very disgruntled with family stress

Hi. I am bipolar and have been surviving for nearly 17 years, and have had some good periods of stability, through very stressful situations, but the situation in my family right now is threatening my stability so much I'm scared. I have a husband with cancer, six years in remission, we think the cancer may be back. I have a 14 year old Biolar/ADHD daughter who has school phobia and has to go to school online at home. I go to school part-time at a local Community College, so I'm not always here to police her and when I do get home from lectures, and she is actually working, Dad is sleeping, as he takes three naps a day. Son, 21, just got engaged,college student. Had problems with marijuana and cocaine with him in the past, but he went to bootcamp and really straightened himself out. Found a bong in his room today. Apparently, he 'marijuana maintains' (whatever that might mean!)to control his anger. We also found a six-pack of beer in his room. Daughter, husband and i are in receovery from alcohol and told him the rules were no drugs and no alcohol in the house. Now it's free reign, right, because he just turned 21? Well, I am at my wits end. He pigs out his room and procrastinates about cleaning it.He and she have sex in their room and my daughter hears it. What do we do?! Kick them out into the streets?That would send me over the edge. There HAS to be another way.

You need to enforce the rules. He should respect you and your house. If he can't do that much then he needs to leave. It isn't fair to the rest of your family to have to put up with his behavior of self destruction.

I think he thinks that you will never threaten and kick him out of the house. However, he is also about to get married and needs to learn some responsibility. If you need to, have him start paying rent to you and make a written agreement of the things he is and isn't permitted to do in the house. On the agreement you can include a fee for every time you find beer/bong/mj in his room. It might discourage his behavior a little bit.

It sounds like he is arrogant and doesn't know anything about the real world.

If son is 21 and thinks he's old enough so he can make his own rules, fine; in his own space! Tell him to start looking for where to move (don't have to "kick him out", just nudge him out) as he's "too old" to be living at home, there's not enough space for him and girlfriends and use your husband's/daughter's and your own needs for study quiet and taking care of selves; only those taking care of selves need apply to live in this house.

Oh my gosh, I thought I had it bad until I read this. Bless your heart for even trying to manage all this. It almost sounds like a re-make of my past life - alcohol, son in trouble & going to boot-camp, marijuana, cocaine, then he went to prison for 8 years. This was all after losing my husband to cancer. We had just got my stepson here from Cuba when his dad died so I was left with trying to educate him and get him adjusted to the U.S. I never thought I would see the end of that horrible time, but just hang on, things do get better. I think you first have to make a decision about your son being there and doing the things he is doing. Sometimes kicking them out is the best thing FOR THEM--however, I know how hard that is for you.Before that, I would try to go to counseling with your son and let him know that if he continues this path, it is going to affect your health and what is he and the other members of your family going to do if you become unable to function???If he has a girlfriend maybe they could get a small apartment,too.Oh, and it might be worthwhile to see if they could stay with her family, if that is an option. I always try to remember the saying that "The Lord never puts more on us than we can handle" but it's times like this that makes you question that. It sounds like you are a strong person who has come a long way from a bad time in your life so don't let this get you down. I wish you the very best.

Thank you, everybody, for your responses and comments. It really warms a person's heart when they get support. I really appreciate it, and am going to implement some of the things you all suggested. Thank you again.