[PalmTrees11]

My father and I have never had a great relationship. He has always been a ticking time bomb and you just never know when he might explode. Growing up he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive and recently I am having a hard time wrapping my head around all of it. My father would scream and belittle me in front of others, but the physical and truly damaging verbal abuse always happened when no one was around. I always begged my mom to leave my dad so that I wouldn't have to deal with him, but she never would. My family and I went to therapy for years and things have been much better than they were and my father and I finally have something of a relationship, but over the last couple days the things he has said to me have come back to haunt me. The thing I am struggling the most with is that on a few occasions, probably five or so, my father suggested that I kill myself. It was never something that I considered or would ever consider, but he would tell me that his problems and mine would be over if I wasn't around. I have only told my mom and my husband that he said this to me and neither of them seem to know how to deal with it, so I feel that I don't get much support when I need it. Some days it is very difficult to think that your father really believed that his life would be better off if you were dead and I find it hard, especially now, to really feel any sort of self worth. I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for, maybe just to vent. I wish I could think of this and not cry or be upset, but I'm not sure how. My dad is a very different person than he was all those years ago and even though I have forgiven him for many of the things he has done, I just can't move past this in my head. I just can't wrap my head around a parent saying that to their child.

[Leed]

Good grief -- what an AWFUL thing to say to your child !!! I can understand why you're upset.

You stated that your family and you went to therapy -- I assume that included your Dad too. If your Dad is more calm & "friendly" now, I think I'd ask him about it, and find out what he meant. Did he REALLY think he'd be better off? If you think he'd be agreeable to having a "chat" about it, just plain ask him. That's the only way you're going to get closure to this. I have a feeling that he will be ashamed that he said this -- he might even deny it !!!

Yes, I'd be nervous asking my Dad about something like this, but I still think you need to do it. You shouldn't have to 'wonder' from now on if he felt he'd be better off. Find out for sure -- and then you can better deal with it. But I really think that he's going to deny he ever said it. LOL I doubt seriously that he meant it -- he just wasn't "well" at the time.

I wish you the very best -- please let us know what happens. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee