Marriage = Team???

I am so sad. My heart hurts so bad because what I dreamed of a marriage being is nothing like my marriage. This is not my 1st marriage so I should have known better.

Can anyone tell me what you think being a "team" in a marriage is? Maybe I am off base on what I think it should be? Maybe I am expecting too much?

I don't have a friend in my Husband and it breaks my heart. I feel more like a Slave/Mother instead of a Wife. We are in Marriage Counseling and "I" am working so very hard trying to do what our Conselor says, I am reading books he suggests, I am taking a DBT class to learn better communication skills, I have done the "LOVE DARE" book on my Husband (it goes with the movie "FIREPROOF". A real must see for Marriages on the verge of Divorce), I have been through personal Counseling and what really bothers me is my Husband hasn't done any of the work he is being taught in Marriage Counseling at home plus he won't read the book our Couselor asked him to read.

I have tried to use the skills correctly although I am not perfect at it. When I do my Husband doesn't respond like I thought he would being I am using the right skills. Then I get upset and I cry or I get mad or I just give up and go in the bedroom. He gets mad and ignores me which he does whenever I try to do the right thing in communication. I am exhausted emotionally and I have very little hope this marriage can even be saved. He says we should just forget everything and start over. Every time he says that to me, he has done something that he wants to cover up and hope I don't find out. One time it was an affair. So trust is a huge issue.

I am getting off the subject. I'm sorry. I hope I hear back from you.

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

broken_hearted

If my significant other were to be *that* engaged in marriage counseling and books and programs... i think I would take offense to that, thinking that he or she did not feel I was adequate enough for them, or that they think the marriage isn't working right. I agree that being a slave/mother is NOT a role in any relationship, however maybe your husband is taking offense to how much you think all these books and stuff will help the marriage. not to be on his side, just adding a different perspective.

not saying its an excuse for him not working on the marriage, just that maybe thats why he is reacting so negatively.

I think that if he really wants to have the marriage work out he'd at least try the counsellor's suggestions. I mean its not hard to read a book - well I guess as long as one knows how to read of course . But as your husband he should take into consideration and understand that you are trying desperately to save your marriage before its too late. I think he should be patient with you instead of being angry.

Then again, I don't know if I really have any insight, I've never been married and my boyfriend is generally the subject of my woes.

I have to agree with the other poster. It would make me feel that he didn't respect me or the institute of marriage enough to even TRY. So he wants to start all over again? What in the world is the point of that? To just repeat the same old things again?? I don't think I could stand that.

Perhaps a trial separation is in order. Maybe then he'd see how hard you've worked at keeping him happy. Maybe then he'd be willing to work at being a partner in this marriage. But you'd also have to be prepared for him to come back and say he wanted out too. But you haven't got much to lose ~ he's not a partner now ~ and this marriage is certainly on the rocks. Ask your therapist and see what he has to say. I think it's a good idea, but your therapist might not. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Can you remember back when you were dating and early in the marriage. How did it go then? Usually things continue in the same vein. I did a lot of noticing before my DH and I got married, how he talked about and treated me and all the other women in his life (mother, ex-wife, my mother, etc.). When we lived together we came up with shared chores; he was feeding himself cheese hot dogs every night so I took over the cooking and he does the dishes (he was a dishwasher at a club in his teens and is the oldest of 4 boy and did the dishes at home too). We don't always keep to our roles though; sometimes I don't feel like cooking and he kind of does the dishes slapdash so they aren't always out of the way when I go to make dinner and I have to clean up the kitchen first. But that's okay with both of us. The major thing is that we let the other person "be" themselves. I don't put my desires off on him ("You're a slob, pick up your clothes!" or, "Why do I have to do everything around here?") and he doesn't ask me to do what he wants done. It's tricky when people are raised differently, especially males and females, figuring out that how we were trained to care for a house/do chores, etc. is not the only or "best" way to do it. I like some chores better than others but as my therapist said, "Who likes cleaning the toilet?" Now when I wish something were a certain way, but that it wasn't me making it that way, I think about that; how my husband was raised, how I was raised, what difference it makes in the larger scheme of things and "who" wants something a certain way. If I want something, it is up to me to make that happen for myself.

I would not be too disturbed if my husband did not do what a counselor asked, especially if it was reading or other things my husband doesn't do anyway? I would also have a little trouble following a book or another person's instructions on how to relate to my husband; presumably my first hand experience is the best and my knowledge of myself and how I relate would help me more than someone who does not know me as well.

It sounds like you want your husband to do things he does not want to do. That can lead to nothing but frustration. What does your husband mean by "start over"; what is he expecting or going to do differently? I would "play" with that with him, write out a "Starting Now" document with him, together and see what he wants to do differently than he is now doing it, not necessarily what you would like, but what he would like to do. If you all are trying to recover from an affair of his, I would ask him what he got from the affair that he felt he wasn't getting from you and I would work to see if you can learn to give him that (if you still love him). Word things positively instead of negatively; instead of "No more affairs" or "No nagging" I would see if you would both like "Practice being more companionable and friendly" and then discuss that directly, what would that mean to him and to you. To be companionable, one has to spend time together, I would discuss how much time you spend together and how you spend that time, etc. I would have fun with the discussion instead of making it an argument. Even if he does not understand and is negative, accept it as good information, "Okay, I'll see what I can do about not nagging as much (and then figure out how to do that), but what would you like for me to do more of, what do you enjoy about our relationship?"

If your husband is mostly negative and mostly uncooperative when you try for a light, no-criticism, friendly/partnership, information gathering sort of conversation (where you take notes for yourself and also try to get a "start over" list for the two of you going) then I would pretty much declare you are not getting enough of what you want in this relationship with him and are thinking of leaving the relationship and looking elsewhere for it).

I know how you feel. Like Leed said on my post, my marriage is more of a dictatorship than a partnership. Thats true. I wish I could give some advice but i dont even know what to do. But you're not alone.

Look at your husbands other behaviors. Is he possibly trying things that the counselor suggested, just maybe not "all" the suggestions? Could he be depressed himself and thus not int he mindset to try and help fix the issues? Does he see the issues in the first place? Have you tried discussing his lack of participation with him personally and if that doesn't work, with him and the counselor?

I hope things get better for you, remember to be good to yourself.

I ended up stopping marriage counseling because I felt like I was only one putting forth any effort. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I feel the similar and can relate. Sorry you are going through this. For a long time I thought everything was my fault...I'm working in individual therapy at sharing the blame rather than taking it all on myself. I never had a good model of marriage growing up so I didn't realize how many things were wrong with my marriage until I went to couseling for other issues. Marriage should be a partnership....at least that's what I believe. Sometimes those words are easier said than done.