I wasn't sure if this should go in relationships or what so feel free to move.

My mom, who I love very much and for the most part has been an awesome mother, has what I like to call a "selective" memory.

She does not remember pretty much anything bad that has ever happened to me in my entire life (I'm 41).

This drives me absolutely nuts, because it makes me feel like some pretty traumatic experiences don't exist in her mind.

A quick example - today we were talking about college, and I had some horrible roommates that were very cruel to me, to the point that I'd called my parents in hysterics to come get me, as well as my best friend - they all came, my parents took us out to dinner, I stayed with a faculty member for a night, and ended up moving home for the semester and commuting an hour and a half each way to do my student teaching for 2 months, plus a regular college class...I am not a teacher now due to that horrible experience and all my mom remembers is coming up and taking my friend and I out to dinner.

She's always been one to act like things aren't there and just say " I don't remember" as if this will just negate the fact that they happened....it's hard when I am extremely sensitive and remember every detail of certain situations like this one and others that obviously meant a lot to me.

On the other end of the spectrum, after I've been hospitalized I'm usually pretty foggy, especially after the last time when I had ECT and I don't remember a lot of the day to day things that happened. These little things are the ones she remembers....that I didn't call her when I said I would...things that seem almost petty in comparison.

I've done a LOT of work in therapy on dealing with my mom ....I just got so frustrated talking to her today...I can't believe she wouldn't remember something like that - maybe I'm selfish for thinking her entire life revolved around me, but it's only myself and my sister.

I really just needed to get this out. Thank you all.

[wing]

My mom is exactly the same way. I have tried on many occasions to achieve closure with her, but she doesn't even "remember" the events I'm talking about. I've given up and just left the past in the past, realizing I cannot change her.

[embracinglife]

Sounds like you have a frustrating relationship with your mother because she forgets events that are important to you. I don't really know what to tell you...we all have frustrations with our parents, in different ways. I can't say that I've ever been really frustrated about something like this but my mom is different than yours.

Maybe there is a reason that your mom "forgets" those things. I think selective memory might be an ego defense....maybe those times that were painful to you were also painful to her so she avoids thinking about it. I'm just guessing, but what wingin'it said was good, that you can't really control her or what she remembers.

[Perna]

I think we all have different memory abilities (my stepmother didn't remember things about our life when I was younger either as she got older) and problems and, also, we all remember best things about ourselves. Something that is intense to us, the other person doesn't feel the intensity because it is not happening to them so literally is not "important" to them in the same way it is to us. What I am finding at 60 years old, too, I use to remember everything, as you seem to do now, but no longer do. The older you get the more there is to remember so one gets more selective in what one does remember, I think. A lot depends on one's focus; in therapy I was focused on myself and my past but once I resolved a lot of my issues in therapy, I didn't need to remember those memories in quite the detail or at all.

She has always been someone to sweep things under the rug. My sister says the same thing about my mom. I used to do that as well, but I got to a point in my life where I couldn't keep pretending.

I think you're right, embracinglife, she does it as kind of a defense mechanism....if she acts like nothing happened, then nothing happened, and if you lie to yourself long enough, you start to believe the lie.

[bebop]

I don't know how old your mom is but my daughter is 37 and says things to me I honestly don't remember either. I remember stuff that had a huge impact on my life over the years but as we age our memory fades.

Sometimes people "forget" things because of the pain. I am sure she remembers the things that happened to you, but does not want to relive the pain and talk about it. It might be hard on your mother to see get upset, so she just simply does not bring it up. She isnt being mean or ignorant, just trying not to bring back those negative feelings. If she doesnt bring it up, perhaps she feels that you will forget about it too. Maybe she feels upset that she couldnt keep you out of harms way and feels too gulity to talk about it, parents seem to go through that a lot. You can try talking to her as letting her know that discussing things in the past are helpful (if that is the case).. or maybe you can leave it alone knowing that she does care, she just doesnt want that memory to cause any more pain.

[mokie]

I too have a hard time of developing a good relationship with my mom. I take it personal cause I am adopted and have always felt that I was not loved or treated fairly. I am not the only one that sees that she treats me like this. I usually bring up the past and she don't remeber either but when it is convient for her to protect her son she has the best memory. Seems to me that she has a memory of convience to benefit what she thinks or needs. I just have to accept that she is who she is just like I am who I am. It's hard cause everyone needs their mom in their lives. So I am sorry for what you are going through.

[Purple Heart]

Maybe your mother is similar to mine - dismisses and ignores important things you bring up. People need to realise that mothers are not perfect and so it is justified to be critical of them especially when they decide to overlook events that were stressful for their children.

My mom told me the other day she just prefers to pretend a lot of things didn't exist - she said it makes things much easier for her. So she just "puts on a happy face" and moves through life like that because she'd rather not deal with things.
Meanwhile, she said to me the other day "Remember what the rabbi said about you..." which was at my first wedding in 1997..., meanwhile I've been divorced and remarried plus about a million other things - I don't remember one thing about that ceremony...but she does...crazy!

[Hazel Glitter]

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

My mom told me the other day she just prefers to pretend a lot of things didn't exist - she said it makes things much easier for her. So she just "puts on a happy face" and moves through life like that because she'd rather not deal with things.
Meanwhile, she said to me the other day "Remember what the rabbi said about you..." which was at my first wedding in 1997..., meanwhile I've been divorced and remarried plus about a million other things - I don't remember one thing about that ceremony...but she does...crazy!

My mom does the same thing. I can't get her to admit to anything. There was one time after my dad passed away, I was 16 I think, that she punched me in the face. For no reason or if there was one, I didn't understand it. When I was about 24 she was bragging to me about how she hit one of my brothers in the face. I said, "why would you be proud of that. That is the same thing you did to me." She actually said "but he deserved it". So she was all but admitting that I didn't deserve it. That was the closest I am sure I will ever come to her admitting she ever did anything wrong.

[StrongerMan]

My mom has been emotionally abused by my alcoholic father for nearly 60 years. She's 82, he's 85. She seems to have learned to cope by burying and avoiding all the pain. My sisters complain that she was never there for them emotionally and is not receptive to their feelings to this day.