[Rebirth2011]

Normally when someone commits infidelity, they seek forgiveness and, if lucky, are granted forgiveness and move forward in what both partners hope will be a healthy relationship. I find myself in a very different position. I have been with my boyfriend (the father of my child) for 11 years now. I'm only 27, so ours is essentially the only real relationship I've ever known.
When he and I met many years ago, he presented a very different man than he turned out to be. At the time, I was in high school on an advanced program and college bound. He and I attended separate schools (or so I thought). He indicated to me that he would be headed to college on a partial scholarship from a very reputable school. I always have had an issue with not wanting to be alone and, furthermore, with feeling the need to seek the approval of the man I was involved with (even if he wasn’t worthy of my approval). After a couple years of courtship/friendship, he asked me to be his girl. He came over one night and went through this explanation about how he was going to have this incredible, fruitful life and invited me to “take this ride with him”. And I happily accepted.
Shortly following, it became clear that he was not in a position to deliver on his promises. I always ended up at events (even Prom and my High school graduation) alone. In spite of that, I wouldn’t leave I didn’t even want to. I truly did love him and I knew that he loved me. Yet, I felt a hole growing inside of me. The love was there but, several other elements of a healthy relationship were missing. We never saw each other. Neither of us had transportation so if we saw each other once a month, we were lucky. This situation only compounded once I went away to school.
College was not the first time that I saw the type of man that I wanted for myself but, it certainly gave me opportunity to see a plethora of young men doing what my boyfriend had only talked about. (It wasn’t until 6 years into our relationship that I found out by accident that he had actually dropped out of school before we had met.) Although I loved my boyfriend, I craved something more out of my relationship with a man. So, after being committed to him that first year at school, I cheated on him with a man that I was attracted to in every way. My sophomore year of college, I had a relationship with a man that more so possessed the qualities that I look for in a man. He was living his own separate life at the time (including some infidelity) and decided to forgive me and stay.
At different intervals throughout our relationship, I’ve often found it easy to venture from him. I’d grown to expect him to be absent and had decided a long time ago that I would just settle for what I would get out of a relationship with him and get what else I needed elsewhere. Most recently, he was sent to prison for nearly two years and I cheated on him with an ex for a number of months.
My question: If I have always felt deprived and, thus, justified to step out of the relationship, is it fair to stay with him, even if he asks me to?

[Sunna]

Are you asking for a permission to break a relationship that does not serve you, a relationship build on a lure of illusion?

I sort of understand. 11 years knowing someone, and it's not really all that bad, just not quite good enough either. It is much easier when there is anger, hatred, pain, then we know we need to go elsewhere and we feel justified.

This is how people screw up their life: they settle for eh.. i guess, I can live with it.
Yeah, sure I wanted to be a doctor but being medical office assistant pays my bills.
Yeah, sure I wanted to write a novel, but writing bits and pieces just for myself is good enough.
And so on.

The issue is that you are not true to yourself. You allowed yourself be snagged by a lie and offered your loyalty to one who did not earn it. You had a relationship with a sock puppet, while the man wearing the sock reaped the benefits. Perhaps he felt like a failure, so he told a young girl grandiose stories of himself and took a ride on the wonder in her starry eyes. Whatever.

Is it fair to end it? Dear, it was not fair from a get-go.

If you need permission, I give you my permission. Go and be bold. Live your life fully, take risks, make difficult decisions. Stand up.

[Brianna84]

I'm reading a book called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum. I'm only on chapter 4 or so but I've got high hopes that it will help me sort out what it calls my "relationship ambiguity". Sounds like it might help you too.

[emptybee15]

You guys started out too young and were doomed right after you went your seperate ways. You should have broken it off a long time ago, when you first seen that he wasn't going to be the man you needed. There's no reason to cheat, let the person go first. MOST people don't stay with their firsts, child or not, so if you felt the need to look elsewhere, that was a sign that breaking up would be a good thing.

[afterrain]

There is my rule: If you have to ask yourself "should I do it or no?" Or in your case "should I stay?" The answer is NO because when we ask ourself this questions, we are really looking for a reason to do it. In side of us, we know that something is just not right for one reason or another. Knowing that we should not do it or wait for something better to come. If we really wanted to do what we are asking, we or most people would not ask but just do it.
I think you know the answer to your question. But you don't know what will happen next and that is what is really getting to you right now.
Hope things work out for you. Good Luck!

[IceCreamKid]

I'm not sure where you got your ideas about infidelity. It's been my observation that people who commit infidelity want to keep committing infidelity while hanging onto the person they are cheating on. Serial cheaters don't want a real relationship; if they did, they'd stop being serial cheaters and work on a real relationship. Since you have a child with this man, it's understandable that you want some sort of relationship with him for the child's sake. But if you also want a real, faithful relationship with one man, then tell your child's father that you will encourage a good relationship between the child and him but you are no longer his girlfriend in any way and move on. If instead what you want is to continue to have sex with other men while maintaining you are still your baby daddy's girlfriend, then tell him that is what you want and see if he agrees. He may not agree but at least you will know and you and he can move on, with an honest understanding between you.