[lone_twin4]

I have made several new topics all over the place in the last few days so sorry about that. I think I am just in a 'down' slump but I find it hard to express myself in a way that makes my friends notice I need support, so I come here!! I'm always like 'I know this is stupid but... I don't really mind but...'

I keep noticing the same patterns emerging in my relationships. I am so afraid to give much of myself away in case no one wants it, then when I realise that actually they do want it I feel like I've ruined things by being too distant. Then I overcompensate and become this really annoying, clingy girlfriend and I annoy myself and I worry I'm annoying others so I go back to my old distance... and it carries on until really neither of us can keep it up any more.

I'm way out of my comfort zone right now because I'm actually engaging in a sexual relationship for the first time... sex was a huge issue in my first relationship and one major contribution to our breakup was the fact that my nervousness about sex made my partner feel undesirable. Since then I've just had a string of unsuccessful times as I push people away once they start wanting to get intimate.

But the guy I'm with now was really understanding and patient and stuff. We now have good sex but it is a massive palava before I get started, I nearly always end up crying at something... anything... and it's ridiculous! Again he is always very patient but I can't help feeling like I am testing his patience. Then I hold back from really pushing myself out there because I figure he'll probably leave me anyway so what's the point? He probably had these expectations of me that I'm totally not living up to. I'm happy when I'm with him but the rest of the time I'm all sad and worried about all the stuff I'm doing wrong.

He has done nothing to make me feel inadequate or anything, but this is how I start ruining every relationship. I don't want to ruin this one because we get along well, we've known each other a long time and I could really see us getting married or something. I talk about how I feel with him but don't really feel like I get the validation I crave... but then that should also come from inside me. He says I shouldn't be so hard on myself and stuff but surely he'll get sick of hearing the same thing over and over again!

This is basically just me ranting because he didn't reply to a text I sent. Which is silly because he is notoriously bad at replying to texts and, anyway, it's just a text! But I guess this is a time when I would really like to hear something nice from him and he's just unreachable.

Oh well.

[Leed]

Did he not answer your text because you text him TOO often?? Just wondering. Perhaps you could cut down on how often you text him. He might not like texting that much.

He sounds like a great guy ~ if he's patient & understanding, it sounds like you've got a good one. Do you have any reason to think he'll leave you besides your own fears? He hasn't given you any clues that he's going to, has he?

Do you have a therapist? If not, you really should be talking to one. Your self-esteem has taken a beating for some reason, and you don't think you're worthy of happiness. That shouldn't be the case ~ you need a therapist to help you understand that you ARE worthy of happiness and joy. You need to find out why you keep withdrawing from good relationships ~ shooting yourself in the foot before things get too close!!

Please see about getting a good therapist. You won't regret it, and your relationship will flourish once you find out that you're a GOOD person who deserves all the good things in life. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee