[aveda12]

Hi,

My first post. I googled being in a relationship with a depressed person. I love him, we're engaged and I don't want anyone else. My main concern is if I can be happy even though he has depression. He's tried antidepressants and therapy but then he stopped. I didn't note a difference before, during or after. He tried it for a year and he made the decision to stop treatment.

I support him in all that he does but he has really low self esteem and it hurts me when he puts himself down. I used to not be so affected by it and dismiss it as his depresion talking but lately I can't help but wonder if this is what the future holds.

I know I play a role in my own happiness and its key to make time for myself to vent and go out with friends but it hurts to think he might always be depressed. We want kids but I don't want our kids to deal with his depression. He's negative and paranoid that everyone is out to get him and I'm always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

How else can I cope or have hope?

Welcome to the Community, aveda12. You have raised many things to be concerned about. My thought is there are other therapists. Because he did not connect with one does not mean he will not connect with another. I hope he tries again. If he does not, I would be very concerned.

You want to be a wife, not a caregiver.

[happiedasiy]

Extreme caution!
You choose to do what you want do.
You are already depressed because of this person.
I stayed in a relationship for over 10 years and my state of mind would bend
in the wind with my boyfriend. You can't help him, he needs a professional, but you can choose what you want which is happiness.
If a man/woman is not stable in their own mind it would not be wise to marry/children at this time. However there is always hope.
My hope for you is that you follow your instincive insight, then your heart.
This man must walk alone through whatever his issues are but not for you.

[aveda12]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Welcome to the Community, aveda12. You have raised many things to be concerned about. My thought is there are other therapists. Because he did not connect with one does not mean he will not connect with another. I hope he tries again. If he does not, I would be very concerned.

You want to be a wife, not a caregiver.

That was his second therapist and his second time being on antidepressants but a diffrent brand. He had tried it all once before when he was in high school, before we met. He admitted that he liked the second therapist better, but after a year he didn't feel the same way towards that same therapist and stopped treatment.

I've read about couples therapy. I wonder if it would make a difference if we were to go together.

I thank you for your post.

[Justme_55]

I am separated from my husband due to his alcoholism and abusive tendoncies because of his depression. I know what it means to be in love and hoping that you're better half will get on the right track to make themselves happy. From my personal experience I would suggest to you to attempt to push him towards continued help; but he can only get help if he really wants it. Working ones way through depression is difficult and takes tons of work; it's not an easy road but he has to be willing to put his best foot forward and not give up on himself. Progress a day at a time is you're only hope for a genuinely happy partnership and healthier life together and as individuals. Best of luck!

[RomanSunburn]

For probably a good four or five years of my relationship with my fiance, I was extremely depressed. I think my fiance had an easier time of dealing with it, though, because we were long distance for most of the time. When we finally moved in together (and several states away from both of our families), I was forced to grow up a little, which I think helped my depression some. I still struggle with both my depression and my anxiety, but it came to a point where I had to actually want to get better, not want to allow myself to wallow in my depression, which is a lot harder than it seems. Getting better is terrifying because for so long, you've only know the hurt and pain, which is so much more comfortable than pushing yourself to be better.

I think couples therapy could be helpful for you; it might make your fiance realize how much he's hurting you, and that might be the push he needs to realize he needs to want to get better to save both himself and your relationship. I would probably hold off on planning your wedding until he starts showing real attempts to get better. Possibly check out the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. It's written for people who's partners have BPD, but it also talks about remembering to stick up for yourself and care for yourself.

One side note, I was on a variety of different medications for 5 years and went through several different therapists over the course of 7 years (I'm in therapy right now), so it definitely takes a lot of work to find the right medications (if you need them; I don't take them anymore), and the right therapist.