These are lessons I have learned through either my own mistakes, or those of family members. Among us, I think we've done every wrong thing there is when it comes to choosing a marriage partner. Here is what I have learned.

1. Nobody deserves to be mistreated. Regardless of your own flaws, anybody can do better than a miserable, abusive, or invalidating relationship, so never settle for a loser because you think that's all you can get.

2. Never marry thinking you can improve/change the person. Marry the one you don't have to improve.

3. Personal experience aside, most people are in the healthy range. It's the dysfunction that is outside the norm. So don't tell yourself, "Well, that's just men/women for you; they are all like that." They aren't.

4. It is better to stay unmarried than to marry the wrong one. So don't marry just because you think it's your one chance not to be alone. (Corollary: It is never your "one chance." There are plenty to go around.)

5. Don't pine over the one who doesn't love you back. If the train doesn't stop at your station, it wasn't your train.

6. If you can't stand his/her family, don't marry him/her. It won't get better. They will make your life miserable.

7. And, for single parents (I'm thinking of my mother here) if your main reason for getting married is to "have a father/mother for my children," then for the love of the saints, don't just accept the next one that comes along who seems willing to take you and your children on; take your time and choose one who is good parenting material!

8. Don't overlook horrible dysfunctions just because that person "isn't all bad" and "has some good in him/her too." Of course they do. Everyone has good and bad in them. But if you have to dig deep to find the good, that's too much effort. There ARE non-negotiable issues that disqualify a person for marriage, no matter what their good traits. (I'd say being an escaped convict living under an assumed name is one of those things, although that's exactly what one member of my family did marry.)

[Leed]

Boy, you said a mouthful -- and I wholeheartedly agree!!! Can I add one more???

If your mate becomes emotionally/physically abusive, do NOT stay in the marriage "for the sake of the kids." Children will be MUCH happier with a cool, calm parent -- than they will in a household with nothing but fighting!! They don't need to hear it!!

Thanks for your thoughts. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[StrongerMan]

IMHO, it is really simple... invest in someone who is primarily and genuinely a "we" or "us" person... NOT an "I" or "me" person. We can take "escaped convicts" off the table to begin with. Nobody is a "loser" or a terrible person. They just behave that way as a defense mechanism to keep from feeling "less than". They were made to feel "less than" as a child and now they must control those feelings by any means possible... with toxic, controlling, abusive behavior. Think of your worst fear... maybe heights. No one could drag you to the edge of a tall building or even near a roller coaster. Well, you cannot drag these people to face their phobia which is just as, if not more scary to them. It is our responsibility to find a healthy partner who will treat us well. We only remain a victim if we choose to.

You're right, Lee.

You are too, Stronger. Which brings me to:

Even it's not his/her fault that a person turned out the way he/she did, that still doesn't mean you have to marry that person and live with it. Marry a healthy person, or one who has overcome the baggage and straightened up.