how to let go

Been cheated on done some cheating had kids and now after ten years its over? I can't stand the thought of her with someone else or my kids for that matter I know I don't want to be together I'm not happy but I'm not happy alone either what do I do

i have done things i am ashamed of now. i know it is hard to think someone you loved or cared for And your Children, with someone else, i know it feels your heart is breaking. i am not happy with life, but no one promised to make me happy, so i try to get a smile from whatever. you are in my thoughts..

Broken heart isn't the word for it. Its more like I don't have one left and she already is moving on?! I don't know how to even think about that yet I want my family back

Just from your screen name it sounds as if you're not too happy about yourself, as if you feel you've done some not terribly great things. But you know, there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of men out here who've done very similar things with very similar results. You're not "dirt." You're nothing of the kind. You're a decent guy who's made some mistakes that you won't do again. You still will have a life. You still can have a good life. But to get there you have to treat your children AND the mother of your children decently and appropriately. And that may mean, at some time in the future, being polite and friendly with your children's mother's boyfriends or next husband.

One thing you could do is to sit down and think through what you may have done over the past ten years to help create the bad situation you're now in. Make a written list so you can look at it now and then and remind yourself. For the purpose of making sure you don't do those things again in any future relationship.

Everyone's first responsibility is to their kids, though. Whatever the relationship with you and their mother, your children will always be your children. You still need to help support them and maintain a good relationship with them during your visits with them.

You say you "can't stand the thought of her with someone else or my kids for that matter..." Well, in our society everyone is free, after separation and divorce, to once again have a social life. You can't hold it against her. It's her right and it's your right too. You do need to work on those "can't stand" feelings, because they may lead to trouble. Your ex-wife may or may not hook up with someone else, and it's really not your business. You, in all probability, will hook up with someone else yourself. So it's just equal rights.

You say you know you don't want to be with the mother of your children. Are you sure? Have you been to couples therapy together? Many people who thought they were finally on the outs with each other have found out in therapy that they really want to give each other another chance. Be sure about that before you start dating someone else.

But always, your children should come first. Everyone, including you, including people in your situation, needs to do everything they can to make sure that their children have as normal and happy a childhood as possible. As I said above, that means (1) contributing regularly to their support, and (2) being with them for good, happy times, as often as you and their mother can agree or a court may direct.

I don't mean to sound like a knowitall. But, like lots of other people here at PC, I understand your situation and would like to give you a hand. Feel free at any time to contact any of us here at PC, either through a forum post or a private message (PM) for continuing help and support. The best of luck to you! Take care.

I wish I could let her go like she's doing to me. It seems so mean and it only makes me want her more I swear I'm going to need a trip to the hospital