[miss.understood2010]

4 years ago i looked into his eyes and i never forgot that moment - neither of us did. He lived 5 hours away and it was just by chance he was visiting a friend in town. We stayed in contact for 2 years and realized we had developed feelings for each other. as far as we were concerned we loved each other - even if we continued living our separate lives with others coming and going. we would always be there for one another with bi-monthly visits. this carried on for 1 year.

Everything has always felt like i am 'home' when i am with him.. even after everything.

nearly exactly a year ago we decided to take our relationship to the next level. i moved to his city to be with him leaving all my friends and family behind. moving to a place where i had no support except for him. (massive thing for me as i used to be afraid of going to a supermarket by myself let alone moving to another city). i was flatting with a lady i had stayed with briefly in my home town after a month of spending practically every night together for a month we decided to move in together. after a few weeks i got quite sick and he dragged me to the doctor - we were both certain there was no way i could be pregnant.. i was taking contraception to avoid the monthly visit and to help with my skin. except i was pregnant

After finding out the first thing i said was 'abort' .. it was a nervous reaction.. but then i thought about how my old doctor told me there was a possibility i couldnt fall pregnant (at least not without extensive help) and the possibility of not being able to have children scared me.. so i decided to keep it.. much to his dismay.

OCTOBER - for 2 weeks after we found out he left me at home, alone and scared, every night so he could go and drink with his mates. (i had chronic morning sickness and couldnt leave the bed) i found txts from another girl on his phone flirting with him and saying she wished he was single.. he agreed with her. of course once i confronted him he had an explanation (not that it made any sense at all).
after the arguing about how i was about to "**** up his life" i left and moved back home. The day i was to leave he said he still wanted to work things out with me but he understood i needed to move home for the support from my family and that he would join me later on.

January - he came up to visit me for 3 weeks. week 2 i found txts on his phone from some girl upset that he was 'back' with me (even though we had decided not to end our relationship) and that how he was an asshole for asking for sex and leading her on. i confronted him (trying not to flip out with hormones etc) he said he thought it would be best that he leaves and we try sort it out when i had calmed down. i told him if he left then he would never be allowed back. so he stayed and we talked it out. even though i couldnt stand him touching me and i spent the last week in shock staring at the wall in tears.

i went down to visit him a few times and stayed with him .. things went relatively back to normal. though that trust now broken has always been an issue since.

skip to 8 months preg he FINALLY came up north to live with me after much nagging about how me and our son were not his priority. after he was here he got a job and things were great for 6 weeks, he talked about marriage in a few years, having our own place and maybe a sister for our little boy.. we were happy. at least so i thought.

on my due date i read private messages on his facebook saying how he didnt like me any more that he convinced himself he didnt love me and that he was planning to leave when our son was a few months old. i left the messages on screen all i could do was scream and cry to my mother. (who tried to settle me for fear i would put myself into labour)

after i settled i told him he can stay (in the spare room) untill a few days after baby was born. but then he would have to leave. ... i never thought he would. but he never spent one night in that spare room.. i allowed him to keep staying in my room as i was scared of going into labor in the middle of the night and i wanted to have him close... at least thats what i told everyone.. i dont even believe that myself anymore, i just wanted things to go back to normal even if he was an *** for planing to leave. Damian still cuddled me and asked if he changed his mind would i take him back.. i said yes. but he never changed his mind.

i had my son a week later.. he was a great support through the labor and birth and spent 2 nights with me in hospital... then told me his friends would be there at 9 am the next morning and he was leaving.. they showed up at 7 and not wanting to disappoint his monkeys, he held his son one last time and walked out the door.

instead of me showing how upset i was, i held it in, causing me to have nightmares about me screaming incoherently at him, falling to the floor and not being able to walk or run.. just crawling towards a door in a fit of rage and tears.

after a few weeks i started to accept he didnt love me anymore and there was nothing i could do to fix that.. and that i would have to move on.

5 weeks later (or rather 3 weeks ago) i get a txt saying how badly he screwed up how he needs me in his life and he was an idiot for leaving (it was alot more detailed then that but you get the general idea).

i told him i wouldnt agree to playing happy families, no matter how right he said it felt, unless he moved somewhere closer got a job and settled in his own place and we looked at things on a weekend basis. i felt like i would take the power back. i said that i wouldnt get emotionally invested because i didnt think he would follow through.. and i still dont.. but i still have hope.. even if its fools hope.

as the days progressed our contact increased and my emotional attachment to him has become like it used to be. except with me throwing it in his face that he left us every now and then and that our son has grown so much in 2 months.

he knows theres no trust any more.. but there is still love. i know he will probably walk out again. and im not considering a reconciliation for our sons sake.. its for my own selfish needs, that i love him and no other reason.
but why has my reasoning gone out the door? i know this wont work.. yet im willing to go through all the pain for a 4th time and my heart aches just thinking about it. how can there be love without trust? why am i going to go through all this again? how could i ever trust him again?

[jamminpianogirl]

I think many of us have experienced a situation like this where the commitment is completely unbalanced, and we have been betrayed/abandoned/toyed with but still find ourselves in love. Knowing what's rationally the best decision doesn't help you stop loving somebody or stop the hurt. Unfortunately it sounds like this man does not have the same level of caring for you as you do for him, and/or he is not mature enough to commit. So unless he makes some BIG changes, I think the pattern will continue. I can only assure you that there are people in the world that will love you more and treat you better, if you let this go and give someone else a chance. But I completely understand how hard it is to let go, especially when a romance has gone on for a long time and you probably can hardly imagine life without him.