What’s typical of emotionally stunted (compensatory narcissist?) young man during and

I am here today to ask for your insights and thoughts about a young man, age 22, who was the long-time boyfriend of my daughter before he abruptly left her several months ago within weeks of their imminent engagement. Whereas she has done quite well, under the circumstances, she is still seeking a better understanding of his erratic behavior during and since the breakup. I have seen many relationships end—friends, family, children, and years ago, my own—and fully know that they can be painful, ugly and awkward. This one is very, very different.

I’ve always suspected that he was emotionally stunted, but based on his recent behavior, he fits classically into the often cited description of a compensatory narcissist. Despite the pain, she and I are both quite concerned about his behavior, even though he seemingly is doing fabulously well. Here are the details:

• “Andy” was born in China, moving to U.S. at age 10. Parents, though highly educated, not very assimilated. Very slight and young looking for his age. Mother literally spoon-fed him until his early teens. Ironically, he has been pretty much emotionally neglected since his sister was born around that same time at age 13. The only feedback he has received from them of substance is to excel academically. No support on values, social skills, kindness, etc. None.
• Andy started dating “Jenny” off and in high school, resuming their relationship during their sophomore year of college. Totally simpatico on their interests, sense of humor, professional goals, etc, they seldom fight, though his insensitivity and selfishness has created periodic conflicts. Jenny gave a lot more than she received back, even taking two years of Mandarin to be able to better communicate with his parents. The kid was totally into her as casual acquaintances and those close to her saw clearly and without exception. Andy and Jessi plan on marriage—he chooses a PhD program within an hour of where we live while Jessi gets accepted into a highly competitive grad program that she decides to pursue remotely to remain closer to him. They begin making their life plans more formal by summer’s end. They even get a rescue puppy a few months ago. Their future looks great.
• He goes on a two-week-long trip to Alaska with his family this June. First week, he called four or five times a day, saying how much he missed Jenny and the pup and noting how he couldn’t wait to take Jenny there after they are married. Then—they have a disagreement about his unwillingness to get a part-time job to supplement their future, since she is working two jobs and has agreed to financially carry the load while he finishes his PhD. That was it. He refused to take her calls and only communicated via very cruel text messages. He comes home, drops by our house, and a very robotic, detached, seething with barely contained rage—disconcertingly so, not even petting the dog—says that he wants to “take a break.” His parents encouraged him, he noted, to “cool it” as well. All this from a young man who is easily prone to crying. He is overtly disrespectful to me, when in the past he has always been very deferential. Very creepy.
• The next day, Jenny insists on meeting with him again at the coffee shop they first met. He comes, dog toys in a bag, and tells her he wants out. ” He abandons the pup and drives off. No tears, no emotion—not even shouting and yelling. Nothing. No one saw signs of this coming, not then, not in the months since it all happened. There was nary a crevice in their happiness that anyone saw.
• That night, Jenny emails him. His response? He wanted out, because, as he put it “there has never been a spark between us, going way back.” He wants to find a woman who can sexually thrill him and it ain’t Jenny. His ending? “Yeah, this sucks for you, and I’m selfish, but I’m sure you will be happy again sometime.” No one buys this: Not Jenny, her friends, family, not even the counselor she spoke to post-engagement. This guy was nuts for her.
• Fast forward: He takes down his Facebook for a month, and becomes a constant user of Twitter, which is strange, since his only followers are celebs and two former classmates. He creates a new FB page and his only friends are those he’s met at his new university. NONE of his former friends—even those of longstanding or not mutual friends of Jenny’s—are a part of his new FB. His photo is one of a smug, dare I say, jerk. He’s hardly recognizable. Meanwhile, he is working overtime on his new social life with his new acquaintances.

The respectful, overly sentimental young man who never let go of anything before—he kept Facebook friends even when they parted less than amicably has been replaced by this cocky, unkind, sterile jerk.

My question to all of you—is this typical? What is your perspective and thoughts? Frankly, I’m worried about him, and for my daughter’s interest, she would like a better understanding of what in the heck happened.

Thanks so much for your help!!

I am very sorry you and your daughter have had to deal with the heartache and bewilderment a person like this can leave in their wake. Sounds like he is a severe NPD bordering on a psychopath and had many people fooled. If you delve further you may find that he was more controlling over your daughter than you believe or she will readily admit. As long as she did what he wanted, all was well. He suffered a particularly severe narcissistic injury and has now devalued and discarded your daughter (the perpetrator). It is not productive to worry about him. He is doing what comes naturally to him (it has always protected his false self before) and he has no remorse about it. Of this you can be assured. Try to think of him as a robot who can demonstrate quite convincing human emotions but cannot actually feel those emotions. His life is like a stage production in which he has the lead role.
He has just moved on to different supporting players. As he said... it sucks for her. Not for him. Believe what he is telling you.

Thank you so much, Strongerman, for your honest and insightful words. Yes, you are probably dead on in your assessment of the situation. How sad. He was such a sensitive kid when he first came into our lives.

Strongerman, since your are very knowledgeable on this type of individual, is it useful at all to confront the NPD person and let them know that you are onto them? From what I have been told, they thrive on setting up a false world. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

"Is it useful at all to confront the NPD person....."

"....to protect themselves from rejection,humiliation,and criticism they often react with disdain,rage and defiance at any slight criticism...." 4th paragraph ~theories heading N.P.D wikipedia.~

"....may manifest wishes to be feared and to be notorious...."

There are various sub-types in regard to NPD,so this is just an add for a possible result to confrontation.
Further....under the search title (so,a different search) "Narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury" (entered into wikipedia)......lower on that page,..."self psychology and narcissistic rage" [bold letters]...."the need for revenge,for righting a wrong,for undoing a hurt by whatever means....is related to their need for total control of their environment.It is a need to turn from passive victimization to an active role in giving pain to others.....in an attempt to rebuild their sense of self-worth...."

I personally would not follow my desire (and it'd be a strong desire) to confront or debate....they are excellent at debate,and cutting you 'down to size".It'd be pointless really.

I also want to say that as with borderline personality disorder (which I have,and let me tell you it does 'suck',I abhor it),the NPD really did not receive appropriate parenting to assist them in developing to a healthy balanced personality.It develops out of a very flawed parenting experience.I think,to a degree,they are deserving of some level of empathy,though not the sort that encourages ongoing interactive episodes of intellectual debate,(unless they genuinely desire to work through things),or compensatory tolerance to an ongoing dysfunctional relationship,in which both parties are at risk of emotional abuse,simply because arguments/confrontations can become very heated.

Always take anything I say with a grain of salt.These are no more than a mixture of personal interpretations of my experience,some quotes,and personal opinion.A mixed bag really.~W~

I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out for your daughter. I respect my friends opinions here and I don't disagree but I will say - if your daughters ex hasn't been officially diagnosed, then I don't think its safe to assume he's narcissistic at this point. I agree his behavior is odd and cold. I think its more practical to cut the losses and be thankful she didn't marry him, considering his family is aloof anyways.

Another thing to consider is the strong cultural influence - often parents play a strong role in who their children choose to marry in the Oriental culture. Since his family was aloof emotionally they probably advised him to back off and this seemed easy for him since he's probably emotionally detached like them. Since he wasn't taught good social morals, he's probably not a good problem solver and its just easier for him to bail. I understand you and your daughter are hurt, but its best to cut your losses. Your daughter deserves someone better and more emotionally available who'll stick around when the going gets rough.

I agree with wolfsong. The conundrum with these people is that to "successfully" navigate a relationship with them in regard to your own personal mental health, you must set strong boundaries and make a firm stand against their behavior. This is a constant struggle that few can continue for very long because they will never learn from this and accept your boundaries. The NPD will only be amicable when, in their mind, they have won or are "one up" as they say. They can often achieve this by simply ignoring you (silent treatment) until you acquiesce and come crawling back begging for some morsel of humanity. There is no ability to compromise or even "agree to disagree" in them. If they view you as someone who will provide them approval (supply) and reflect their false self, they will tolerate you (your are forever "on trial"). But they are always hypervigilant against injury and will summarily discard you when you are no longer a source of this supply. In fact, they know (subconsciously or not) "you are on to them" and their reaction is simply a defense mechanism against this threat (shaming) to the false self which could expose their self imposed, "flawed" true self. Once you are no longer useful to them you are persona non grata. As difficult as it is, consider yourself blessed to be free from their sphere of control.

Very true lynn. Labels are just that. Sometimes I think though that a skunk doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt for stinking.

Well I ,mayhaps should have prefaced....in the event that this young man IS a narcissist......but,I suppose I didn't consider the possibility of an alternative.Good point Lynn.You offer a valuable perspective.

I`m wondering if your daughter`s ex could possibly have schizophrenia. Because the chaotic nature of that guy seems similar to how my SZ boyfriend acted at his worst pre-treatment stage. However the difference is that my bf was never mean, cruel or abusive, just behaved like a selfish, whiny child at times. He constantly said he thought that we weren`t meant to be together after I`d disagree with anything and refused to let him run the relationship by his whims. The ex could have very well had a psychotic break and was paranoid and delusional. He could also be bi polar. Just my opinion though, home this helps.

Your daughter is an adult, isn't she? You seem too enmeshed in your daughter's romantic relationships.

IceCreamKid, I hear where you are coming from--and I have always resisted being the stereotypical "helicopter mom," which is obnoxious at best and destructive at worst. I haven't intruded into the interplay between them at all, actually, but this young man was a big part of our entire family for nearly four years, so there's obviously an independent relationship that was developed beyond theirs. Because of his chaotic home situation, he did rely on us for support. Having said all that, I take your words seriously. No way should a parent involve themself in the romantic dalliances of their adult children.

Kids don't stop being our kids,we worry for our friends,children,relatives....etc., You are just trying to get some input.As a mom,daughter,friend....I think you've every right to explore this issue if it causes you concern.Better to express yourself here,and explore things than to just toss it into the back of the closet if you feel concerned.

You are reading my mind, Wolfsong!

Well, you just keep posting to your hearts content.There is nothing wrong with you digesting the ingredients of this situation which has surfaced in YOUR life,as well as in your daughters life.On this website,you will encounter many opinions,and comments that you reflect on and either agree with or disagree with.But,it remains up to you whether you feel that your expressions satiate a need or concern.And,whether or not what you are concerned about is valid.I'll tell you......I have 3 sons,who've been in relationships,my mums relationships,friends marriages,etc..... things I witness in my life effect me,cause me concern,irregardless of its relevancy to me personally....ie, world events,community concerns,and even people on here.It is my nature to become concerned even in the context of someone I have never met.....so who is to say where your concerns must lay?But.....as a mum of 3 boys...two of which have had relationships of length,I might point out that experiencing life albeit painful at times....is what proceeds development/experience/and wisdom.Essentially,most relationships irregardless of their outcome teach us about ourselves and the world/people in the world with us.In that sense,there was an extent to which I interjected with my boys....as they do with me...(they are adults now lol) and then there were aspects that I thought were valuable to their process,even if painful.I stepped back.But,we all have a path....as mothers,friends,children etc,and who's to say what our roles ;as such, should appear to be.....universally.Just wanted you to feel empowered to voice any thing that you felt concerned about......jmo don't let anyone shut you down. ~W~