[lenjan]

There aren't many "oldtimers," at least ones who know me, left around here anymore, so for quick background's sake: I was young, on welfare, and alone, and so when I found myself pregnant at 22 I put the child up for adoption, specifically because I wanted him to have a 2 parent family, and not a single mom with no education living on food stamps.

Roughly two years ago, his adoptive mom TRACKED ME DOWN -- that's right -- SHE took the time to do a LOT of sleuthing to find me, without any help from the adoption agency, which would have been horrified had they known what she was doing -- sent pictures, sent updates, told me she was happy to fill me in on anything I wanted to know, etc. My son was a couple months shy of 16 when this happened.

He will be 18 this coming May and graduating from high school. His mom and I have kept in touch. I make $13 an hour and yet manage to send him hundreds of dollars' worth of stuff (not exaggerating) for each Christmas and birthday. He always writes to say thank you, at least, but as he's gotten a little older and more mature, he's gotten a bit braver and more comfortable with me.

In recent weeks he has sent me two completely unsolicited, completely no-prodding-from-adoptive-mom, nicely chatty emails about how he's doing in school and he likes the CDs I sent and blah blah blah. It made my heart sing.

Last night I wrote him one just to say hi. His a-mom is hugely protective and will not let me anywhere near him without going through her first, so if I want to send an email, I have to send it to her address and she'll read it over and decide whether or not he gets to see it.

She wrote back today and told me not to write him unless he initiates it. He's in a time of transition and he should be concentrating on getting ready for college and having fun instead of worrying about me. (He has no earthly reason to worry about me.) She kept saying in the email, "I know this sounds mean," which it f'ing well did, and I'm pretty damn pissed.

Here's the thing: I signed over my parental rights 5 days after he was born. In everything except pregnancy and delivery, SHE is his mother, legally and in every other way. I have no standing unless she grants it to me, which she has. But she's let me stick a toe in the door, and every time I dare to stick TWO toes in the door, she slams the g-d door on my foot.

I don't get it, because she's the one who let me in this far in the first place. I have no idea what my role is or should be. I belong to two birthmoms' groups and not one person in either group has ever had contact with her child before being reunited in person. This is new ground for me and for everyone I know. I just want to know where I belong. She wouldn't have him if it weren't for me, but I can't have access to him without her.

Please help!

Candy

[SeptemberMorn]

Candy, I don't know what to say. It's the pits, I know. Makes you wonder why she even let you know where they are. Maybe she's just worried about how she looks to him. Nevertheless, she is his "acting" mother and you have to follow her rules. I have the same crap with my grandkids. They're pawns for their parents to play games with.

You have every right to feel angry! Does she want him to communicate with you and get to know you or NOT?! She just may hang herself by being so strict. She sounds a bit insecure, having you email letters to him THROUGH her. Sounds like she may not trust him to tell her what you said. Strange that she would find you then. I don't know... weird...

Hang tight, Candy. It may take some time, but your turn will come.

[ozzie]

((((((((((((((Candy)))))))))))))

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((candy))))))))))))))))))