Repulsed By My Ex

A year ago, I ended a 6 year relationship. Despite having a year to "cool off," I still have invasive thoughts about how repulsed and disgusted I am by my ex. Because we still have friends in common, her name still comes up in conversation and I see pictures of her pop up on others' facebook pages. When this happens, I am overcome by an intense feeling of revulsion, I feel nauseous, and it's like my skin starts to crawl. It's like I can literally feel her touching me and I can't make it stop.

Towards the end of our relationship, I felt absolutely suffocated by her (emotionally and physically). As a result, I asked her to stop touching me, but she did not respect this demand. She continued to try to hold my hand, put her arm around me, hug me, and initiate sexual activity. It was absolutely horrible. I felt violated and I felt unable to control what happened to my own body. While I should have immediately ended the relationship when she refused to stop touching me, I didn't. Instead, I just reiterated that I didn't want to be touched while we figured out whether we could repair the relationship. I was so far "in" at that point-- I had given up so much and invested so much in the relationship-- that it was hard for me to accept that it was the WRONG relationship. It felt like if the relationship ended, that meant I "failed" and that everything I had put into it was for nothing. I wanted it to work eventhough I was "grossed out" by my partner. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that's how I felt at the time.

So, after I told her to stop touching me but before I broke up with her, there was a period of a couple months where every time she touched me it felt violating and disgusting and gross. I had known for a long time that I was no longer attracted to her, but I refused to admit it even to myself. I knew it somewhere inside, but when people asked me about it, I lied. I said that I still found her attractive even when I didn't. I don't know why I did that. I should have just said NO but I felt like it wasn't "okay" to admit that I no longer found my partner attractive.

Looking back, I realize that during the last 2 YEARS of our relationsip I was utterly grossed out whenever we were intimate or affectionate. I was trying so hard to get back to "liking it" or desiring her, but I just couldn't. Physically, she just wasn't my type anymore (she gained a lot of weight and went from looking "girlie" to looking more "butch") and emotionally, she was manuipulative, controlling, suffocating, and abusive. Now, I can't understand why I put up with it. I can't understand why I stayed long after the point that I became "grossed out" by her. I've always been a strong and independent person, but during that period of my life, I wasn't-- I don't know why. Now, I feel like (1) she traumatized me by touching me when I said "no" and (2) I traumatized myself by staying with her and letting this happen to me. I'm mad at her, I'm mad at myself, and I can't get rid of this bodily sensation of being violated. It still feels like she's touching me and I can't make it stop. I don't know what to do. I've told all of this to my T and, while she listens, she hasn't helped me understand my behavior in that relationship any better, nor has she made any suggestions about what I can DO about these persistent feelings of being grossed out.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Thank-you!

Hi ~ It almost seems like the reason you feel like that is because you're punishing yourself for staying in the relationship for as long as you did. It's like if you aren't miserable, then you're not "paying" for what happened!! You've got to let it go.

It doesn't really matter WHY you stayed as long as you did, because it's over now -- you realize that you should have left much sooner, but you didn't -- that's over & done with. Perhaps you were in a depressed state of mind, and just couldn't end things at that time -- you didn't feel strong enough. So what? You've learned from it, and now you're stronger. I doubt that you'll let that happen again! But stop punishing yourself -- she's GONE -- she doesn't have any power over you anymore UNLESS you give it to her. Don't give away your power. Don't let her take up so much space in your head. She just isn't worth it.

Just think of it as a learning experience -- and "forgive" yourself, if that's what you feel you need to do. But this is YOUR life -- not hers, so don't let her take over! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee