[jmo531]

So as you all know my life is a complete mess. By mess, I mean a disaster.

I didnt handle "J" leaving very well and that still weighs heavily on my mind. Just exactly what do I need to do about this. Well, I know what I need to do, but the bad guy on my shoulder is telling me to do it anyway. I hate temptation.

I want to go home which is actually becoming more of a reality. The house went on the market on Monday. Who knows how long it will take to sell, I just want to go home. We talked to father in law today, he said he will help us get home. We will rent an apartment until our place here sells and then perhaps look to to buy something then, in my area

I know it will take sometime. Talked to my friend at my OLD job today. I told her not to say anything to anyone but she couldnt help herself and told our boss (my old boss). So my old boss asked her if I was looking to get back to work right away, part time, full time??? I guess it seems I could get my old job back but I am not sure I want that but at least I know the option is there...maybe??? I guess I should call my ex boss tomorrow and play it off as casual. I do talk to her from time to time anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I create drama in my life because it is comfortable. I am used to it. I dont think I do it intensionally but I have been sitting back the last few days and keep asking myself if I have created the holy hell I am in and the answer is yes. I wish I didnt need the drama or chaos, but it seems that most of my life, drama and chaos played a major part, doesnt seem normal when things are calm. I am crazy as a loon

[Myzen]

Hi Jen,

I've just read through all your recent threads, and tried to feel myself into your situation, although I know that's not really possible.

First thought - you're reflective - that is a great advantage with the illness. Imagine if you didn't have a clue about how the illness works in us?

Second thought - A classic symptom of anxiety illnesses is creating situations in order to break the loop of unhappy thinking. For some reason, making some chaos seems to alleviate the worst feelings for a while, like creating a diversion. My Dad was always doing this, and I used to do it a lot. I've made a few 'U' turns in my time, I can tell you! It does give us some relief, but I found that the symptoms do come back again. I think that it's a kind of avoidance strategy.

Third thought - OK - I am going to say this - Emotional conflict can drive some very deep anxiety. If we have unresolved feelings this can screw us up badly.

I recently had a test of my own marriage and I felt like I was on another planet. Then I came through it with a definite decision and I'm back on 'lake placid' again. If there is some way that you can make a deep decision about your marriage, I believe that you will feel so much better. Resolution is mighty good medicine.

Last thought - I think that I would find an experienced therapist, prepare for at least two years work, and give them the lot. I would go right to the bottom of the well and sort through the crap. That is maybe my strongest thought.

For a young person (you) with a pretty good understanding of the illness and good self awareness I would say that there is a good chance of a cure.

That's how I see things anyway, but as always, it's only my opinion and I'm no expert!

Good luck Jen!

M.

PS - Many years ago, I used to suffer episodes of anxiety that would make me cut short my holidays, no matter who was with me, I just had to do it! In recent years I have the same episodes of anxiety and all it means is going to my room for a while. Then I can get on with the holiday again.

It's the same anxiety, but the outcome is different. It certainly takes a lot of work, my God it's hard, but I want those small victories.