[nina7738]

Hi All,

I needed some feedback regarding a depressed man I was dating recently. Basically, we knew each other for years and had been seeing each other for about 3 months. He is 34, I am 30. He was regularly reaching out and making plans with me. Everything was going great and he invited me to his birthday party. We spent the night out with his friends and family. He had been drinking for most of the night. We got back to his place with his brother and he started to act in a way that I never saw before - talking fast and all over the place, repeating himself, changing movies like 3 times in one hour, couldn't really keep still. I thought maybe he was just drunk and hyper, but then his behavior took a drastic turn.

We decided to go to bed and he suddenly became really sad talking about his family, etc. Then he said he had something he wanted to tell me - that he struggled with depression since he was young, took medication, and sees a psychiatrist. I was totally shocked - this is a guy who has always been very outgoing, social, has a job that he regularly must go out with clients, etc. He was practically in tears telling me how he has never told anyone about this - he pretends in front of all his friends and none of the women he ever dated knew. The only people who know are his family. He said he does not want to be seen as "weak" to me or anyone else. I did my best to listen and be supportive. We talked about it for awhile and then fell asleep. When I left the next morning, all was normal. We didn't discuss it any further. Within a week of this, he stopped reaching out to me - no texts, no making plans - completely stopped contact. If I text him, he will reply almost immediately, but does not reach out first or ask me to hang out anymore. i have not seen him since the birthday, nearly four months ago. I did not want to put pressure on him and ask him to meet up, I tried once to make plans and he ended up backing out at the last minute. I have now decided to leave the ball in his court and stop reaching out.

Needless to say, I'm totally confused - the night of his birthday, he told my best friend that he was head over heels for me, would do anything for me...was calling me his "girl" all night to all his friends and now he has seemingly fallen off the face of the earth.

My question, is why do you think he would do this - embarrassment? Fear of getting close? i just don't get it and am so disappointed. The night he told me about depression, he said how much he likes me, thinks about me all the time, etc - so I can't really imagine he's just suddenly lost all interest in me.

I tried to confront him about why he disappeared - and asked if all was ok since the birthday, that he seemed distant and his response was, "Nothing is wrong". I said, should I stop reaching out? I don't want to bother you, and he replied, "Why would you ever say that to me?" Like, he couldn't believe I was confused!
That was nearly a month ago and still nothing from him. I know how hard it was for him to tell me about his depression. I don't know why he would tell me, then disappear. I wanted to be there for him, as we were really just starting to get close (or so it seemed).

Any feedback you can give me regarding why he would do this and what I should do next would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Rose76]

You mention that "He had been drinking for most of the night." It's not unusual for a person under the influence of alcohol to do something, or say something, which the person later regrets. He may feel he wishes he did not expose to you as much about his personal issues as he did. It's possible, I think, that he may not even know on a conscious level why he is suddenly reluctant to get together with you. You describe him as someone who keeps tight boundaries around his personal issues. It sounds like alcohol loosened those up and, now, he may not like that you know. He changed the image that you had of him so drastically that, as you say, you were "totally shocked."

Leaving the ball in his court sounds like a way of respecting his space. That doesn't mean that it would be wrong for you to call him once in a while - not too often - and say you were thinking of him and asking him how life is going and share a few details of your current life. If he seems to not want to stay on the phone with you, then it would probably be best to back off.

His reason for withdrawing from you could be this and it could be that. Trying to speculate on what goes on in another person's mind is probably futile and pointless. Even if he wanted to explain it to you, he might not fully understand, himself, though he did explicitly say he did not want to be perceived as "weak" by anyone, including you.

For him to get so emotional telling you about his depression indicates, I think, that he is not in a state of equilibrium. He has not achieved effective management of his mood disorder. That, in itself, is depressing. He might be in the midst of an exacerbation of his recurrent depression. Was he "drinking for most of the night" because it was his birthday, or has he got a substance use problem. Maybe he is in some despair about becoming well and doesn't want to be a burden to you.

[Korin]

No matter what way you look at it this is going to be a difficult relationship. The question you should be asking yourself is, “Am I strong enough?”

There are many posts about how those with illnesses withdraw and isolate. Often, these people refuse to seek treatment. You may be getting a preview of what it might be like if you intend to pursue a relationship with this person.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Korin

No matter what way you look at it this is going to be a difficult relationship. The question you should be asking yourself is, “Am I strong enough?”

I don't think you want to be in this relationship at all. He could be gay and just wanted a female date for the family party, is how it looks from the little you described. But I could be jumping to conclusions.