thanks

Has your husband been evaluated for depression?

I do not have the economic problems you have and my husband is not depressed and does his share of the chores, etc. but the first part of your post rang a bell with me in that my husband doesn't think/work the same way I do on our/his issues. I have been having to back off because I am using too much energy "pushing" him toward what I perceive as what he wants :-) I finally went off on him last month when we were on vacation and decided then to leave him alone and pursue my own interests but I'm still having trouble not trying to "direct" him.

My husband smokes and once, a long time again I jokingly made up a scenario out loud of the future, when I would live (alone) in a nice little townhouse and have this and that and do this and that, etc., I just kept on describing and suddenly he asked, a little anxiously I thought, "But where will I be?" and I quickly answered, "You'll be dead from smoking!" and went back to my cozy little world without him description and he said, "But I don't want to be dead!"

Make up little stories about your ideal future, with and without him (but with him just "there" not specifically doing anything and don't go into "his" future, that's his job) and see how he reacts and whether you can get a conversation started about what's going on with him and some ideas of what you would like and what he would actually like. He may join in or may leave in disgust, or may who-knows-what.

You all have to get talking outside of the therapy room for the marriage to work. If he shows signs of depression, as TheByzantine suggests, HE has to recognize it and go for help, you can't carry him there. Instead of "helping" so much and feeling you are not getting any return, you have to do your own thing. Remember, whether he is there or not, you have to fix meals for yourself, take your trash out, do your dishes, so don't make the issue about whether he does chores or not; you have to decide if you enjoy being with him in sickness/health, richer/poorer, etc. If you know he loves you, that he is deliberately "using" you is not likely? Let him know how you feel, and what you are doing with your life and encourage him to "join" you and/or to work on his own issues/life.

Let him know you are available to him, but not if he's not doing anything! If it is literally getting difficult to pay your mortgage/rent, then state that fact and that you are going to look for a smaller place for you to live. Hopefully he'll have an opinion on that, wonder about your talking only about yourself or will offer to join you in the look or will tell you he thinks it's a stupid idea, whatever and you can discuss the "facts" from there. The wondering about talking about yourself, you talk about how he doesn't seem to be doing much himself; if he offers to join you in looking for a smaller place, you take him up on it and the two of you look for a smaller place together and while you're driving around looking at places you can talk about the future and how he feels (if he feels depressed) or just how he views the changes and his place in them. If he thinks it's a "stupid" idea, again point out that you don't see much coming from him, either in ideas or support for your current, too-expensive lifestyle. Be kind and factual/logical, but mostly talk about yourself and what you are doing for yourself.