[autumn-spirit]

What I've noticed from talking to people online and from my experience with a certain person who I thought was my best friend but in reality was lying to me for years is that people seem so caring and unique when they're trying to impress you and then once they've caught you, it doesn't take long for them to discard you like an uninteresting piece of clothing. And well, even though I've been bullied and made fun of countless times, I'm still pathetic enough to hope every time I start talking to new people, that I'll find someone truly genuine among them. Is that the way world works? Everyone is superficial and gets a kick out of mocking me? But the dangerous part is when I start to hope that someone will reply to a message or answer their phone..that's when I should pull away before it gets worse..before hoping becomes this uncontrollable longing.

[BugsyMalone]

I'm sorry you've been hurt by people you thought were your friends, autumn-spirit Don't blame yourself, there are (I hope) genuine people out there and it's worth looking for them, even if you get hurt along the way.

[blackrainbow]

im sorry for whats happened to you and someone you
saw as not only your friend but your best friend we can
kinda understand what youre goign through as weve had
similar things happen to us its sad makes you feel really
alone but there are real good people out there who wouldnt
hurt you that way weve been lucky and found a few
dont give up on people and youre not pathetic i know how
it feels to long for a friend lots of us here do hugs if thats ok
tc ok
dinah friends call me just D

Originally Posted by autumn-spirit

What I've noticed from talking to people online and from my experience with a certain person who I thought was my best friend but in reality was lying to me for years is that people seem so caring and unique when they're trying to impress you and then once they've caught you, it doesn't take long for them to discard you like an uninteresting piece of clothing. And well, even though I've been bullied and made fun of countless times, I'm still pathetic enough to hope every time I start talking to new people, that I'll find someone truly genuine among them. Is that the way world works? Everyone is superficial and gets a kick out of mocking me? But the dangerous part is when I start to hope that someone will reply to a message or answer their phone..that's when I should pull away before it gets worse..before hoping becomes this uncontrollable longing.

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by anna6

im sorry for whats happened to you and someone you
saw as not only your friend but your best friend we can
kinda understand what youre goign through as weve had
similar things happen to us its sad makes you feel really
alone but there are real good people out there who wouldnt
hurt you that way weve been lucky and found a few
dont give up on people and youre not pathetic i know how
it feels to long for a friend lots of us here do hugs if thats ok
tc ok
dinah friends call me just D

that's sweet of you

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by BugsyMalone

I'm sorry you've been hurt by people you thought were your friends, autumn-spirit Don't blame yourself, there are (I hope) genuine people out there and it's worth looking for them, even if you get hurt along the way.

yeah it just feels like people are all about themselves..thanks for taking the time to leave a nice message, though

[Josh Kade]

I don't think you've been talking to the right people.

[autumn-spirit]

yeah, well there's no way of knowing who are the right people. People are deceiving like that..

[PrincessSpirit]

Originally Posted by autumn-spirit

yeah, well there's no way of knowing who are the right people. People are deceiving like that..

Hi Autumn-Spirit: 2 friends & I talk alot about counterfeit / fake friends. Our talks help us become aware of how to know or tell Fake-Peeps from Real-Peeps. I wanted to share some of what I've learned & what helps me.

There ARE definite ways you CAN know or at least better evaluate trustworthy people from untrustworthy peeps, i.e., who may be Fake or Counterfeit peeps & to what degree versus Genuine peeps who are not superficial, selfish or relationally abusive with you at all.

I take time to honestly observe people & their behaviors - despite what their words or smiles may seem to communicate otherwise. Their behaviors tell you a LOT of information if you learn how to read people WELL. "Learning to observe people objectively" is a life-skill that helps you read yourself well too - so its a double-bonus & valuable skill to sharpen.

FBI Profilers are experts in reading peoples behaviors, reading crime scenes & the results/clues someones behavior leaves behind. An actual person (the criminal) is not right there in front of them to read (at least not until they catch them) but they still form a pretty accurate profile of not only the criminal but also of a victim, their family, possible motives, etc. So, if they can do that accurately without the actual person being there, I have more info to work with dealing with an actual person or relationship.

Try to observe "just the facts": info you know, can logically deduce, what you can "see" or observe factually, solid facts - not just your feelings or biased views about a person or any false assumptions you might make due to your emotions. I stay away from or "edit" my emotions away from my observations just like a good detective does when they investigate a crime scene, mystery, etc. Good Detectives / Agents are not overly emotional, else they cant do their job, right? Same for me. I DO pay attention to my hunches or "instincts" & note them, but I do not assume-they-are-true until further info/facts I observe might validate them.

I also observe myself & others best when I am less emotional AND centered or balanced relationally w/my Higher Power. I deliberately give up demanding and overly-depending on people to meet my needs or expectations which means my relationship w/my Higher Power IS the Center of my Balance. THAT relationship is always there for me & is a constant source of strength for me. I depend on Him, not people, so when people disappoint me or I discover they are fake, abusers, etc. I still have one, safe, secure & warm relationship that helps me stay centered & focused despite whatever happens with people & relationships around me.

I turn to my spiritual relationship especially when I'm disappointed, hurt or over-emotional & need to talk about boundaries to set in friendships, etc. Spir. relationship helps me not panic when people betray me since I still have a safe relationship to rely upon. I feel lonely but not crushed, I can still get thru it even though it hurts because my Spir. Relationship comforts & helps guide me to be more discerning w/the next friend I make.

Basically, Reality is: people will be selfish or betray you more than you want. Some do it deliberately, some do it undeliberately but it still hurts, either way. I help myself be prepared for it without being negative or scared of people but by being proactive & reality-based while ALSO trusting & developing & depending upon my Spir. relationship, kinda like how young children depend upon good parents even if friends at school hurt them. Even if you never had good parents, your Spir. Rel. is there for you, always loves you & is a Great Parent to you, so you can feel better and move forward.

It feels lonely when people disappoint or trick you, of course; that happens to everyone, me too. Then again, selfish people aren't exactly the best types to have relationships with - thats what I've learned. They arent very healthy peeps so u will likely not get healthy relationship from them, right?

I evaluate friends as-I-go so I develop a "moving picture" of their emotional, mental or spiritual health - or level of unhealth - as we become friends. This way empowers you to set boundaries w/people as-you-go rather than set all at the beginning & see if they measure up, or wait on pins n needles til they fail to meet ur expectations.

Try not to give up hope that there are mature & genuinely committed caring people out there, especially here on these forums. I joined this evening after reading ur post & wanted to share what helps me.

Genuine peeps seem harder to find than "undesirable" ones, like finding a rare 4-leaf clover amidst acres of 3-leaf clovers, weeds, scrub-brush, thorns, etc. But they exist & are worth pursuing & finding.

Over the years, I made up & adopted my own 4 Basic People Types Color-Code System to help guide me when I relate with people:

1) CODE GREEN : Genuine/Safe/Healthy/Reasonably Responsible Peeps; they are stable & balanced; know alot of reality & are able to be flexible, adapting, give but not give too much, etc. They are Loving, Wise, steady.

2) CODE YELLOW or BLUE : Semi-Healthy & Recovering Peeps who are in Recovery / recovering & are trying their best & learning / growing / desiring / working to be Healthy & develop better relationships but who aren't quite there yet. Alot of people are in this category or move from Orange to Blue or Yellow or between them, so allow flexibility of movement.

Blue peeps are often negative or passive but are trying to do better. Sometimes they are better than other times. They are emotionally-led people, so have appropriate cautions in place with them. Depression turns your focus inward not outward. Inward focused friends are not there for others. Some are confused & are struggling to make sense of relationships & oeople but are largely unaware of what they are doing to hurt others. Still if they are willing to learn more, you can pursue friendship with them but still use caution since willy-nilly emotions do not build solid relationship.

Yellow peeps need some caution as they make mistakes or hurt you largely unintentionally but they take some steps to be responsible AFTER they hurt you. Better to not make relational violations to begin with - thats what they are learning to do. As long as they are trying to recover, you can boundary them but at same time stay open to the relationship growing & developing - just be alert/aware, encourage them to apologize & help set fresh boundaries & expect them to abide by them & be accountable for consequences.

3) CODE ORANGE : (There arent any Orange Smilies!) Unhealthy Peeps who have little or no interest in growing or becoming Healthy; these types may be fake-at-times/not responsible/not good caregivers of relationship; they are close to #4 Reds & caution should definitely be used in relating with these peeps who hurt your relationship AND do NOT take responsibility to fix it or be accountable nor do they apologize or its just empty words.

Orange peeps also include superficials & counterfeits who are "all talk, no action"; gossipers who care about what sides people are on rather than about you or what is right; who gloss over problems especially their own short-comings, faults & guilt, who always turn conversations to "more pleasant matters" to avoid truth & reality, painful talks, etc. Use Caution.

4) CODE RED / RED ALERTS : Fakers / Counterfeits / Abusers who are selfish, self-interested & who are abusive & do not wish to change their self, only to blame you. You can tell by their repeated unhealthy behaviors & their lack of accountability or realness to develop good relationship skills, lack of care, they never apologize, always blame you, argue alot, etc. If they are family or a boss & you must relate with them, boundary them alot & relate little; otherwise I avoid Code Reds entirely since theyre not about healthiness & recovery & have no real healthy fruit to offer relationally. They are harmful like poison; best to avoid them.

Forewarned is Forearmed. We all need to learn to see beyond whats presented by people to us, to learn to not read a book or person only by its cover or appearance. Hope this post gives you some practical insight & real hope.

Facing Truth & Tough Realities can help us see things differently & more productively & help Empower you so you can handle well ANY type of people or relationships you encounter in life.

-Princess Spirit-