[Eliza143]

I am currently dating and living with my highschool sweetheart from 10 years ago. We have been together since October of 2010 and have been living together since January 2011. He has two children with two different women. The oldest is 5 and with a mother that was an "oops" situation. The mother really has nothing to do with this child and I have been more of a mother to him in the past 6 months than he's had his entire life. The youngest is a 2 year old girl and he was married to her mother. Not divorced yet, but working on it. My boyfriend is a chef and works in the evenings, so by the time I get home from my 9 to 5 job he is at work and I am taking care of his oldest child everyday. We only get the little girl once maybe twice a week.
I really love this man, and am fully aware of the fact that I have to accept his children if I want to be with him. I have to admit that I have handled it like a champ especially with not having children of my own. This is the first live in boyfriend, and my world has changed dramitcally. Especially going from being alone everyday, to having a little person by my side 24/7.
I find that I have more melancholy days than happy days. I feel like I should feel blessed and happy that I finally have a family...but I cannot accept the fact that I have to take care of someone elses children everyday. I can't look at this little guy as my own and just get used to the routine of things. I do have a bond with him, however, I don't feel that it is as strong as is should be. I feel like its a task not a privilege to take care of a child. I hate this feeling and wish there was a way that I could just accept these children. I have tried, and prayed, but I just can't do it. I really don't want to end things with my boyfriend because I do care about him so much. I cant help but feel like we can't grow as a couple because we have conflicting work schedules and always a child. (Thats not mine) I take prozac, but I don't feel like a pill alone will help this feeling. I need to fix myself, but I don't know how.
Thank you.

[Leed]

I hate to say it, but i don't think this relationship is going to work. First, there's your work schedules -- that's not good for communication. But even more important is your feelings for the little guy. It's not your fault ~ he's not yours ~ but if there isn't that special feeling for him, and it seems more like a chore to watch him, then it's only going to turn into a resentment of having to watch him, and all hell will break loose. Sooner or later, you will push your boyfriend into having a babysitter watch him, and that will just make things worse. I'm not saying you're BAD for this -- I'm just stating facts. You can't help the way you feel.

There isn't any way to "fix" this. At least I don't see any way. Unless your feelings change for this little guy, things are going to stay the same. And with the two of you on different shifts, you're only going to see each other on weekends ~ ~ bad for a relationship.

This doesn't seem to be going anywhere. You might have to make a difficult choice, i.e. moving out. I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[littlebitlost]

I quite agree with Leed.

If you don't feel a special connection with the kids, it is NOT going to work.

I am on the other side of this. I have a 7 year old, and am remarried. My hubby thinks my little girl is the best thing since sliced bread. They play together and he adores her. Albeit I am the primary carer for our family.

You however have jumped into a situation where you are the mother to his pretty much motherless child, and stepmum to his little girl. He obviously cares for his kids, and you can never come between that. Or if you did, he would be a man nobody wanted.

Unless you can care about his kids, and take them on as your own for when you have them, your relationship is doomed.

Good luck! x

[Omers]

I'm with Leed too. It just doesn't look like it is going to work. A first live in relationship is a huge transition, having kids is a huge transition especially if they are step kids. Sorry but it sounds like those are too much for this relationship to overcome. I went from living alone as a professional with limited responsibilities to the single mother of a child with profound special needs... bonding wasn't an issue... but there weren't as many other variables.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the rest. Blood is thicker than water, as they say, and a person's children come first. If ever he has to choose between them and you, guess who goes?

[disguise123]

im not going to agree with whats been said by the others.
Maybe you can develop stronger bonds with the children but its gonna take some work, some change and some fun bonding.
I take it finances may also be difficult???
Sorry if im way off track but maybe you should contact a family support service in your area, blended families can be tough, especially when there is other issues at play, and you have your own mental health to worry about.
How old are you?? You need to make a decision thats for sure because the children need stability. I also think your partner needs too take more responsibility.

[HatefulCreatures]

Love should rise above all. Be honest and open with your mate and if you both want to work on things than..if it was meant to be...and you guys are in true love...then you will find a way.
Thats quite a struggle and I wish you the best.

Originally Posted by Eliza143

I am currently dating and living with my highschool sweetheart from 10 years ago. We have been together since October of 2010 and have been living together since January 2011. He has two children with two different women. The oldest is 5 and with a mother that was an "oops" situation. The mother really has nothing to do with this child and I have been more of a mother to him in the past 6 months than he's had his entire life. The youngest is a 2 year old girl and he was married to her mother. Not divorced yet, but working on it. My boyfriend is a chef and works in the evenings, so by the time I get home from my 9 to 5 job he is at work and I am taking care of his oldest child everyday. We only get the little girl once maybe twice a week.
I really love this man, and am fully aware of the fact that I have to accept his children if I want to be with him. I have to admit that I have handled it like a champ especially with not having children of my own. This is the first live in boyfriend, and my world has changed dramitcally. Especially going from being alone everyday, to having a little person by my side 24/7.
I find that I have more melancholy days than happy days. I feel like I should feel blessed and happy that I finally have a family...but I cannot accept the fact that I have to take care of someone elses children everyday. I can't look at this little guy as my own and just get used to the routine of things. I do have a bond with him, however, I don't feel that it is as strong as is should be. I feel like its a task not a privilege to take care of a child. I hate this feeling and wish there was a way that I could just accept these children. I have tried, and prayed, but I just can't do it. I really don't want to end things with my boyfriend because I do care about him so much. I cant help but feel like we can't grow as a couple because we have conflicting work schedules and always a child. (Thats not mine) I take prozac, but I don't feel like a pill alone will help this feeling. I need to fix myself, but I don't know how.
Thank you.

Hi
I think you have a lot going on here.
you started dating less than a year ago and moved in together pretty quickly after that. those things in themselves need a pretty big adjustment period. Even if you have known each other a long time, your dating relationship is new, and living with anyone takes adjustment.

Then, you have conflicting work schedules. Chef's jobs are DEMANDING - crazy hours - and your hours are opposite. I hope you have days off together to make up for that - otherwise, when do you get to spend time together?

And finally, the kids.... Dating someone with children is really difficult when you've never had your own. You are no longer put first in the relationship. Kids always come first. And you either take it, or you leave it. they are non-negotiable with a man who is a good father. And now you have some big responsibilities with watching his older one...
You are watching this child and it's not his fault he's there....

I dated a guy with kids....and I am a self proclaimed "not a kid person"...and it was awkward at first...but I think it was my fear of doing something wrong....and it was hard for the kids too...they need to adjust as well...I grew to love those little ones a LOT....and when it came time for the relationship to end, i was a lot more sad about not seeing those kids again than not seeing their dad

I think you should give yourself some time to get used to your situation - you kind of threw yourselves together quickly and stirred in the kids....you need much more time to adjust...I agree with rapidcycla that maybe you can have some bonding stuff with the kids and get to know and love them, if you want this to work out.