[On the river]

I'm looking for resources to help me overcome my inability to deal with other people's anger. Even when it's not directed at me, just being in the presence of anger reduces me emotionally to a scared child. I'd like to figure out how to stop that reaction and deal with other people's anger in a more healthy adult way.

[StrongerMan]

You first have to find out where that reaction comes from. That requires counseling. ie. Did you suffer some trauma or abuse as a child. Such abuse triggers a fight or flight response as a means of self preservation and defense. Some children find safety by shutting themselves away in their room until their alcoholic father yells himself to sleep. Others learn that if they scream and yell back, the abusive parent will finally shut up. Either way, this learned behavior will illicit a similar response in us as adults. They never learned learned proper conflict resolution skills. For instance, a person may find it hard to deal with authority figures such as a boss at work who is domineering and argumentative. They may have difficulty keeping a job for very long because they cannot handle even the smallest reprimand or criticism. This evokes in them the same feelings they had when they were a child. There are ways to overcome this with the help of a qualified professional.

[shezbut]

((((On the river))))

I do the same thing. I don't act on the instinct that I have to get the heck out of there, I hold it inside. Wonderful repression !

StrongerMan had a very interesting point. I'd never figured out where that tendency of mine came from. But that totally makes sense. Figuring out when the tendency began, and working with a T, to get through it emotionally ought to help a person through it.

Best wishes to you!

[Perna]

The only way that worked for me was having someone be angry at me when I was "right". I had enough of my own anger back (because I don't like being thought a "liar"/wrong) that I was able to keep stating what I knew to be true and the boss who was angry at me was a good guy and finally heard me and checked the facts and found I was right and apologized profusely, etc. so I had a positive experience (I didn't die :-)

Knowing that the "purpose" of our anger is to let other people know when we feel "hurt"/mistreated and see if we cannot "right" that problem we are having, it's "energy" in a sense, makes me less anxious about other people's anger or expressing myself forcefully.

I guess we have seen enough expressions of anger that were violent, that's not a good way to express anger, to be afraid, especially when we're children and it's adults who are angry? So, the fear is left over from the unequal relationship of child to adult. Adults have the power so if they're angry at us when we're children, they're probably less likely to listen to what we have to say for our side.

Too, adults often don't know how to understand and express their own anger and will often displace it; getting angry at a child, say, instead of their spouse or boss or whoever is actually causing the problem which is making them anxious or angry. If your boss tells you you have to work overtime and you had something else planned, when you get home late and your spouse "innocently" asks, "When's dinner?" you go off on them because you feel you can't assert yourself with your boss and discuss the timing problem with him/her, where it should be discussed.

When other people are being angry, get "clinical" as if you are watching a play and see if you can see both sides of the situation, see if you can understand why the person is angry and what you would do/say in their position. See if you can think of how you would respond if you were the other person. Make it a "lesson" instead of taking it personally, and keep reminding yourself that you are an adult and love yourself and are ready, willing, and able to support yourself and stand up for what you believe.

[Silent_tsol]

I do the same thing and I have yet to find out why. Another topic for T...