[student3]

I am a new member on this board. Haven't been really able to talk to anyone about the frustrations and consistantly stresses out about bills! One thing thing about our marriage that I should have taken as a red flag when we went on our honeymoon is that we ran out of money due to a billpayer taking out money that was owed, leaving us with nothing to finish out our honeymoon. Therefore we had to leave early. I was so upset and he has never to this day made that up to me. Shortly after that I was in charge of the bills and he decided that I wasn't doing the greatest of job. I pay what bills I can and what could be afforded and what could be paid in full I paid. Its called a budget and using what you have budgeted after you take care of your vital needs! Well he talked me into having him take over the bills and the account that was set up as joint account. Since then, I have been out of work alot due the economy and he has been working and making enough to support us along with what I get for unemployment. But he continuously overspends, paying the bills and takes out money to get food or stuff we don't really need to spend money on. I feel like everything is out of control and I have no way out! I can't talk to him. When I ask about the account being in the hole and all that. I get "It will be fine"! Then he thinks if he sells something that he has spent alot of money on like he racing engine that it will sell right off the bat and everything will be fine! Not at all!

With me not working right now I am the one that has to be at home if something happens with the bills, I have to hear my phone ring and not know what billpayer it is. I don't know what to do. We have been together for 10 years and we have two precious kitties.

Lately, I have been thinking about leaving him. How I would do it and I have gone as far as finding an apartment that accepts cats (because I know he won't take care of them, I take care of the all the time). I am on unemployment right now. So money is tight. But I think if I take out my money out of our account and find a friend I could stay with for a month rent free I could get into the apartment before the end of the summer. But I would really like to wait til I find a job and then I can give him alittle and move out everything at once.

Just looking for advice and alittle support. I think he might be bipolar and I know I have anxiety problems and I have borderline depression. Anyone has suggestions or help they can suggest would be greatly appreciated!

[cutebagaddict08]

I think the thing you need to ask yourself is if you still love your husband and want to work through this issue of money? You also have to ask yourself if you are happy in the relationship if the money issue didn't exist? It sounds like your husband wants some kind of control, and the way he gets it is through controlling the way money is used in your marriage.
If you are truely unhappy, then you need to decide what is best for you.

[Direction]

At first I was thinking kiddos and not kitties...kitties definately make this less messy.

Are either of you being seen professionally for his possible bipolar or your depression? Is he aware of how this makes you feel. Although the comment, "...he has never to this day made that up to me." may suggest that you don't let him forget it. I was married to someone who was not really into the paying bills budget stuff. It was a definate strain to be "the responsible one"

I would agree that a good question to reflect on if you are happy in the relationship if the money issue didn't exist? If you would be...maybe good for him to attempt to sell that racing engine and give you a second honeymoon.

Good luck.

[bertieb]

You are not alone and I fully know the pain. I was married 24 years with money issues despite him being a lawyer part of that time. He finally landed a contract job in the Middle East that paid $160,000 and that is when HE wanted a divorce. Whole other story. I loved him but found out all that unhappiness and disappointment in him as a partner and provider turned into the divorce being a relief after all was said and done. What I thought was love was really just emotional security thinking I was being loved by him. Anyway, I understand your frustrations and you probably can't afford financial counseling or marriage counseling in your situation so that is stressful too. I think if you truly still have that romantic love bond with each other you should sit down together at the table and go through each bill with your money and checkbook. It's so easy if you have autowithdrawal or do it online not to keep track of the balances and what is coming up. Go back to paper look at what will come out and be left. If you want to move out then do that, it might be the best way to see how you both feel. I spent years thinking and being told we would get out of debt, managing all the finances but taxes,only to always be surprised by another bill I didn't know about, or taxes that weren't filed despite me signing them. This was probably no help to you but you do have people who understand and have been there, and you deserve to live your life with or without him in financial peace; and you can make it happen so don't give up!

[lynn P.]

The first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you want to stay married? If you won 10 million dollars, would you want to stay married?? If the answer is no, then get out of your marriage. If you want to stay, the first thing you both need to do is get financial counseling and you need to be in control of the money so he can't spend it recklessly. You both need to write all spending down and keep track of all money and where it goes for 2 months...even a cup of coffee. If he's not willing to do this, then you should leave and take care of yourself. Money causes many problems in partnership. Only by what's absolutely necessary. I hope it works out for you.