My boyfriend...

It's really hard to talk about this. I feel like I'm betraying him whenever I do. I comfort myself saying it's the internet and nobody's going to know him personally, but it doesn't help. I'm betraying him. But I need to help him, and I don't know how to do that. I'm really hoping you guys can give me some advice on this.

His ex-girlfriend tried to commit suicide. He was the only one there for her. Her parents weren't very good about it. She was pregnant. It happened two times. The second happened while he was trying to talk to her parents. He lived at the hospital for a few days. Her parents sent her away. She died of an allergic reaction. Okay. I just typed it. That was really hard. I don't know if I can send this. I feel so terrible. I'm so guilty. I don't want to send this. But I think you need to know this in order to help. I'm pressing on... I guess I can always delete this thread later, right?

Okay. Okay. Well... He's not sleeping. Every time he goes to sleep he's got these terrible nightmares. It's of her. I don't know much about them. They haunt him. He gets two hours a night if he's lucky. I can't stand it. It's been a month. He wont talk about it. His parents are out of the question to talk about it. My parents are definitely not suited for that, they've got problems of their own. Her parents blame him. He tells me all he needs is time, and he's never one to talk about feelings.

I finally brought up talking to a therapist about this... It's hard because he's got a really big temper. He loves me and he'd never hurt me in a million years, and he always comes around and apologizes for it, he feels terrible about it, and I don't mind it so much. It's just that it's hard to convince him of anything he doesn't want to do.

"Me: I feel so useless just sitting and not doing anything about this... You're not sleeping... Do you think that... maybe you should talk to someone about it? Doesn't have to be me, but... I'm really worried about you...

Him: No.

Me: I know you don't talk about things, but how could you possibly keep this inside? It's not working. You're human. You're being tortured... And I know that you wouldn't care, normally, but... You care about me, right? And if our situations were switched... How would you feel? Would you just sit back and let me suffer because I'd get mad at you if you did something?

Him: Switching positions doesn't work. Were both very different in the way we deal with things. You may need to talk. But i just need time.

Me: I'd believe you but things aren't getting better with time...
How about this... We set a date... And if thing's haven't changed since then... you'll consider it... (and that's not a "you'll do something immediately", that's just a "you'll actually consider it"... because I know you're not, and wouldn't...) But if they're getting better than I'll drop it... Is that okay?

Him: I guess...but it wont change anything. I'm not talking to anybody.

Me: It might. Most people benefit from it. You're not most people, but it's not going to hurt you... And I'm not saying do it... I'm just saying... think about doing it...
what date do you wanna set?

Him: I refuse.

Me: To think about it? or to set a date?

Him: Both.

Me: You wouldn't have to think about it until said date...
Why not... May 5th? Things don't have to be completely better by them... I don't expect them to... But if they've improved, then fine I wont nag you about talking, your own methods are proving to be working... But if nothing's improved, then you'll think about it. That's all I'm asking... Please...

Him: No. I'm not changing my mind on this. Ever.

Me: But what if it doesn't change? What if you're stuck like this? I wont let that happen. I will never let that happen. But to make sure it doesn't, you might have to change your mind on it...
I'm saying May 5th... Let's just see what happens...
I'm sorry I'm pushing you. I love you.

Him: You can set all the dates you want. Im not budging."


That's how most of these conversations go. Please. I don't know what to do. I'm betraying him by writing this but I need help on how to help him. I'm pathetic and I'm not doing anything to help, I'm just getting him upset. Please please please somebody help.

[ALSO: I will delete this later. I can't stand having this up. I can't stand myself for doing this. I'd really prefer PM's if the conversation continues. Thanks...]

Well, it sounds to me like the more you push the issue of him seeking help, the more stubborn he will be. I don't know what other advice to give other than to pack up a suitcase and tell him that you are giving him some space to deal with his issues, since he refuses to talk about it or take any other action that might help him feel better. Not break up with him, but just stay with a friend for a few days so he can have some space. I would tell him that it isn't just his problem, because the two of you are living and sleeping together (I'm assuming?) and presumably attempting to build a life together. If this is the way he deals with all of his emotional issues (by shutting everyone out in an effort to be stoic or macho or something), than it will only end up hurting you in the long run.

I'm only telling you what my gut feeling is. It's what I WOULD DO, but may not be necessarily the best choice for you. You know in your heart what you needs to be done because you have all the details. Also keep in mind that I am working through my own issues and I'm not a qualified therapist or anything, so my advice might be totally bogus. :-)

Good luck and keep posting, please.

PS: please stop beating yourself up about sharing this. No one here is judging him or you, and it's OK to talk to other people in a safe environment like this to get advice for someone you obviously care a lot about. You're a good person. Be good to yourself! (I have to work on loving myself, too...it's easier said than done!)

Oh, wow, I feel kind of cool because you assumed I'm older and living with him... I'm taking it as a compliment, haha... Um, no, I'm 15. My boyfriend is 16. I don't know how that changes things, except that we live separately and we're not sleeping together (yet- that actually might change soon... but that's another story...). Um... He's not always like how he was in that conversation. It's just when I press him. I love him and usually he's extremely sweet and loving. I'm willing to work on him with whatever macho stuff he wants. He's just like that, and I don't really mind... I do want to build a life with him. I know that's asking a lot of a high school relationship but... Let me have my fantasies, haha... We're going to go to California together when we're 18... I'm going to be a teacher and he doesn't know what he wants to be yet... But.. the point is, I could never leave him. I love him. And he loves me. Even if in the middle of a fight I ask him if he wants space he'll immediately cool down and ask me not to leave him. He's really very sweet, I'm sorry I didn't really portray that correctly.

And I respect you a lot for your opinion. I mean, you seem really independent and logical and I admire that. I will mention about how his issues are mine now too, and that it does hurt me that he isn't able to talk about them. Thank you. That's a really smart thing to say.

And thank you to your PS... That does make me feel a lot better... I know it's private and a great community... I guess I needed to be reminded of that...

You are so young to be dealing with all of this. I thought you were older as well.

You said it's been a month now - have you only been dating a month? That's not a very long time - maybe you need to take a break till he can get his sleep together - teenagers actually need more sleep than adults

Your boyfriend has experienced something extremely traumatic and without help he is only going to get worse....time heals many things, but I'm not sure it will help something like that....and you mentioned his temper...if he's not hurting you, what is he apologizing about? Even if he's just yelling at you, it's still abuse and you shouldn't stand for it.

I know you love him. I remember my first love at 15 and how intense it was but your boyfriend needs help and if he's not willing to get it its going to affect his grades, how he acts all the time...your boyfriend needs some serious help that you are not equipped to give him. LazyLogophile is right, this isn't just his problem if he's in a relationship with you, plus he's living with his parents I'm assuming.....

Bottom line - you are doing the right thing by asking for help and asking him to get help. If he doesn't want to get help then you might have to step back for a little while till he realizes he needs it. He's too young to be dealing with this on his own and so are you.


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Wow. I think that's a good thing... Thanks, guys... Hah...

But, um, yeah, we've been dating about a month and a half or so, but we've been friends for almost two years now. And he does need more sleep and things, but, you know... Okay... I hate talking about this because I always feel like I'm bragging when in reality I hate it, but he's not like other guys or other people or other teenagers at all...

His dad used to hit him. He beat his dad up when he was younger, and his dad hasn't touched him since. It sounds kind of insane. I still freak out about it, because I'm worried because he still lives with his dad and that can't be safe or easy to deal with at all but I told you, he refuses to talk about it. Telling me that in general was a huge step for him... I'm really proud of him for that... I just wish I could handle this better. But that's not it... Before he dated me he slept around a lot and dated millions of girls based on looks and everything else... He partied almost every night... He still gets A's because he's very smart, he barely slept anyway, and he did way too many drugs. He doesn't do that now. But it's made him think that he can handle anything. He's also a daredevil. He does all of these crazy things that involve jumping out of airplanes and crazy stuff and he was freaking dead for eleven seconds and THAT certainly scares the crap out of me...

But... after all of that... it's really hard to convince him that he's human and has needs like sleep and sometimes even food. Let alone talking about feelings. You know?

I know he needs help. I know he's been through an extremely traumatic situation. It scares me, so much. I just need to help him somehow. I don't know what to do. I will never leave him...

And don't worry. He apologizes for his temper, which is only him telling me to stop talking about it and to drop it because it's making him upset. But that's it. He doesn't insult me, put me down, it's not verbal abuse, and could never be physical abuse. And he'll wait as long as I want to have sex. I know it's kinda hard to believe based on all this, but he really is a great guy who isn't abusive in the least...

Um... What do you mean by step back? Trust me, I'm taking your advice to heart and I really believe what you're saying, it's just, I could never leave him. I don't feel trapped, but I love him, and I wouldn't do that. I don't want to do that. If by stepping back, you mean not talking about it with him for a bit, than definitely, yeah, I'm going to drop it till May 5th and see how things are...

Thank you, by the way, for your response!! This community really is great. You guys are all very smart and helpful.

Something that took me years...more than a decade to really understand...is that you can ONLY help someone who WANTS your help. You don't have to leave him to "step back", but you can mentally separate yourself from his issues, and remain available to him when he is ready to deal with it. You have to take care of yourself before you can be of help to anyone, especially a significant other.

He has many issues to work through, and you have your own as well. The teenage years are rough! You seem extremely bright and mature for your age and I'm sure you will make a terrific teacher because you care so deeply. We need more of you in the world! I thinking waiting until May is a good idea, just try not to dwell on it during the waiting period. Hopefully he will come to a place where he accepts that he is human and does need help, but I wouldn't count on him doing that in less than a month. :-) You are a wonderful girlfriend, and I'm sure he's grateful to have your support. Continue to be his friend, and remind him that you are available if he needs to talk...and then drop it. Unfortunately, you can't force him to get help, but please don't be afraid to call someone if the situation gets worse (he becomes suicidal or reclusive to a point that you are concerned).

I don't want this to come off condescending or anything, but when I was your age I started having serious relationships and many of them were with guys who had complicated emotional issues. It was exciting and mysterious to be with someone like that, and I felt like I could help them work through their issues and it was gratifying. The only word of caution I have is from personal experience, so take it with a grain of salt if you feel like it doesn't apply to you. I was TOO YOUNG to be in a serious relationship. I became too involved in the problems of my significant others and it distracted me from my goals. You have your whole life to find "the one", and maybe you have, but allow yourself time and space for YOU. Focus on your career goals, your spiritual well being, and your hobbies. I'm not saying break up with him or don't ever date, but give yourself time. I wasted so much of my youth on relationships that I suddenly realized one day that my teen years and half of my 20's were gone, and I had not done anything for ME. I was too focused on my romantic partners to think about myself or have any fun in my youth.

Again, that may not apply to you so please don't take it the wrong way, but please keep it in mind. It was a hard lesson for me, and I am full of regrets. I just hope you don't make the same mistakes. It's so admirable of you to care so deeply for your boyfriend, and don't ever let go of that care! Just make sure you save some care for yourself, too.

I hope everything works out for both of you. California is beautiful, btw, and my boyfriend and I plan to move our little family there within the next year. It's expensive, though, so start saving! LOL!

I don't think I could give any better advice than LazyLogophile...

What I meant by step back is basically what LL said - take time for yourself and don't spend all of your time worrying about him...you don't have to break up with him but you can't fix him and you can't help him if he doesn't want help.

Good luck!