[Finding Hope]

I have been with my fiancé for a little over two years. He moved here from Texas after dating online for about 6 months. We are currently expecting a baby which will be his first, but will be my third (my other two are from my previous marriage)

When we first began dating online, we would see each other once a month for about 7 days each time. While together we would have sex about 4-5 times, which for me was perfect while long distance, I didn’t expect it that much under normal circumstances.

When he moved here I didn’t realize the drastic change our sex life would take. Initially it would occur around 3 times per week, but after a few months, went down to around 2 times every couple of weeks. By the time we conceived, we were having sex once a month; I know the EXACT date of conception because of this.

Since getting pregnant it is occurring maybe 1 time every 3 months, and he never initiates, I have to, and I am lucky to get more than 5 minutes, foreplay doesn’t exist. When I bring up the issue, he reassures me of the love he has for our family, and tells me that he would never jeopardize what we have, when he says these things, he seems sincere.

I have never had distrust issues before this relationship, and I am beginning to hate myself for feeling this way, but to be with a healthy 27 year old man (I am 29) who, over the years, had quite the sex life, it is hard to discount the possibility of infidelity. Adding insult to injury, he still masturbates.

I have tried having conversations with him about "spicing" things up, more foreplay, different positions, anything I can think of I ask him what he would think about it, and honestly, he seems completely disinterested, it is as though he participates in the conversations to appease me.

There are none of the telltale signs: pornography, mood changes, running off to check his phone or to “run errands”, or late nights at work. I check our phone bill and his email accounts regularly, I call him while he is at work to "see how his day is going", and I look through his wallet.

I am constantly looking for "evidence" that he is cheating on me, but come up with nothing, except for today; his car smelled of vanilla, when asked he said he didn't know why it smelled that way. I know his boss has vanilla air freshener, because of a running joke we have with him. So that could be the cause, but even still... why hide that?

Other than when he is at work, he would have zero time to be unfaithful because he is always home.
I am so lost.

Welcome to the Community, Finding Hope. Has he talked about problems at work that might be bothering him? If not, my thought is to ask him to have a physical to see if something turns up to explain his diminished libido. Also ask him if he would agree to see a counselor or maybe have couples counseling to get this problem resolved.

Be well.

[Yoda]

Do you think that you being pregnant could have anything to do with it?

Wikipedia says about Madonna/***** syndrome: Often, the wife begins to be seen as mother to the husband—a "Madonna" figure—and thus not a possible object of sexual attraction.

For this reason, in the mind of the sufferer, love and sex cannot be mixed. The man is therefore reluctant to have sexual relations with his wife for, according to his unconscious mind, this would be incest. He will reserve sexuality for "bad" or "dirty" women, and will not develop "normal" feelings of love in these sexual relationships.

This introduces a dilemma where a man may feel unable to love any woman who can satisfy him sexually and is unable to be sexually satisfied by any woman whom he can love.

[Bella01]

If it's his first time being a daddy maybe he's afraid to hurt the baby!!!

There could be lots of reasons you two need to talk and discuss what is going on.

[salukigirl]

I would say bc of the pregnancy but you said this was going on BEFORE the pregnancy. I tend to go with my gut rather than the "evidence" everyone says to look for. How much do you trust him? Do you honestly think he is cheating or are you feeling that this is what is SUPPOSED to happen given the situation? What else has changed? Has he lost a job/got a new job? Family troubles?

Guys have this feeling that they have to be superman and don't feel okay (most of the time) asking for help. If he consistently holds a role of being the breadwinner or man of the house and something has changed, that can seriously hurt a man's ego. Maybe he thinks you are disappointed in him? Not interested in him?

When was the last time you made special time for each other be it a nice dinner out or even just a movie? Do you guys have things you do together and noone else? Relationships require a lot of work from both sides and "searching" for evidence probably isn't helping the situation. He isn't a mind reader and neither are you. For this to be solved there needs to be straight up honest discussion. His response to a simple talk with you will tell you more than a vanilla smell in his car.

[Finding Hope]

Salukigirl, you are absolutely right, this was a problem before the pregnancy that has only gotten worse since.

I am trying so hard to go with my gut, the problem is I have never felt this before, so I honestly don't know if I am just being a paranoid and completely obsessed fool, it is ruining me and is so very unhealthy, not to mention if he is innocent, what this must be doing to him. I feel like such a bad person.

He does treat me very good, and outside of this, I have very little complaints about our relationship. He treats my two children as his own, and refers to them as his. All of this is why I posted to begin with, he really is a good guy, but I am constantly nagged by these suspicions and I don't know where they are coming from other than the lack of being intimate.

When he moved here, he was hit with the same unemployment issue that the rest of the country was going through, and after going through a couple of really horrid low paying jobs, he found one that has been going well and pays him something he is okay with, not entirely happy with... but it's better than the others were.

He knows that I am extremely attracted to him still; I tell him everyday how handsome he is and how in love with him I am, though I do voice my concerns related to our sex life. Numerous times I have tried having honest to goodness conversations with him about the issue, and they never go anywhere. He tells me that he doesn't know what is wrong, just that he doesn't really feel like it (yet he masturbates?), he has even said that it makes him feel bad for me. Usually on the days we talk about it he will promise that we will be together that night, but it never happens... not without me nagging him about it which makes me feel terrible.

Making time for each other isn't very hard for us, he has a set schedule at work, but it is not a typical 8-5 schedule, he has a couple of days during the week where we can spend quite a bit of time together while the kids are at school, every other weekend the kids go to their biological fathers house, and those are when we have our date nights and we will go out to dinner and a movie or whatever else sounds fun at the time, also we take 95% of our showers together so we can chit chat and have "relax" time nothing frisky though.

As you can see, we do spend quality alone time together, we do have our date nights, and I really do communicate my feelings to him, he has yet to do the same with me though. I should also point out that when I do talk to him, I do not point fingers, I do not get angry with him, and I do not try to make him feel bad... I try to keep the conversations as constructive and heartfelt as possible, I never want him feeling attacked, but it still doesn't work.

I think that is why my suspicions keep growing, I always thought that communication would be the best route to take, but when I hear no feedback, and see no attempts to try working on it, what more can I do?

[salukigirl]

Well it sounds like you know what you're doing in the realm of communication. I don't know what else to say other than flat out asking "why are we not having sex?" or maybe even present the idea of couple's counseling. He could very well be dealing with depression and not realize it or what it's doing to you. And it may just take an outsider's perspective (a T) giving their professional advice or maybe even trying out some anti-depressants for the time being to see how they affect his mood.

Depression doesn't necessarily have to be caused by any certain event but moving, being unemployed and having some crappy jobs can really put a strain on a person. And if that put him in a funk he might just not know how to pull himself out of it. In that case I think some non-threatening couple's therapy could be very good for you two. The time to go see a T is BEFORE things progress to the point of resentment, pain etc... But, if you choose this option, I would make it very clear that you are not doing this because you are thinking of leaving or any of that but that you really do just want your relationship to be stronger.

Personally, I think all couple's should see a T at least every now and then just to clear the air in a safe environment and reassess their situation together. Might give you guys a new view on the relationship and create a new spark.

[Finding Hope]

I was looking into some affordable "T" last night, and did present the idea to him today. I was happy when he said he would be willing to go, and it was a relief that he didn't get the least bit offended by it! Wish us luck Hopefully we should go within the next couple of weeks.

Thanks for all the feedback. I do appreciate it