Mother Problems

I just had ANOTHER spat with my mother. (Background: my mother is 72, and lives with my dad, 73 and my sister, 39. I am 49 and live close by and we spend time together a few times a month, usually on a Saturday.)

Sometimes when I go to visit, my mother will be in some kind of mood where she doesn't smile, is sullen, gives short answers and is basically unpleasant to be around. I was trying to talk about something and she said "don't worry about it". Now, I HATE that expression anyway and I so said "I'm NOT worried about it" and she replied "You must be worried about it because you mentioned it last week as well" and I said "Well, I'm not worried about it, I'm just trying to make conversation".

My mother is very self-absorbed and will talk for two solid hours about her own things and whenever I say anything she gives me a very disinterested "oh yeah" but she doesn't really listen. The only time she does pay attention to me is when she is criticizing me or offering unsolicited advice.

My father takes her side and my sister is of the view that yes, she is moody but since they live with her, they really don't notice her mood swings.

None of this is ever going to change...it's been going on from day 1. When we were children, whether we were punished (eg. screamed at by her and smacked in the face and head repeatedly) depended upon her mood. Whenever I have tried to talk to her about my observations re: her mood and its affect on our relationship, she has said things to me like "my brain is twisted" or "you have an inferiority complex" or "I don't know what you want from me".

To me, the moods, the self-absorbedness, the lack of interest all indicate a lack of respect for me and this makes me angry. The only solution I have is taking a break from my mother but then that means I don't see my dad or my sister either.

Having "words" with my mother always makes me quite depressed and discouraged, AND it seems to bring out memories of all the bad experiences I have had with my mother going right back to childhood. I have social anxiety and these 3 people are the only people I feel totally comfortable with. I get no help from my dad and sister because since they live with her, they have to remain neutral and not get involved.

The older I get, the more I realize I need to get out there and find other people I can feel comfortable with and not depend on my family so much for a social life.

I guess I don't have a question...I just needed to vent. But if anyone would like to comment, that would be great, thank you. Just please don't suggest that I change...the change needs to come from my mom, which it never will.

I don't think your mothers reactions indicate a lack of respect for you. They indicate either depression or some other form of mental illness. She definitely needs to be seen by a therapist and evaluated. But I know at this point, she's probably not going to be open to this. But please do not take this personally -- she doesn't disrespect you ~ she has a mental illness.

Anyone who is consistently morose, unkind, moody has something wrong. And obviously your Father and sister are either afraid of contradicting her or just don't want to start anything, so they agree with her. It's not right, but they've undoubtedly been the brunt of her anger for a long time.

Since these visits make you so uncomfortable and miserable, don't go often. Spread your wings and make new friends. Don't be so dependent on them for your social outlet. There are plenty of ways to make friends -- malls, librarys, coffee shops, singles clubs, etc. Have some fun! And God bless! Hugs, Lee

She sounds similar to my father - I spent so many years trying to please him, blaming myself, feeling un-noticed, useless, worhtless etc... Although I believe he has an illness, he has depleted any goodwill that I had inside and I am now beyond caring (he would threaten me so much with "I am going to be dead in a few years so be nice to me", that at the age of 5 believing this, I actually dug a grave for him) - I do believe that he has an illness but now feel that is for him and my mothers to sort out - I have figured there are some lovely people in this world that I would like to spend time with - he is not one of them and I owe him nothing.