[Auntie M]

I have a very close online friend who has been suffering from depression and the like for many years now. He's disabled and housebound, usually spending most of his time in bed as sitting, standing, or walking leads to a great deal of pain. He is married to a woman he hates, living in backwoods Appalachia with limited access to resources, and is so convinced that the vast majority of humanity is merely looking for a way to exploit one another that he refuses to even call a crisis line.

The way he's been talking lately, I fear he may do himself harm. He describes himself as feeling empty, emotionless, like a ghost who has already died and lingering around. He feels his situation is completely hopeless, and that anything I could do -- namely getting him out of his current living situation and somewhere he won't have to ride two hours in a car to see a doctor -- wouldn't improve his mood or health in the slightest.

He needs help. I have found therapists in the area that he could see but refuses to call any of them. As I said, he has even refused to call crisis centers or visit message boards like these, if only as a favor to me to help ease my own mind. I am considering approaching his wife for help in this, but I don't know her very well and have no idea if she's aware of the extent of her husband's suffering, or even if he'd listen to her any more than he'd listen to me as he loathes her so.

I don't know what else I could possibly do to help convince him to get help. Might anyone have any suggestions or advice?

[Leed]

Goodness -- It sounds like he's felt like this for so long, that he figures it's useless to even try. Maybe "trying" seems too overwhelming to him -- I can relate to that somewhat. Being a chronic pain patient myself, sometimes it seems like too much work to look for a doctor who might be of more help.

Does he say WHY he hates his wife so? Is she perhaps cruel to him? I'm wondering if she'd be of any help at all, or if she'd get mad at any interference. Have you talked to her much? If you feel it would do any good, go ahead and talk to her -- perhaps between the two of you, you can encourage him to get the help he needs. I sure hope so.

It's possible that even just an antidepressant would help him -- he might be thinking that it would take years of therapy to get out of his current condition.

He's lucky to have a good friend like you. Thank you for taking the time to care so much for a fellow human being. You're a great person. God bless & keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[Auntie M]

Originally Posted by Leed

Does he say WHY he hates his wife so? Is she perhaps cruel to him? I'm wondering if she'd be of any help at all, or if she'd get mad at any interference. Have you talked to her much? If you feel it would do any good, go ahead and talk to her -- perhaps between the two of you, you can encourage him to get the help he needs. I sure hope so.

I suspect she'd likely get mad at interference, yes. From what interaction I've had with her, the woman appears to have the personality and intellect of an overstuffed chair. She rarely speaks to -anyone-, on or offline. She is also exceptionally jealous, and isn't too fond of me due to my close relationship with her husband.

If not for his being disabled an unable to work, he says he would have left her long ago. Perhaps they would not even have gotten married in the first place, as it started as an arrangement so that he could receive Social Security benefits more easily.

It doesn't seem to occur to her that he's bored and frustrated and hurting. He tends to close up around anyone but me, but you'd have to be completely dense not to realize that a life of isolation and pain, a marriage where one partner repeatedly says he wishes to sleep in separate beds because the other repulses him so...if she's been living with that for so long and not realized by now that something needs to be done, what the hell can I say that would convince her to take action on behalf the man she supposedly loves? The kicker in all this, she's studying to be a psychologist. It just blows my mind.

[Sunna]

Studying to be a psychologist does not grant her compassion. She may even be exploiting him, or his benefits pension, who knows...

It sounds like the only thing left to do is to continue to try to convince him to reach out for help. You could point out that the people that he believes would be looking how to take advantage of him, simply have a job to do, that, that's their job to help people. May make it feel more like something he can live with. But in all likelhood, his refusals, whatever the rationale he gives, are part of his depression. He just doesn't want to be helped, just wants to get more and more miserable. But keep at him, encourage him, maybe one day may be somewhat brighter that he would decide that life could be worth living.

But also realize that you cannot make him want to reach out. You found yourself in this situation, and you care deeply and you are doing the best you can, but what you can do is limited, and that is not your fault.

[CedarS]

Have you met him yet in person?

Are you taking good care of yourself during this?

When concerned about him possibly being a danger to himself, you could have local police do a welfare check on him, to make sure he is okay.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Auntie M

I have a very close online friend who has been suffering from depression and the like for many years now. He's disabled and housebound, usually spending most of his time in bed as sitting, standing, or walking leads to a great deal of pain. He is married to a woman he hates, living in backwoods Appalachia with limited access to resources, and is so convinced that the vast majority of humanity is merely looking for a way to exploit one another that he refuses to even call a crisis line.

The way he's been talking lately, I fear he may do himself harm. He describes himself as feeling empty, emotionless, like a ghost who has already died and lingering around. He feels his situation is completely hopeless, and that anything I could do -- namely getting him out of his current living situation and somewhere he won't have to ride two hours in a car to see a doctor -- wouldn't improve his mood or health in the slightest.

He needs help. I have found therapists in the area that he could see but refuses to call any of them. As I said, he has even refused to call crisis centers or visit message boards like these, if only as a favor to me to help ease my own mind. I am considering approaching his wife for help in this, but I don't know her very well and have no idea if she's aware of the extent of her husband's suffering, or even if he'd listen to her any more than he'd listen to me as he loathes her so.

I don't know what else I could possibly do to help convince him to get help. Might anyone have any suggestions or advice?

you say he's an "online" friend. do you know him outside of the computer? if not his situation may not be as he is telling you. Talking to his wife probably wont do a thing especially if hes portraying himself to be one way online and hes completely different off line with his family and friends.

if you really think this guy is in a bad way and needing help, contact the online site where you know him from. tell them your concerns and tell them you are concerned for his health and well being. they will take it from there by talking with the online person and send the police to do a well check on them.

Please take care of your self. I know how hard it is when someone online says their situation is suicidal or hopeless and lacks avenues for help.

because its online all you can do is offer the info you found and then its out of your hands. you cant force this person to make calls if he is for real.

in the end all you really can do about online friends like this is keep in mind their obviously helpless situation may not be as they are saying, give them the info and let them take it from there.