[Julie H.]

My son won't talk to me, he is 17 years old and stays away from home as much as possible. His father passed away in February of 2011 from cancer that he never knew he had until it was too late. They weren't real close but they were working on the relationship at this point, his father left when he was 3.

My son is very quiet and won't talk about how he feels, sometimes I would see a glimmer of light when he would rush in the door excited about a new career idea but this idea only lasted until he got what he really came to see me for and that was money. This is how he works, thinking that if he was positive around me it would open up the door to ask me for things he wanted.

Now, I do give him money to mow the grass, I don't just hand it to him because he doesn't appreciate anything. I though I was doing the right thing by teaching him that things can be appreciated when you work hard for it, but I have learned the money was being used to buy marijuana and alcohol. I only know this because I went through it with his father and can identify.

So much to say so little space.

Hello, Julie H. Sorry this is happening. It is hard to watch someone you love hurt himself.

I wish you well.

[shezbut]

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time with your son.

It sounds as though your son is at a typical stage as teens approach adulthood ~ He is pushing his limits. Personally, I think that now is the time to learn the consequences of actions. So, yes you are paying your son to do his chores. Whatever he chooses to spend that money he makes upon is his decision. I'd recommend being up front with your son. Tell him that you suspect that he's using the money that he earns to buy marijuana. You can then tell him how you feel about that and why. Like: I really don't want you to be smoking. There are physical and emotional consequences of doing this drug. It's known to slow thoughts and reactions down, it is an illegal substance, etc...

Hopefully, your son will talk with you & not just avoid talking completely! Regardless, now is the time to tell your son where you stand on the issue. Like: "it's not okay to smoke around here." Plain and simple. You can assure him that you do love him very much, but you stand by your decision to do as much as you can to keep drugs away from your son, in hopes of avoiding watching him make painful decisions and hurting himself in the process.

Obviously, it's a lot easier to tell you my opinion that to follow my words. My girls are still in elementary school, so I'm sure my time is coming. I've been warning them for years though & they can see the effects right in front of us. Whether or not they choose to follow my wisdom I don't know.

You might want to try getting your son involved in feeding the homeless, at a shelter. That's an opportunity for your son to see what's on the other side of using drugs. He could see that they are still very human ~ wonderful and kind people. Some suffering bad luck, others suffering bad decisions, and the slim minority of "bad people". It might open his mind a little bit. (I did that in my last year of high school, and found it to be empowering!)

Best wishes sent your way ~ welcome to PC!

My girls are still young (and I'm dreading the teen years!)

[Leed]

Hi ~ Shezbut gave you some good advice. I went thru the same thing with my son. When he was 18, we discovered that he was drinking, and quite heavily. We sat him down and told him that this was NOT acceptable while he was living in our home. That if he was to KEEP living in the home, he had to follow house rules. That meant NO drinking!!! Of course he agreed to it because he didn't have any place else to go. LOL

But he didn't stick to the agreement -- he kept drinking. And he had been told the consequences -- so we told him he had to leave. He never thought we would follow thru with it, but we did. I guess it's called "tough love." There is a history of alcoholism in both sides of the family, and my son was on his way. So we made him leave -- he found places to lay his head, and I worried about him constantly -- but he never hit "his bottom."

He is 41 years old now, and he's still drinking heavily. So what we did didn't seem to work. We let him know how much we loved him, but it didn't seem to make any difference.

I hope you can make your son understand the consequences of drinking & smoking. He could get arrested, he could cause an accident and injure someone else or himself, there are all sorts of things that can happen as a result of his actions. I wish you the very best. In the end, they make the final decision -- we can make them "behave." God bless & my prayers are with you. Hugs, Lee