[Bewildered45]

Hello,

Well this is my first time on a forum and I am a little nervous about it for the simple reason that I have lived or thought I had lived a very simple non complicated life. Obviously I am here for some support and assistance but I really dont want anyone to say that my "ex" is some abusive lunatic. I think there is a problem and real one and if there is then eventually I hope he will find a solution and I will find peace in my new existence. This is all about closure for me and a sense of understanding.

Here is the saga.....

On a wkd away my long term partner of 7 years announced a surprise holiday.(He has done this before) He then pointed out that his 2 children would join us for the last 5 days. We live together and have four children between us with both coming to us at the same time. The children call themselves step brothers and sisters and when they refer to us we are Stepmum or Stepdad. They have grown up together and we are very fortunate that we have never had to deal with any dramas re them getting along or getting along with us. I have been the Mum and I am the one who collects from school, does the party and sports runs, supervises homework and cooks for the family. A normal Mum. It is important to note that since this happened his eldest has sms'd me and said thank you for everything u have done for me and that he misses me and our big family so much. He wants to come and stay with me (he and my oldest are closer than he and his own brother are) and I will be making sure that it happens because the childrens relationship should not have to be destroyed just because ours is.

My ex through all of these years has been building his business and since we have been together and he has had the complete freedom to do that his business has grown and thrived so I do feel that I have contributed by way of being his PARTNER.

Back to the holiday. Before I could say anything I felt monster tears dripping from my eyes such was the feeling of a slap in the face. I then just said that I would not go because we have always been a family and I would not go with him with his children to the detriment of mine. I explained that i would never and could never organise a holiday for me him and my kids and leave his behind. It just doesnt work like that. We have always holidayed and lived as a family unit & actually cancelled a family hol only 3 months ago due to work & financial pressure.

He was completely mortified at my reaction and then started saying since when did this big family thing start? His comments made me feel as though I was having a completely different relationship to the one i was having. I am sure he thought I was selfish for not being appreciative. A huge argument ensued and I said some really crappy things as did he. I called my sister & friend from the room as I was so shocked and hurt and he listened from outside. I absolutely did throw a temper such was the hurt.

He then came in & said I have been listening to you spewing venom from outside you either Go to bed or go home. I went home.

The next day I drove back there and he would not talk to me at first I then said this is crazy listen to what I want to say. He said you have 10 minutes. All I said then was that what he had done had cut and cut deep and if he had wanted to go away with his kids alone that was so fine but he had to understand that I cannot ever be seen to be favouring his children over mine. He stared me in the face and said We are so done just leave.

He has never ever spoken to me since. All communication has been in legal talk or extremely cold. Via email he has kicked me out of our home, forced me to quit a job in our "family" charity and will only communicate via email about the process and never ever about the life we shared. It is like I no longer exist and our relationship has been devalued to being worthless. This man had shared everything with me, business issues, dreams, plans for a future the lot. We lived a very good life. He is financially successful and I do work but smaller hours because our lifestyle did not need me being tied down to an employee as such. We wanted the freedom to do as we pleased when we pleased (holidays and childrens needs)

He has now provided me with an agreement which outlays some income for the next two years so I can get on my feet. I am not grateful and I am not happy because that does not replace the loss of an entire family!
I cannot help but believe that this has been done to save face in our community which is relatively small as our business lives do overlap. I have been dismissed like an employee and I am sure you can appreciate the fallout has been immense.

Before that day we were FINE. No arguing, bickering, nothing and all I keep asking myself is Why would someone organise a huge surprise holiday (London, Paris and an exotic Island for 10 days) if they were so desperately unhappy? He said listening to me on the phone on that terrible day made him realise he can no longer live in a r'ship where he is unhappy and always will be.

I would appreciate any constructive comments because I do regardless of what he has done to me care and I am very concerned about his mental health. I on the other hand am at least able to keep moving forward although the humiliation is great and the pain is at times unbearable.

[shezbut]

Hello and welcome to PC,

I want to start out by telling you that I am a bit confused by your post.

If your relationship with your ex was so happy and solid for 7 years, how has this 1 argument put the relationship to it's end? That sounds pretty extreme to me.

Let me see if I've gotten this right (please do correct me if I'm wrong): Your boyfriend wanted to take you on a vacation. After a few days, his children would join you ~ but your children would stay with someone else. Their dad or grandparents?

Did you ask your bf where the children would be staying while you 2 were on vacation? Did you ask why all of the children wouldn't be coming with? Did you say that his idea of not bringing your children with hurts your feelings? Making you feel as though he does not love them? Or, did you automatically react emotionally from the beginning?

I have learned through a lot of my own therapy sessions on how to get emotional fights to wind down. First: Don't accuse the other of anything. Instead, say, "It hurts my feelings that my kids won't be joining us on the vacation." And let him respond. Rather than focusing our attention on "the other guy", we aren't elevating tension. I've tried it myself a few times, when things were very tense ~ and it works every time! People are much more willing to discuss differences in opinion when we don't include accusations. Second: It sounds as though your bf did put some time, thought, and money into the trip. I'm curious if he was planning the trip to be romantic ~ with an engagement or wedding?? Perhaps your emotional lash scared and hurt him (especially when he heard you later complaining on the phone to your sister). And maybe that caused deeper hurt, creating more hurtful arguments between you two.

Anyway... Your relationship with the bf is now over. You've played a large role in the children's lives and you are determined not to let that slip away. Great! Too many times, the kids get attached and they wind up being hurt too.

I would recommend that you try to take a step or two back, and try to look at the trigger to have a better understanding of what exactly happened between you. Because it doesn't make any sense that your bf was wanting to take you away, and has now lost all feelings for you. Sounds more like a self-protective wall that he's put up. To supposedly prevent himself from feeling more pain.

Maybe after some thought and consideration, you could call or write to your ex, and tell him that you do care about him very much. Perhaps he'll be willing to see a counselor with you, so you two could work out your problems together. That would probably be the healthiest idea. Couples have differences in opinion all of the time. That doesn't mean that they can't work those differences out. It merely means that they need to work on communicating with each other, to hopefully prevent walls of resentment building up between you.

I'm sure that the children love both of you and they don't want to see things come to an end either. If the relationship is doomed to failure, than there is no point in trying to get over it. But ~ is there really no hope that you and your ex can work through this? I just see the experience as a great opportunity to teach the children how "healthy adults" approach differences in strong opinions. We want our kids to learn how to work through disagreements. What are we teaching them if we can't follow our own advice?

Yes, I've given you some things to think about. Just trying to help you & I hope that it does! Gentle hugs sent your way.