[jrobert890]

So my girlfriend and I are going to finally live together after 7 years.

Background: I probably wouldn't be with her at this point, but we have a 3 year old son together and I love him dearly. I told her I didn't want children and if she did, she should probably find someone else. That obviously that didn't work.

We haven't lived together before because she lives in a two bedroom house that I could only describe as a hovel and only has room for her and my son. I also hate her house and wouldn't take it if someone tried to give it to me. I am very particular regarding my surroundings and I know living in her house would depress me. I also have a small house that would not be large enough for all of us. She has a lot of stuff.

So we went looking for houses in February and found a good deal. I've been working extremely hard on buying this very nice house for us since March and we will finally be closing on it this Monday. This house purchase has been very challenging and I've put my heart and soul into this purchase, working on my house to get it sold, and remodeling her kitchen myself right now so she can rent her house. I've only taken two days off from working on my house and hers since May 1st.

he house we are buying is the perfect real estate dream, 5 bedroom house, 19 yrs old, 1/2 acre professionally landscaped lot. It is the least expensive house in a great neighborhood with good schools for my son. It is a really good deal. It is not our dream house but since I'm handy I can make it really nice. Most women would kill to own this house just the way it is now.

We do the walk through today before the closing and she comes from upstairs with a face. I ask her what's wrong and she says "there is nothing about this house that I like, the bedroom isn't big enough and there is no room in the closet, etc". This is from a women that is living in a two bedroom house on a major road with truck traffic and has two closets in her house that are no wider than 4 foot, no lie. The master bedroom in the new house is maybe 20' x 14' and has a walk in U shaped closet that is 9' x 8'.

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. To maintain the pace that I am going at, I really need positive energy and she just totally demotivated me. She told me before that she didn't like the house but I told her we can fix it up our way and make it nice and she agreed. She knows we are committed now, so I'm not sure what she wanted to accomplish with her attitude and statements today.

She had to leave to go to a friend's for dinner. After thinking about it for a while I texted her and told her I thought what she did was mean spirited and insensitive and a nice person would not have done what she did.

I have not heard a word from her. I'm very concerned I'm dealing with a very selfish and maybe not such a nice person deep down. I'm sure I won't receive an apology. It is very sad that I am with someone so selfish.

How do I deal with this, I'm at a loss?

[StrongerMan]

Hi,

I would suggest you both work on improving your communication so you can be on the same page in this relationship. She obviously has issues she is not divulging. Not sure if this is your wife or gf. I read in your other post you have tried to get her to a psychiatrist. Some people are resistant to this due to the stigma surrounding it. Even admitting depression and going on antidepressants is difficult for some people who have been taught that it means they are "crazy". I would suggest couples counseling for the very reason I stated above. Try not to blame or use an accusatory tone when discussing things, ie. calling her selfish and all that. You have to indicate that you truly love her and want what is best for the both of you as a couple... assuming you do. If she wants that as well you can then move forward.

[Silent_tsol]

I second the suggestion of couple's counselling with the intention of building communication skills. If you both put your effort in, it probably wouldn't take many sessions.

Is it possible she got cold feet about the house?

[IceCreamKid]

I don't think your girlfriend was being selfish or insensitive. She was stating what she thought. I agree with the others who have commented; couples counseling will help the two of you better communicate and parent the son you have together.

[madisgram]

jumping in...when you communicate with her use the "I" word to express yourself. i feel ...etc. your efforts are great to say the least. i hope you all can make it a workable living arrangement. was she commited to this living arrangement?
are the bedrooms small? sounds like you're fix her up talented. perhaps in the future you can knock out a bedroom wall adjoining another one, put a larger closet in it. you will need to see if this is feasible with the construction of the house. thus larger bedroom, more closet space. i've done this/contractor and it really worked out well.
she does sound that she's looking for excuses re the house. are you comfortable discussing with her solutions such as the one i mentioned? ask her for a list of changes to the house that maybe you all can work on together.
you sound like a nice guy. you are not a human doormat.