OK, I really don't like that one.

Typical use of it: Mr. and Mrs. Spouse are looking for a car. They've seen several and are thinking it over. After comparing the features of each one, Spouse A turns to Spouse B and states, "Well, I'll leave it up to you." Wanting to take his/her partner's feelings into consideration, Spouse B asks, "Which one do you like best?" Spouse A shrugs. "I'll go along with whichever one you pick." Spouse B makes a choice, they buy, and it turns out to be a lemon. Spouse A now tells Spouse B, "I liked that other one better, but no, YOU wanted this one."

Observe: The "it's up to you" spouse does not offer his/her own opinion *at the time,* even when asked, but when problems come later, he/she is quick to point out that it is not the choice he/she would have made.

Something like that has just happened to me.

My daughter's apartment building changed ownership, and the rules have gone from "no pets allowed" to "you may have a cat." Our family's Alex, the tuxedo cat, has lived with both my daughter and me at different points. Five years ago when I wanted a kitten, my daughter picked Alex out for me. The man she was dating at the time owned his mother. Alex lived with me for a while, but when I could no longer keep him, my daughter took him and had him for two years. After that, things changed for my daughter, and she was staying with Mike and me while looking for her own place. Alex came with her. Then she couldn't find a place that would allow her to have him, so when she moved out, Alex remained with us. He's been here for almost three years, but yesterday on his 5th birthday, he went to live with my daughter again.

She and I both love him dearly. To Alex, we are known as "Mommy" and "other Mommy." I know how much she wanted him back, even though I miss him a lot.

When asked his opinion, Mike said, "It's up to the two of you." To be fair, he did voice a concern that "cats don't mind moving to different houses, as long as they're with the same people." But daughter and I both took that as a green light. We are members of one family, and Alex knows and loves both of us. Therefore, either in my house or in hers, he is still "with the same people." At least that's the way we understood it. Apparently it now comes to light that what Mike meant was, "We expect to be moving in a couple of months, so I realize Alex would be changing residences soon either way, but it would be better for Alex's mental health if he stays with your mother and me. Yours is a separate household."

Also, when Mike casually tossed, "go to a shelter and adopt a kitten," into the middle of the conversation (with a smile on his face, and a laugh in his voice) my daughter and I both took that as a suggestion, not an official vote, since during the same conversation he also stated, "It's none of my business," and he concluded his input with, "It's up to you."

Now Mike is angry and feels we ignored him.

"But we asked you how you felt about it."

"And I told you, go to a shelter and adopt a kitten, but you didn't listen."

He feels we did Alex wrong by uprooting him, and has made such statements as "I'm the only one thinking about how Alex feels," and "I can't believe what the two of you did," and "I'm disappointed in you."

Now I'm not only missing Alex, which makes me sad enough (Mike says "You should have thought of that," as if I hadn't) but I am also feeling the fact that my husband is disappointed in me, which hurts me too.

Update:

Daughter just called. It isn't working out with Alex. He is only happy when the children are asleep. When they are awake, he spends most of his time in my daughter's bedroom closet. So Alex will be coming home :clap: and Daughter will take Mike's advice to adopt a cat from the shelter. She'll take the children with her when she chooses one, to find a cat that is not afraid of children.

We were working out whether she should drive him back, and have to bring the children along, or we can go and pick him up. I don't drive, it would have to involve Mike if we went to pick him up, so I asked him whether he wanted to go there, or have Daughter bring Alex here.

He promptly replied, "It's up to you."

I didn't know whether to or , and I responded, "Please don't say that." Then I explained that I don't want to be left with the decision, and then chewed up for making the wrong one.

So, the Alex situation is wonderfully resolved, but does anyone have anything to say on the subject of "it's up to you"?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

Then I explained that I don't want to be left with the decision, and then chewed up for making the wrong one.

1. Hooray for Alex coming home!
2. There are no right or wrong decisions a lot of the time. Who is chewing whom? I mean, maybe Mike feels the same way? He said in the previous post, that he felt like you and daughter didn't listen to him about adopting a kitten.

In quality improvement, you have to give 5 positive suggestions to someone's idea, that is, 5 reasons why their idea WILL work, before you can say even one why their idea won't work.