[beauflow]

never thought when i was 20 i would have a bf. Here at 25 i've been with my boyfriend since i turned 22.I love him & well i'm sure he loves me. Just with my love it comes & goes. i hate it.
I can't tell him for some reason the promises that he breaks to me really tear my up inside in so many ways. Its not like he promises to go places or like to pick me up & doesn't (ok only once he did that i ended up falling on ice that lead to my back issues now but besides that time he's always there to pick me up if needed). Idk if he means to do it either. He is the one i call when i'm down & so chaotic in my head that i'm not sure what i may do. He calls me when he knows some where inside of him that i can't call him. That just happened a bit ago,
Today was the picking up of my present kitten. He said we would go to the shelter together, i ended up going alone cuz he needed sleep. the shelter ordel was just heart breakin- lots happened. it was a mistake & as usual with public things i am very patient on the out side, even when i'm not in the inside. I leave that for when alone
i get home the shelter took 3 hrs but i got a cute kitty friend that i can love. My bf is like me w suspicion, he questions my shelter story & on top of it i did take the wrong road to the shelter my first time drivin there, & i had a train to wait on on my way back. I ignore him a little & get kitty set up in room. I'm passive aggressive i'm sure cuz That's how i am & quiet. I also feel worthless. He says he's taken some smokes i say whatever. He asks for me to come sit with him & i'm with madden thoughts of many. I turn his suspicion of me to him on why he went to bed so late the past night & had to sleep thus i went alone. I am angry inside i can't look at him with out thinkin i'm a moron for believing liars. He has to go to work he's already late he say's he does love me & sorry. I say ok. I'm so upset i don't want to hang out w kitten.feel dead inside. My bf calls to say he can't just leave me upset, we talk.I love him again & feel messed up

[beauflow]

Oh btw i did sit the kitty as i typed he's in his basket i made up for him. He's a feral kitten so he wants to hide so made him a place comfy to hide . I'm sorry but i go through this rapid cycle of love hate dead and whirl wind of thoughts a lot. I'm gettin tired of it. We are human and my boyfriend was alone for 10 years so he is him and i do love him. He calls me when he knows i'm so upset, he bought the kitten he gave me like 80 bucks for a 30 kitten and i gave back the change sigh. I think this i will print off to t cuz i always tell her my relationship is fine with my boyfriend but in reality i'm tearing apart at times. I feel like doing bad things to me. not good i need to get a grip. I know this last week in Beauflow land has been screaming up and downs, maybe the last two weeks maybe longer and i don't realize it. I've been causing headaches at work too which isn't helping