[Evening]

So my cousin got beat up by her boyfriend yet again, and instead of calling the police to get them to check on her, my grandfather calls ME to tell me to keep my mouth shut if I see her. Apparently the only thing worth preventing is me getting pissed off and having something to say. And you know the really ironic thing is? Not one day ago I said to my grandfather 'he will hit her again very soon'. Hey he could have been doing it while I was saying that. Perhaps if anyone had listened to me when I said 6 months ago he would beat her up it could have been prevented altogether. But no apparently nobody wants to believe that, then they want to play dumb when it does happen. Perhaps Ill start drinking my issues away like the rest of family does.

[Flooded]

The issues will still be there when you're sober and unfortunately you can't help people who can't/won't help themselves.

Go and have a coke

[BugsyMalone]

Sorry your family aren't listening to you about your cousin's boyfriend, Evening - and I hope your cousin is ok

What is your cousin planning to do now?

[Evening]

She is planning to keep making excuses for him and stay where she is. As for the drinking comment, it was more out of sarcasm. Half my family are alcoholics, Ive never have and never will stoop to that. Ive never had a drink in my life. Im just sick of them being so damn pathetic. You have no idea how much I hate my family.

I can't evem imagine how difficult it is to watch your cousin go through that.

As someone who has been in her shoes, you may not be able to imagine the vicious cycle of domestic violence and the mental hold that an abuser has over the person he is abusing. Abusers are generally very manipulative and it's so hard to get out from under it...it takes a lot of strength and family support. I know it's hard and you probably did see it coming, as others did for me, but be there for your cousin and hopefully she will see the light soon.

Here is information that might help you understand why someone might stay in an abusive relationship:
http://www.thesafespace.org/stay-saf...-relationship/

There are many reasons why a person in an abusive situation will remain in the relationship. If you have a friend dealing with an abusive partner, you can better support them by understanding the various obstacles they may be dealing with when trying to leave or seek help.
Conflicting Emotions:

• Believing Abuse is Normal: If your friend doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, they may not recognize their relationship as abusive.
• Fear: They may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship. If your friend has been threatened in the past by their partner, or by their family and friends, they won’t feel safe leaving.
• Fear of Being “Outed”: If your friend is involved in a same-sex relationship and has not yet come out to their friends and family, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret. This may feel especially scary for teens who are just beginning to explore their sexuality.
• Embarrassment: It’s hard to admit that you’ve been abused. Your friend may feel that they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may worry that their friends and family will judge them.
• Low Self-Esteem: If your partner constantly puts you down and blames you for things, it can be easy to believe those things are true and that the abuse is your fault.
• Love: Your friend may still be hoping that the abuser will change (if a person you love tells you they’ll change, you’ll want that to be true). They often only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.

Pressure:

• Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is popular, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends about the abuse for fear that no one would believe them or that everyone would take the abuser’s side.
• Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for young women to admit to being sexually active, and for young men to admit to being abused. Also, your friend’s culture and/or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.
• Pregnancy/Parenting: Your friend may feel pressure to raise their child with both parents together, even if that means enduring the abuse. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the child if your friend leaves.

Distrust of Adults or Authority:

• “Puppy-love” Phenomena: Adults often don’t believe that teens experience true love. So if something goes wrong in the relationship, your friend may feel like they have no adults to turn to or that no one would take them seriously.
• Distrust of Police: Many teens do not feel that the police can or will help them, so they don’t report the abuse.
• Language Barriers/ Immigration Status: Someone may fear that reporting the abuse will affect the processing of their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of the abuse to others.

Reliance on Abusive Partner:

• Lack of money: Your friend may have become financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship.
• Nowhere to go: Even if they could leave, your friend may think that they have nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they’ve ended the relationship.
• Disability: If your friend is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This makes it seemingly impossible to leave.

Here is some info on how to help someone who is in an abusive relationship. Please try not to judge her - she has enough on her plate.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/93...-relationship/

I hope this helps you to understand - your cousin really needs you right now.

[Evening]

thanks for the info. As someone who has never been in a relationship because of witnessing these relationships all my life I do understand why she wont leave. I am the only female in my family who hasnt been in a dodgy relationship and thats just becaus I steer clear altogether. My anger is really at the fact my family will do NOTHING. I will see it coming a mile away, point it out, nobody listens, then I listen to the bull **** excuses they have. I do feel a little better now, I did after a while find the humour in fact people were seemingly more panicked about what I'D do once I found out. But I do feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears. A few months ago I was lying in bed thinkin to myself that very soon another cousin of mine is going to have someone knock on his door and beat the crap out of him, with the past hes had. Unbeknown to me, at that very moment I was thinking that, someone WAS actually knocking on his door with a baseball bat and beat the crap out of him. I was told if I ever had thoughts like that to speak up straight away. Well I did, and sure enough this happened. So when I do speak up Im told not to, when I dont speak up I am told I should have.

[Evening]

The other thing that really makes it hard to deal with is that I am becoming more and more prejudice of relationships. Now you could sit here and tell me they arent all bad, but as much Id like to believe that, I dont have much to base that on.

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by Evening

She is planning to keep making excuses for him and stay where she is. As for the drinking comment, it was more out of sarcasm. Half my family are alcoholics, Ive never have and never will stoop to that. Ive never had a drink in my life. Im just sick of them being so damn pathetic. You have no idea how much I hate my family.

Yeah, I got that bout' the drinking comment - I was being an arse

Sounds like you hate your family as much as I hate mine

Originally Posted by Evening

thanks for the info. As someone who has never been in a relationship because of witnessing these relationships all my life I do understand why she wont leave. I am the only female in my family who hasnt been in a dodgy relationship and thats just becaus I steer clear altogether. My anger is really at the fact my family will do NOTHING. I will see it coming a mile away, point it out, nobody listens, then I listen to the bull **** excuses they have. I do feel a little better now, I did after a while find the humour in fact people were seemingly more panicked about what I'D do once I found out. But I do feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears. A few months ago I was lying in bed thinkin to myself that very soon another cousin of mine is going to have someone knock on his door and beat the crap out of him, with the past hes had. Unbeknown to me, at that very moment I was thinking that, someone WAS actually knocking on his door with a baseball bat and beat the crap out of him.
So another cousin beat the crap out of the abusive boyfriend?
That's awesome.
I was told if I ever had thoughts like that to speak up straight away. Well I did, and sure enough this happened. So when I do speak up Im told not to, when I dont speak up I am told I should have.

Originally Posted by Evening

The other thing that really makes it hard to deal with is that I am becoming more and more prejudice of relationships. Now you could sit here and tell me they arent all bad, but as much Id like to believe that, I dont have much to base that on.

This is sad, and I could tell you from now till forever that relationships aren't all bad, but you have to experience one to know it for yourself. I don't blame you at all for being prejudice or angy - my screenname on here is JADEDmoonbeam for a reason.

I think you're better off to go into a relationship knowing all this stuff than to go in all innocent and thinking everyone is just going to be nice to you like I did when I was younger...all I can say is don't close yourself off to not being into a relationship ever, but you have every right to be as selective as possible in who you choose to be in one with.

[Evening]

Oh it wasnt someone beating my cousins abusive boyfriend, sorry if Im not very clear on things Im on my phone and its not easy to type whole threads with my thumb. :P Anyway, that was something completely different, a different cousin of mine who used to be involved in a lot of crime, including selling my mother drugs when he was 15, had someone knock on his door with a baseball bat in the middle of the night at the end of last year and bashed him. While that was happening I was lying in bed thinking to myself some time soon someone is going to do something to him, ie bash him. The next day my grandmother told me what happened, and both were a little freaked out by the fact Id sort of been thinking he would get bashed at the very moment he was actually getting bashed. The reason I brought it up now is because when my grandmother told my auntie this, my auntie said that if I ever have those thoughts again to say something. Well I did that, I had been saying for months my cousin was going to end up bashed by her boyfriend, but nobody listened. Then the other day I said to my grandfather she was going to get punched again, and soon. Then the next day my grandfather calls me to inform me that sure enough, she had recently been hit again. It makes me so mad and confused that Im told to speak up, then when I do Im told to shut up? What am I supposed to do? I know deep inside that yet another of my cousins in going to get in trouble with the police soon. I have said that to my mother and grandmother. Of course nothing is ever done. My family just make excuses.